I COUNT MYSELF AS A VERY LUCKY PERSON

The week has started well for me. Despite a massive spike on the Metal Monster today (fully expected) I have remained calm, in control and positive about the future. This is actually my true nature and I'm just letting it be.

Food is clean and healthy again with my usual few modest treats to keep me sane and not feeling totally deprived. I'm pushing it HARD in my weight training and am loving it but in week 2 DOMS is not my companion any more (until I do chest maybe). This is quite normal for me and I know that unless I really change things around and train til I'm knocking on death's door, I just dont get DOMS.

So life goes on. On a daily basis I deal with significant work issues trying to balance a number of them as best I can. As a working mum I strive to keep on top of my son's schooling and spend time with him reading, doing music practice and just talking about his day. I have a number of non-fitness related issues brewing. If and when they eventuate they will put more pressure on my time and will change my lifestyle significantly. They are both exciting and mildly stressful (dealing with change).

Australia wide we are dealing with horrific bushfires, devastating floods and the economic downturn which is affecting all of us in some way or other. I count myself as a very lucky person. I'm blessed with a beautiful healthy child, a lovely husband who I can trust implicitly, fantastic parents and in-laws, a good secure job, a lovely home and car and a pretty good lifestyle. When you consider all that, it really puts last weekend into perspective.

:-) Magda

MOVING FORWARD

I havent thanked everybody individually for leaving such thoughtful comments and good advice on my last post. But I am grateful that so many people take the time to read and comment when I most need it.

I was in a pretty dark and negative place last night and not at my most rational, I admit. But I have decided that I wont dwell on it. As Shelley has said "dont give power to the past" and this is so important as it'll hold me back from moving forward. OK so my stupid Binge Monster found my weak spot and went in for the kill. Next time I'll be better prepared and I'll listen to my body and trust my instincts. I've made a lot of progress in this area and I will continue to do so. (Note the positive self talk)

Thanks Coach for putting things into perspective for me.

I did my 3-weekly stint teaching at the gym today and am sorry to say that my second class was dismal and therein I need to be better prepared both with routines/choreography and my mental state. My heart just wasnt in it and that translated to a poor class. I'm back there in 4 weeks time and I will be in as good a physical condition as I can be and well prepared with my choreography. (More positive self talk).

So tomorrow is a fresh start and I'll be up early to train legs as I missed that session over the weekend. Food wise I'm just going to eat the normally healthy and yummy foods which I love and let nature take its course. Of course I've thought of all sorts of plans to help me lose the bloated fat feeling quickly but I know deep down that punishing myself with a restricted diet now is not the answer. I need to nurture my body with good clean food, lots of water and some serious training and it'll come good again - for sure.

Thanks guys for your ongoing support and understanding. Onwards and upwards.

:-) Magda

THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

I have avoided Blogger. I have avoided checking in with Coach. I have been battling a myriad of negative thoughts and feelings. The Binge Monster won again.



I've gone from being confident, in control and proud of my achievements to feeling like a fraud and a failure. I hate being in this place, feeling like I'm back at square one, like everything I worked so hard to build has just fallen down around me and now there's the daunting task of rebuilding it. Sorry to sound so melodramatic but its hit me hard and I almost didn't blog again tonight.



So why am I here? Because I believe in honesty and I dont want to paint a false picture. Yes I did achieve some significant things recently but that success has not continued and I find myself battling, once again, to regain control and feel good about myself.



In my mind I've been analysing why I chose this behaviour after I've worked so hard to eliminate it. I wont bore you with the details though. Right now I'm trying to convince myself that tomorrow is another day (which it obviously is!!) and it'll be a better day. But I'm not sure that I have the spark to make it so.



Magda


PS In light of all that has happened in Victoria this last week I'm ashamed to put this up as its comparitively so trivial. But keeping it secret and creating a false impression is not what I want, so I've blogged it.

ITS TIME TO GO ..... SIZE 12 SKIRT

Saying goodbye to my Audi. I loved that car but sadly it was time for it to go.

My new Golf. Black, sleek and sexy .... a bit like .....????

Yesterday I went to put on a skirt for work. I bought the skirt for my birthday (July) last year and its a size 12 and I was around 73kgs. Just recenty I could feel it getting a little looser. Well yesterday I could hold the waistband out to a point where I could then look down at my feet. Its time to go .... size 12 skirt. Its now on my recycle pile to be donated to charity and I put on a skirt that I havent worn for a LONG time. Gotta love this sort of progress.

Having trained most muscle groups already this week, this morning I set out to do some cardio. My aim was to walk one song and then jog for two and maintain this for an hour. The warm-up walk was ok but when I started jogging HY KARUMBA was I sore!! I knew my legs would be but my pecs were screaming on every step as well. For a moment I almost told myself it would be ok to just walk it all today and then I had a strong word to myself and reminded myself of my goals and of the fact that I'm tough and can run through the DOMS. Geez I almost succumbed to being a sooky-la-la. The shame of it!!

Well Coach has instructed that my freebie meal is to be saved for a special occassion so that is my aim and I'll endeavour to treat myself in some other way. Perhaps a decent sleep would do the trick if I could just manage one somehow.

Cheers all

Magda

LIFE WITH DOMS

I dont often suffer from DOMS but thanks to a big change around in my training, I'm in pain all over. Following Sunday's leg session where I could feel every muscle firing, the pain set in the next day and I'm walking gingerly. Glutes, hammies and everything in between is sore.

So I followed this up with a chest and tris session on Monday, knowing that my pecs would be sore as they are an area that always suffers from DOMS. I havent been disappointed as the pain is definitely there.

This morning I roadtested my new back/shoulders program and threw caution to the wind on some of the exercises. HOLY CR*P I was working at a 9.5 / 10 and 6 hours after the session I could feel the DOMS starting in my back (an area where I never get it!!).

So add that all up and I'm one sore chicky babe right now. However with this soreness has come a heightened love of what I'm doing and once a few small gliches are sorted out, I'll find my groove and then I'll really cane it session after session.

Food continues to be good although I'm feeling that a freebie/cheat meal would be a nice treat. I think I'm just hanging out for a night off where someone else makes the food, serves it up and clears away my dishes and where I choose something I really want rather than what I think is the best choice. Not sure when I'll have the chance to indulge.

In other breaking (non fitness / figure) news yesterday I said goodbye to my much loved Audi A3 and am now the owner of a beautiful new Golf - black, automatic, a dream to drive. Will post pics later.

Good night all

Magda

GOING A MILLION MILES AN HOUR

Today felt like we were on fast forward - although we did enjoy a leisurely breakfast at The Store (yes again!!) with a good friend. Having a little sleep in (8.15) also threw my plans out of whack but nothing that couldnt be accommodated to still get the most out of my day.

Here's a snapshot of my day:

Get up, breakfast for BS, weigh, hot lemon drink, strip bed, put on a load of washing, blanch home grown tomatoes to remove skins, shower, dress and groom, out for breakfast, arrive home, hang washing, make lunches for next week/day, make lasagne, make spinach/pumpkin frittata, continue washing, get lunch for BS, find 100 other things to do in the kitchen, play a board game with BS, train legs, follow up with 30 minute jog on very wobbly legs, snack, shower, make stir fried veges for the week for me, organise dinners, eat, clean up the disgusting mess in my kitchen, make bed, sort washing, update Calking and blog. The day is not over as there are a couple more things I must do - one being work :-(

The Metal Monster is my best friend right now. Yesterday I was down .7 since last Sunday's weigh and I thought that was good. Just out of curiosity I weighed again today and YIPPEE another .5kgs lost. I think yesterday's mega cardio session gave it a decent nudge down so I've already made it into the 66s which Liz had set as my goal for February. Gotta be happy with that!!

So on that happy note I must go and tackle that work - unless I can find something else to do so I can avoid it a little longer LOL.

Cheers folks

Magda

A LITTLE MORE ON THE BINGE MONSTER AND HOW TO BURN 540 CALORIES IN ONE CARDIO SESSION

Thanks to everyone who left a message of congratulations for me. Its nice to share one's achievments with people who understand the significance of them. I'm sure if I told one of my non-fitness girl friends about it, they'd give me a really wierd look and think I had lost the plot.

I just wanted to add to yesterday's post that I think a couple of other things contributed to my success.

1. My diet hasnt been too restricted and I've been enjoying lots of foods that I really love like: low fat creamed cottage cheese eaten with a good sprinkle of cinnamon and a little Splenda, my favourite pancakes (recipe posted last Monday), unlimited veges, lean protein of my choice (not just chicken breasts/egg whites etc), fruit loaf or other wholemeal/grainy breads, and lots more. The weights been coming off so Coach says keep doing what you're doing - including having 2 glasses of wine / week and a small handful of raw peanuts.

2. At the end of the day I believe that the reason I succeeded was because I made up my mind that I'd do it. No more stuffing around. No excuses. No thoughts of "its just too hard". It was a case of "just do it". Cliched I know but thats what it boils down to. Once I accepted that there WOULD be times when I felt like cr*p and that it was ok to feel that way, it became a little easier. Previously I'd run for food as soon as those feelings surfaced and I'd be trying to stuff them down. It really wasnt the answer and dare I say "I've seen the light".

OK enough of the corny cliches and onwards.

PART TWO: HOW TO BURN 540 CALORIES IN ONE CARDIO SESSION

1. Set out at 8.20am when the temperature is already in the high 30s.

2. Walk for 1 song and then jog for 1 song and repeat, over and over again.

3. Monitor heart rate and watch it soar and stay high even in the walk intervals.

4. Keep going for an hour.

At the half hour mark I was seriously considering walking the rest or cutting the session down to 40 minutes (Liz gave me the target of 40-60 mins so I could have taken the shorter option). So I started the self-talk to get me to the end of the song and then enjoy the "recovery".

Then it was like "just jog one more song". And I did. Aaah recovery.

"You feel ok. Do one more". So I did and yippee ... recovery.

Soon it was a case of "There's only 10 minutes to go. You ran 12kms last year in the City 2 Bay. You've run in weather this hot before. Keep going. You can do it." So I did and the hour was done and dusted. HRM checked and yep 540 calories burned thank you very much. It was worth every step.

Cheers all

Magda

PS Can you tell, I LOVE CARDIO!!!!

SLAYING THE BINGE MONSTER AND PUTTING THE 3-WEEK CURSE TO BED

I've been teasing with the promise of an announcement and at the risk of sounding like a total twit I'm gonna make it and throw caution to the wind.

I've posted many times previously about my 3-week curse where I have for a very long time not been able to go for more than (if I even make it to) 3 weeks without having an eating binge. My triggers are many and varied and my resolve is usually weak where I actually talk myself into them with silly justifications like "well I deserve it for ????? reason" or "it wont matter because I know I can diet it off on ...whenever" or whatever arguement suits the occassion, as long as I have just cause to do it. Silly silly me. I've been my own worst enemy for a long time.

The last few weeks have presented many of my binge triggers -

pressure at work (oh I need something nice to eat to make me feel better)

stressing about work (hmmm some yummy food will take my mind of it)

frustration at work (well a good dose of fat and sugar will make it go away)

the all or nothing mentality (oh well I've eaten off plan so I might as well stuff in as much off-plan food as I possibly can and then diet again tomorrow)

the over-feed that comes from being over-hungry (oops when I started eating, I just couldnt stop)

I'm sure many of you recognise these foes and have faced them yourselves.

Well it has now been OVER THREE WEEKS WITHOUT A BINGE FOR ME. (Shouting from the rooftops!!). I've been tempted many times as I've listed above but I've faced it head on and dealt with it.

So what did I do?

1. I recognised the danger times and evaluated them for what they were. Like when the urge came on at work (as it often does) I took a minute to work out what was bothering me.

2. Then its a case of self-talk. Do I REALLY want to stuff down heaps of crappy food or do I want to address the real problem? (Well I rightly chose the latter)

3. Then its time for action. Even if its one small thing that starts to fix the problem, I do it so I feel like I'm back in control and I dont need the food.

4. Finally, I wasnt always able to make the problem go away completely and there were times when I had to sit with my yucky feelings but I toughed it out and eventually the clouds cleared and the silver linings showed through.

5. And when they did, I felt good that I wasnt then dealing with the even worse feelings that binging leaves you with - like that sense of failure, loss of control and self doubt.

Have I slayed my Binge Monster for good? Maybe not, but right now I'm well ahead in the fight and I'm not about to give up that lead.

Is my 3-week curse broken? Right now it is and that gives me even more confidence to keep that Binge Monster down. If I did it you can do it too. Give it a try the next time the Binge Monster tries to get the better of you.

Cheers all

Magda

STARVING AFTER LUNCH

Hi all,

this morning I knocked off my training for the week and tomorrow is my scheduled day off where I get to sleep in til 6am or maybe even a little longer :-)

I had lunch out with a friend today and we went for Thai which is always a favourite. I ordered from the "Lunch Specials" menu as it was a bit cheaper and they still had great sounding food. So I chose basil chicken with veges and chilli which sounded divine. And it did taste good - what little there was of it. You see I got an entree sized plate which was 2/3s full of white rice and the rest was the basil chicken etc. Man it was a tiny serve if you didnt eat the rice. An hour later my tummy started rumbling :-( Luckily my afternoon was very busy and I didnt have time to pine for more food (I didnt even have any afternoon tea food with me) so I survived til dinner time where I had a superb lamb dish of shashlicks with a tossed salad and a lovely yogurt dipping sauce. I left the pitas and apart from the salad having an oily dressing, the meal was pretty lean and clean.

And on that note I must say good night and just leave you with one more thing: Stay tuned for an announcement the next time I blog (hopefully tomorrow night).

Cheers all

Magda

GETTING OVER START-OF-THE-WEEKITIS

For some weird reason, by this afternnon I felt good again. No change to diet, a little more sleep last night and putting a few work runs on the board has made the world of difference. I think I just had a bad case of Start-of-the-weekitis (if thats not a real word, then it should be. Mondayitis was not my problem). Mind you, thats after dealing with a pressure situation this morning that had me thinking "is it too early to go to to the pub for a drink?" at 9.30am LOL. And yes we have a pub 3 doors down from work that is open 24/7. I was in a meeting this afternoon where one of our service providers made the comment that "Pressure is good. It builds diamonds". So I must be sparkling very brightly now :-) and be very expensive too.

Training has been good and after some discussion with Liz we are cranking things up even more as of next week. Woohoo!! Cant wait - although I expect I'll be very sore after nailing one of her real killer sessions. Diet is tracking well with lots of good clean food and is not too restricted or limited - well hardly at all in fact. Tomorrow I have the pleasure of having lunch out with a friend and then dinner out with WH before we go to a parent info night at BS's school. So that'll test me out yet again (but I think I'll be ok).

Cheers all

Magda

FEELING TIRED FLAT AND CRANKY

Firstly thanks to the bloggers who left comments on my January Summary post. I hopped onto Blogger to post My Favourite Pancake recipe last night and then raced off to watch Desperate Housewives. I didnt read other blogs or check my previous post for comments, so thank you Shelley, Pip, Rene and Miss Tank - I havent forgotten you lovely ladies.

I've had 2 days of feeling very tired, flat and cranky. I hate being like this but I guess life isnt all wine and roses (and lately has been VERY light on the wine for me anyway LOL). I think its come from a combination of a bit of "work worry" and not enough sleep. I'm also logging my food on CalKing to see if anything crops up there as to why I might be feeling so blaah. Enough calories etc???? I know its not the heat because I'm still loving it and in fact by lunchtime my office is so cold that I'm getting about with a cardy draped over my shoulders.

I spent the last couple of days being very aware of a morning tea that we were having at work today. I knew there would be cake (I made chocolate crackles for it) and some fruit and I didnt want it to turn into a "oh I've had a piece of cake, so I might as well have 10" episode (you may well laugh but this is a real risk for me). I got the fruit ready and asked others to cut up their cakes. Then I heated up my kangaroo chilli and went to eat it at my desk before the MT started. I was planning on having a bit of fruit to be sociable and not touching the cake. Funnily enough, as I was finishing my chilli the Exec Director came with an urgent job that I had to do immediately and I completely missed the morning tea anyway. There were lots of left-overs but I stayed right away from them.

So thats another run on the board for me and another Gold Coin Day :-)

Cheers all

Magda

MY FAVOURITE PANCAKES

1. Take 3-4 egg whites and whisk with a fork for about 2-3 minutes. Add 80g low fat creamed cottage cheese and whisk until combined. This is what it looks like all mixed together.

2. Add a good sprinkle of cinnamon and 1/2 cup raw oats and 2T bran or psyllium husks (if you need the extra help, if you know what I mean). Mix well and add about 1T water as this makes the pancakes a little bit lighter. Here's how it looks at the end of this stage.

3. I then heat a large heavy frying pan and give it light spray with cooking oil and then pour the mixture in and shape it into a circle thats about 1/2 - 1 cm in height. (This makes it easier to flip over). Cook until quite brown underneath (about 3-4 minutes) and then flip. When the other side is brown remove from the pan onto your serving plate.

4. Here's the finished product served with a small banana sliced onto it and 1/2T sugar free maple syrup drizzled over and a very light sprinkle of LSA on the top. Its a funny shape because I made a double portion and cut it in half.

I must add that this is not a light and fluffy style pancake. Its quite solid and filling and not sweet - until you add the banana and maple syrup. If I've had no banana I've made it with 1/2 an apple grated into the "batter" / serve and then just put the maple syrup and LSA on it. Its still very yum just needs a lit longer to cook through.

The nutritional analysis for mine was (with 70g banana on it)

Calories: 249

Fat: 4.2g

Protein: 16.5g

Carbs: 38.8g

Fibre: 6.2g

Give it a go and let me know what you think of it..

Cheers

Magda

PS I modified this recipe from one that Liz gave me so credit goes to her :-)

JANUARY SUMMARY

I thought this would be a good time to look back over January and see how I went. Its also a good time to blog the high and low points to give a better indication of my progress rather than just making it number focussed.

WEIGHT:

On 2 Jan I weighed in at 70.8kgs (after a little holiday with some nice indulgences during that time). This morning I was 68kgs (after a nice .4 drop from yesterday) so my overall loss was 2.8kgs. Considering I had a mini holiday in the middle of January and didnt eat on track for a few days, I'm happy with this overall result.

TRAINING:

After my 1:1 with Liz and a big tick on my squat and deadlift techniques, my weight training was ramped up a little. I have been focussing on pushing hard in each session as I train alone and basically its up to me to get the most out of me LOL. Cardio has stayed about the same although we were kid-free for a week so we couldnt resist throwing in some extra cardio after work on most days.

HEADSPACE:

This has been good for most of the time. There was a day (just before I went to Queensland) when the Metal Monster had totally frustrated me (weighing too often and not seeing movement in the right direction) and I resorted to a bit of a binging out of frustration, a bit of anger and a sense of "I deserve this" but in the overall scheme it was a mild binge and didnt snowball out of all control or leave me feeling emotionally distraught. This, my good friends, really is progress for me.

More recently I've had some episodes where I have been a bit tempted to binge but I've stopped and thought about it and chosen not to. The sensible-voice-of-reason-Magda seems to have taken an assertive stand and I like it. She has given up the fight too many times before so this change is welcome.

HIGH POINTS:

Having my 1:1 with Liz was excellent. I learnt so much in that short time and it was nice to interact face to face. I had a range of questions and Liz answered them all, leaving me feeling relaxed and looking forward confidently.

Taking a week off to spend with my BS was fantastic. I still trained and ate well but we packed in the activities and the time just flew by. If only my pay would magically land in our bank account each fortnight, I'd happily be a lady-of-leisure ... except I'd be a lady-of-training / socialising / being involved with my son's school etc. Aaah life would be just perfect :-)

We bought a new car (but havent got it yet). That will be a post all on its own when it finally arrives.

I enjoyed a weekend of being a bacheloress and indulging my "fitness slob" side. It also allowed me to socialise far more than I normally do and go to the gym as a participant. What a bonus that was for me.

My cardio fitness has improved noticeably and I'm now incorporating more running into my sessions. My core strength is improving too (geez it was woeful!!) and I no longer dread the Bosu but look forward to each challenging workout.

LOW POINTS:

Only one really. The project I worked so hard on before Christmas didnt get the necessary approvals in the next critical stage and even now a cloud of uncertainty hangs over it which made me very angry. But its a work issue and on the list of things that are important to me its not a top 3 item so I wont stress about it any more. I'll do what I have to do but I refuse to give any more of my life and soul to it (did that before and got very sick as a result).

How has the year started for you?

Cheers

Magda

SURVIVING THE HEAT

Yeah yeah yeah so its hot. It IS summer after all. And when its winter, how long is it cold? I mean really cold. Longer than this heat wave. So lets suck it up and stop whinging.

I'm a summer lover and I admit I LOVE IT HOT!! I love to train early mornings when its going to be a scorcher of a day. My body works better and especially my muscles work better in the heat. I love sweating a few minutes into my workout and feeling quite drenched at the end of it. I love guzzling lots of water which is so much harder to do in cold weather. And salads become a favourite meal again whereas in winter they are just totally unappealing.

This morning WH set out to do his run around 7.15am and I got stuck into my Postural Program. When he was back I went to do my fast walk setting out just before 8am and it was finished before 9. Yep it was hot but it was a little cloudy so it didnt feel so scorching. Then home to finish the PP and devour a yummy breakfast of pancake made from:

1/4c oats
1T unprocessed bran
cinnamon
1.5 egg whites from extra large eggs (I made a double portion with 3 egg whites)
40g low fat creamed cottage cheese

Serve it with 1/2 large banana, sugar free maple syrup and a lite sprinkle of LSA. Give it a go and tell me if you love it as much as I do.

Well the Metal Monster managed to put me in a brief bad mood this morning. My loss for the week was .1 kg (yes a measly 100g). Stoopid, stoopid machine!! Even the tape measure wasnt on my side with only a bit off the thighs (better than nothing, I guess). The wierd thing is that I felt smaller and like I HAD lost weight. I'll be honest and say I EXPECTED MORE so when I didnt get it, I was suitably upset and angry. It took a lot of self talk to let it go and not allow it to ruin my day.

Food has been good and on track (like it had been for most of the week) and tomorrow we are splurging out for a yummy breakfast at The Store in Melbourne Street again. They have a new menu and this one looks better than the last so I'm really looking forward to the treat. I wont go silly but I love the choices when eating out and the fact that somebody makes it for me and then cleans it all up too :-). There is training to be done as well but after that the rest of the day will be spent staying cool.

What do you have planned for your Sunday?

Cheers

Magda

I BELIEVE I CAN .....

So I have asked myself what I believe.

Do I believe that I can train hard enough to transform my body once again, or do I find an excuse not to?

Based on fact and previous experience I can train hard enough to transform my body once again. After all, muscles have memory and once the conditions are right they will grow again. I believe they will.


Do I believe that my body will respond to the training or do I write it off as "too old" or "the product of too much yoyo dieting"?

I believe my body will respond to the training as long as I'm patient and give it time. The hardest thing to deal with here is waiting for loose skin to shrink. Yep tight legs will be my biggest challenge but I'll try not to expect too much too soon. After all, Rome wasnt built in a day and it takes time to create a masterpiece LOL.


Do I believe that I can learn to understand my emotional eating, what triggers it and why, or do I believe that "I've always done it so I dont know any different"?

Since the start of the year I've been very aware of my moods, feelings and eating urges. In fact, I've been paying more attention to it all since November and am understanding the EE more each day. So what are my key triggers? Metal Monster anxiety (a topic that deserves its own post), pressure and stress, frustration, boredom with my food, a sense of feeling like a victim therefore "I deserve it" and the old "well I've had something I shouldnt have so I might as well have everything I shouldnt have" and lastly "I can always diet tomorrow". How many of these can you relate to? Understanding it is the first step to being able to fix it so I believe I'm on my way.


Do I believe that I can learn strategies and change my thought processes so that I can avoid emotional eating, or do I believe "its just too hard"?

Aaaah thought processes. Dont you love the way children are so impressionable. Tell them something often enough and they'll believe it. Well as adults we are the product of what we've been told or what we've told ourselves over the course of our lives. Dare I say, the older we are, the more ingrained those thoughts and beliefs are. So changing them is quite a challenge and NOT esay to do. But I've taken on this challenge and I'm chipping away at it bit by bit. Yep I've had quite a few situations recently where I could easily have slipped into emotional/binge eating but I've stopped to think about it and I've chosen to act differently. It hasnt always been easy and I havent always succeeded but I'm doing heaps better at it than I was over 3 months ago. I believe I will make it and I look forward to the day when I can blog that "I've got it and I feel at peace" (cheers Sam!!)


And finally do I believe that I have it in me put all the pieces of the puzzle together and work out how to live lean and love life, or do I sit in my happy comfort zone feeling unhappy?

Have you ever sat in your happy comfort zone feeling unhappy? Weighing up if the pain is worse than the effort required to change it. Wondering if the positives in your life outweigh the unhappiness you feel inside and if you dare to step out of the zone and dare to want more or better.

My take on this is that I DO want more. I want to achieve on a number of levels and the only way to do this is to kiss that comfort zone good-bye. In order to move closer to living lean and loving life I must gather up all the pieces of the puzzle that I have accumulated over the years and slowly piece them together. Draw on my experiences, knowledge and skills I've learnt and make it happen. Its nice to have accountability, support and extra guidance along the way but ultimately its up to me.

I believe I can do it.

Good night all

Magda

YOU ARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE

As a child I lacked self confidence about my ability on many levels. I was shy and reserved and I shied away from physical challenges. I believed that I wasnt good at sport and so .... I wasnt good at sport. It was the beginning of my struggles with my weight throughout my life.

As a teenager I continued to be bad at sport because I believed I always would be. I did manage to learn to water ski - but only after my father got in the boat and threatened me with thunderous yelling "to hold onto that rope no matter what" that I held on and yep, I was skiing. My only other form of activity was folk dancing but when you follow that up with a trip out for pizza (as hungry teenagers do) its unlikely to help you to keep your weight down. I believed that I would struggle with my weight and so ..... I struggled with my weight. In my year 7 photo I'm the big girl in the back row wearing a size 14 skirt and blouse, amply filling a C-D cup bra.

Throughout my 20s and 30s I had several periods where I believed that I could lose weight and so .... I lost weight. Oh the joy of being smaller and being able to buy trendy, sexy clothes. The joy of being the same size (or smaller) than my friends and of being attractive to the boys. But each joy was short-lived because I didnt believe that I could maintain my new found slim body. So true to my beliefs every weight loss was followed by a compensating weight gain because I believed thats what would happen. Life was really turning into a roller coaster ride and I wanted to get off.

Hail my 40s and the extra strength and wisdom that come with maturity. I made a decision that I would blow off all my previous doubts, insecurities and fears and I would take on my biggest physical and mental challenge. I believed that I had it in me to transform my overweight, cellulite ridden body to that of a Figure Competitor and so .... I did.

But did I believe that I was ready to live lean and love life? Well if you've followed my blog over the last year you'll know the answer to that. In November 2007 I weighed in at 76+kgs when I embarked on my current journey. (My comp weight had been 55kgs). Speaks for itself doesnt it.

So here I am in 2009 and I have to ask myself what I believe.

Do I believe that I can train hard enough to transform my body once again, or do I find an excuse not to?

Do I believe that my body will respond to the training or do I write it off as "too old" or "the product of too much yoyo dieting"?

Do I believe that I can learn to understand my emotional eating, what triggers it and why, or do I believe that "I've always done it so I dont know any different"?

Do I believe that I can learn strategies and change my thought processes so that I can avoid emotional eating, or do I believe "its just too hard"?

And finally do I believe that I have it in me put all the pieces of the puzzle together and work out how to live lean and love life, or do I sit in my happy comfort zone feeling unhappy?

To be continued .....

Magda

KEEPING THE PLOT AND THEN LOSING IT

Funny title hey??

Let me elaborate. This time last year, my boys were away again and I had a few days of family-freedom. So how did I put it to use then? I ate. And ate. And ate. Why? Because I was having a meal out, chose some less-than-healthy things and then just went OUT OF CONTROL eating any and every bit of junk I could lay my hands/lips on. OMG it was such an awful time and I remember it feeling like the start of my demise. After that weekend it all went downhill for me with just a few short reprieve's along the way.

So this thought was in the back of my mind all weekend. And I was tested!! I ate out Saturday lunch-time, Sunday lunch-time, Sunday dinner and Monday lunch-time including a big piece of cake at my friend's house after lunch. And I was ok with it all and had no urges to stuff myself silly as a result of eating "off-plan". I was really happy with myself when the weekend wound up, my boys came home and I had "kept the plot" so to speak.

So what about this "losing it"??

I got news today that the project I had worked so hard on leading up to Christmas had gone to the Board today for approval and it was knocked back. This means delays for us which will have a significant impact down the track. Not to mention that I had slaved over it (I worked some ridiculous hours to get it done) to meet the deadline and now its missed it and there is more work to be done. Hence.... I LOST IT!!!!! On a scale of 1 - 10 my anger was soaring up to the 10. A glass of wine after work didnt have the desired stress-relief effect so it ended up down the drain (thats one good decision made at such a vulnerable time). I couldnt eat all my dinner though.

Hoping for calmer seas tomorrow.

Magda

DOOMED TO LOSE SLEEP

Yesterday I woke at the ridiculously early hour of 4.40am and ended up getting up early as I get bored and restless lounging in bed if I'm struggling to sleep.

Well today it was even worse. I was woken at 4am by a mozzie and I'd already been bitten. GRRRRR. Man was I pissed off but I decided to put the time to good use and cooked up a big batch of chilli for my WH . 2 breakfasts later I taught a step and combo class which will now be a regular 3 weekly occurrence for me. There will be many happy people at the gym when I announce it in 3 weeks time.

Lunch was at mum and dad's today and we had roast duck which was something different and nice. After lunch I chatted with my parents and we talked about some of the very unhealthy foods we ate when we were all younger and the world didnt know better. Some were quite cringe-worthy when you consider them in our go low fat/low GI/low salt/low-or-no everything world. We had a good laugh though.

I then visited my local Westfield to shop for a few odds and ends including some new lipsticks. It was so much easier today without a 6 year old getting bored to tears and acting up accordingly. And instead of it taking 15-20 minutes to find colours I liked, it took about 5 and there was 15% off as well. I was a winner on all fronts. I couldnt let the afternoon pass without a leisurely skim cappuccino and a few pages of my new book.

When I got home I whipped up a big batch of chilli for myself - why different for WH and me, you ask - well WH doesnt like kangaroo (I do!!) and he has chorizo sausage in his. When I suggested that his chilli would be healthier without the chorizo I was told that "that was the best bit" so it has stayed.

I had dinner at S+BIL's tonight. As I've mentioned my BIL is Scottish and being Burns Night tonight we had haggis, black pudding, mashed potatoes, mashed swedes and - just for me - some green veg. ( I pleaded for the greens after seeing how much butter and double cream went into the mashed potato - eegads my ILs are all really big and its not surprising why!!).

So despite having a bit of anxiety earlier in the week about these 2 meals with family I was really happy with how I handled them:

1. I relaxed and enjoyed them.
2. I didnt fret about high calories or fat grams or whether they were too high in carbs (probably an affirmative on all 3)
3. I made sensible choices about how much I ate of stuff (healthy and not so healthy) without appearing to be obsessive about it
4. I didnt overeat because it all tasted so good and I could diet again tomorrow

By golly is that progress for me, or what??!!

:-) Magda

A BOOT-FULL OF FOOD

You're looking at my A3's boot full of food. 6 green bags (3 from the supermarket, 3 from the fruit and veg market), a shredder (not for human consumption) with a carton of 18 x 375ml Diet Coke cans behind it (yeah yeah I know its not really good for me but everyone is allowed some daily vices (or treats) and I like to have one at work around 4pm when tiredness catches up with me BIG TIME).

I bought: 3 dozen eggs, bananas, apples, lemons, ruby grapefruit (for WH), garlic, spanish onion, brown onion, spring onions, sweet potato (for WH), white potatoes, carrots, pumpkin, capsicums, continental cucumber, green beans, asparagus, brocolli, huge bunch silverbeet, snow peas, avocado, 1/2 cabbage, brussel sprouts, mushrooms, coriander, zucchini, salted cashews (for guests) and a big bag of pepitas. We have home grown tomatoes and peaches from mum and dad's tree and I buy fresh spinach leaves weekly at the supermarket. This should last us about 2-3 weeks with a small weekly top up. My fridge is groaning with it all and I have no excuse now for struggling to put a good meal together.

So how did I pass my bacheloress day today?

Well sadly I woke up WAY too early and couldnt get back to sleep so was up before dawn. Ate an early breakfast and had the Saturday paper all to myself BONUS!! I did the grocery shopping early and called in to my favourite local cafe (well my ONLY local cafe really - but a good one nevertheless) for a skim cappuccino. Hmm what about some fruit toast I was thinking as I was hungry again and still had cardio to do later in the morning. No just eat your Slim Secrets bar and skip the toast was the counter-perspective and it appealed so I went with it.

Dash home, unload shopping, cram cold stuff into the fridge and race off to the gym to participate in the cycle class. Gym members (who all know me from my many years of teaching there) are all surprised to see me and its nice to catch up with some again. Work reasonably hard in cycle class (346 cals torched in 43 minutes) and have a nice long chat to the Instructor afterwards. Gee I love talking about myself and my competing experiences and he seemed to like listening so there was no stopping me. Race home for food and shower (no fitness slob today!!) and head out to drop a duck off to mum and dad's (yes its tomorrow's lunch) and meet Miss Kerry and Miss Cheryl for lunch at The Store in Melbourne Street. My definition of bliss: 3 hours of talking about training, dieting, competing and anything related. Throw a yummy Florentine omelet in for lunch and I'm one happy camper.

Then its out to visit a friend for a quick catch up (I turn down an invite to dinner as the extra fat in my lunch has me feeling quite full). I arrive home after 6pm and must water the garden as its "our day" and it needs a good watering (strict instructions from my WH). Reinforce to myself how much I HATE gardening and am thankful that its WH's job normally. Next job is to put all the groceries away and then think about something very low in fat for dinner. Chicken breast to the rescue (I'll leave the atlantic salmon for another night) and talk to BS and WH on Skype.

Finally get to blog and hopefully manage an early night. But need to wind right down first. Phew I feel buggered just reading all that.

BTW: Metal Monster has finally dropped into the next number range down and I was on a bit of a high about that too. Funny though that my measurements arent going down but some clothes are getting looser and I feel smaller.

Cheers

Magda

THE KID FREE WEEK CULMINATES IN A BACHELORESS WEEKEND

If you've followed my blog this week you'll know that we (WH & I) have been kid-free while BS has been in Qld with his grandparents.

Last night WH and I went out for dinner after work. Check out what we had, its truly superb and very healthy http://www.strath.com.au/dining/stonegrill-dining It was nice to be out to dinner knowing that any damage to the healthy eating plan was minimal (I did have a few chips but not many).

This morning I took WH to the airport so he can pick up BS and bring him home ready to go back to school next week. They return on Monday night so I'm a bacheloress til then. WOOHOO!! I have a really nice mix of social activities, me-time and a few chores planned.

It all started with me going for a walk/run after work. I NEVER train straight after work but with no family commitments I couldnt let the opportunity slip by (even though I had a rest day scheduled). Plus I was feeling a bit hungry so I thought it'd be a great opportunity to blast some fat cells (well I hope so anyway). It was a short 30 minute session but I got a good HR reading so I was very happy. Then in true fitness-slob style I ate my dinner while I read blogs and caught up on Lindy Olsen's forum. How tragic is that LOL??!!

I'm hoping to reinstate my blogroll this weekend. I hate change thats forced on me when my perfect little world is upset.

Cheers all and I hope you have a great long weekend. I know I'll be back to post about my activities, achievements and aspirations.

:-) Magda