Saturday, February 14, 2009


I have avoided Blogger. I have avoided checking in with Coach. I have been battling a myriad of negative thoughts and feelings. The Binge Monster won again.

I've gone from being confident, in control and proud of my achievements to feeling like a fraud and a failure. I hate being in this place, feeling like I'm back at square one, like everything I worked so hard to build has just fallen down around me and now there's the daunting task of rebuilding it. Sorry to sound so melodramatic but its hit me hard and I almost didn't blog again tonight.

So why am I here? Because I believe in honesty and I dont want to paint a false picture. Yes I did achieve some significant things recently but that success has not continued and I find myself battling, once again, to regain control and feel good about myself.

In my mind I've been analysing why I chose this behaviour after I've worked so hard to eliminate it. I wont bore you with the details though. Right now I'm trying to convince myself that tomorrow is another day (which it obviously is!!) and it'll be a better day. But I'm not sure that I have the spark to make it so.


PS In light of all that has happened in Victoria this last week I'm ashamed to put this up as its comparitively so trivial. But keeping it secret and creating a false impression is not what I want, so I've blogged it.


Pip said...

Magda, - ya know! Precisely the reason why I announced I wouldn't blog for 100 days almost. I like you're honesty but!

Earlier this week, (Tuesday) I stupidly had 3 glasses of wine on my own in a relaxed manner in front of computer on own in evening, (1-2 'generally' is OK but 3 plus glasses can result in me making poor drunken decisions if on own a couple of hours later. I knew I 'shouldn't' go to servo next door for choc and cheese and crackers 2 hours later after the wine, (instead drink water and hit bed) but I found an excuse to go, ate heaps and woke with junkfood hangover and self disappointment, then had irregular busy work shifts. Led again to unfocussed 3 days for me.

The thing is, I know you are not overweight, - maybe not with the habits and physique you quite desire but good for the majority (and I am overweight, but not obese) but getting to that next level and really achieving what we want, (while we know we CAN do it), it's easy to fear we CAN'T and find excuses to put it off as there are many worse off.

I know you can and will! Me too. I am aiming to NOT weigh myself over a 100 day period but keep focussed to my ideals and what feels good in health and fitness enhancement! I think the results will rock when I do it!

Stay strong!

Anonymous said...

Like you say Magda, tomorrow is another day honey, well it's today now! Chin up and remember that you are human, and in control. SO take the reigns with a smile and hold on - this ride is wild!! I know when my binge bitch rears it head, i think how of i will feel the next day, so she goes and hides and i laugh at her.....

Carolyn said...

I am hearing you Magda. I went to Brisbane and Sydney for a total of what, 4 days, and I came back with over 3kg of excess baggage - that I can't just put down.

I know what it's like to not want to face up to it, and I too have avoided talking about these things both on blogger and to Coach. Sometimes I know you just want to hide and hope it all goes away.

We question why we do it. We know it doesn't help. And we know we will feel worse afterwards, but it seems so good at the time, and we just go with it, thinking, I'll sort this mess out later - I know I can.

Hop back on that horse. It won't be long till you undo what damage may have happened. One thing to tell yourself is that you CAN get on top of this kind of thing. It might not happen quickly, but each time you learn from the experience I think.

I'm with you in the struggle!!
Carolyn xx

little rene said...

Firstly: You are NOT a failure and you most certainly are NOT a fraud! You are possibly the most honest blogger out of all of the blogs that I read. I am sure there are many other people out there who regularly give in to the Binge Monster but for their own reasons don't want to blog about it.Just like Pip,Fern and Caroline said, all you can do now is get straight back into it and start feeling great about yourself again.
If I were you I would right down exactly how you feel about yourself right now, post binge, and stick it up on a wall in your house to remind you next time you feel like using food as a crutch that it doesn't work. I have done this and it works for me (a fat picture of yourself next to it helps too!).

Secondly: Everyone seems ashamed to have feelings at the moment due to the dreadful bushfires.I don't think that there is anyone in the world that does not feel compassion for those poor souls but at the end of the day life goes on. We all still have the same worries and desires that we had before this tragedy and I think that as long as you have been as generous as you can be, then you need not be ashamed that you are thinking about other things. If anything during times like this I am reminded that I MUST live life because it can be all too short.

Don't be too hard on yourself Magda. Get out there and go for a run and let those exercise endorphins put a smile on your face once again :)

Kimmy said...

Hang in there Magda. Every single one of us gives in from time to time - we are all human. It has nothing to do with food it is all in our head. We just need that little voice in our head to be positive, as we know it always trys to trick us. Just because you have had a slip up does not mean you have wrecked everything that you achieved so far. It is always going to be part of the journey - the trick is to know that you are going to go off track - enjoy the process of being "bad" but just get up the next morning and continue on your healthy journey. Just remember it will happen again - so don't be hard on yourself. The only reason someone fails is because they try to be perfect and there is not one person out there I know who is "perfect".
Live with Passion and keep smiling.

LizN said...

In the face of disaster life goes on, that is the nature of the beast.

As Carolyn said, get back on the horse and practise positive self talk - even the old Coach gets cornered by her Beast sometimes - the biggest thing you need to realize is that you're in control!

ss2306 said...

Don't dwell on it.
Don't give any power to the past.

Right here, right now is all the matters.