Saturday, May 30, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM


My mum turns 73 tomorrow. The picture above was taken about 5 years ago but I just love it. It shows perfectly how totally selfless and loving my mother is. There is NOTHING she wouldnt do for her grandson. She loves him with all her heart. My mum has always worked hard to make our home a loving and caring place. All her life I've seen her give, give and give some more. She never wants anything in return except our company and to know that we'll be there as she ages.

My mum has never uttered a critical word about me. She alone has been my biggest and number one fan. She has always believed in me, even when I didnt believe in myself. If anyone dared to mention even a slightly bad thing about me, she'd cut them down quick smart. You couldnt ask for a better guardian angel.

So today was "part one of her day". I picked her up mid morning and we headed out for an early lunch together. Then it was off to see a chick flick which had us laughing our heads off. After the movie we went for a coffee and talked and laughed some more. On the way home we checked out "my secret" something that I just loved sharing with her. Of course she could see my passion and enthusiasm and immediately offered to help me and WH achieve what we want so much.

Tomorrow is "part two" when I'm making dinner for our family to further celebrate her day. I've made a tiramisu for dessert (its chilling in the fridge now) and tomorrow it'll be slow cooked lamb shanks at her request. I hope she enjoys it all. I'm sure she will.

So I'm getting in early as tomorrow will be a busy day ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM. I LOVE YOU.

XX M

Friday, May 29, 2009

A TOUGH ADMISSION

Sometimes it takes ages for some things to sink in. It might be denial. It might be that you think you can manage it yourself. It might just be that you don’t realise how much you’ve suffered and struggled and the time you’ve wasted on it all.

At the end of the day all of that is irrelevant once you admit that there are some things in life that you just need help with. No need to feel embarrassed or ashamed of it. No need to feel inferior or inadequate (although this is easier said than done). It takes a big person to admit they have a problem AND then actively do something about it.

I’m at that point in my life.

Don’t get me wrong. In many ways my life is wonderful and I truly have a lot to be thankful for and I am thankful for it all. But unless I can get my mind in order and learn ways to keep it in order and to deal with my trigger situations in a positive way, I’ll forever be on this depressing merry-go-round of battling my Binge Monster and losing too many of the battles.

I’m admitting that I don’t know how to solve this problem. What I do know is how important and powerful the mind is in this regard. But how do I get it working for me instead of me constantly battling with it or just giving in cause its all too hard? I’ve read heaps of books and articles but it hasnt gelled for me. You could say that the penny hasn’t dropped or that I’m still missing pieces of the puzzle.

So I’ve taken a step that I’m hoping is in the right direction. I’m hoping that I get the help I need to learn how to overcome this problem once and for all. On Monday I’m seeing a sports psychologist at The Wakefield Sports Clinic. My mind is open to the possibilities here and let me say “I’m so ready to start believing that some of my longer term goals may just become realities”.

Watch this space folks.

Cheers

Magda

Thursday, May 28, 2009

SHORT AND SWEET

Tonight's post is short and sweet.

Work has been very busy this week and it meant working in the evening on Tuesday and having some later than usual nights. Subsequently I'm really tired by late afternoon which presents all sorts of extra challenges.

I skipped training yesterday morning and managed a little extra sleep. Today, despite being really tired, I got up early and did chest, tris and a little cardio. Worked to (almost) failure on some of the chest work, pushed hard on (fatigued) tris but cardio was a bit pissy (steady state on the ex bike).

The melting pot has changed slightly in that one of the things in it will be decided a little before 9 June (if it goes to plan - its out of our control) and the other is up to me. Not ready to post about it just yet though.

Signing off to get an early night.

Cheers

Magda

Monday, May 25, 2009

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED ......

.... something so bad that you didnt want to let yourself want it that bad because of the disappointment you'd feel if you couldnt have it? The melting pot is bubbling away and it should be done on 9th June. My phone will be in my hand until I get the call with the good news .... or not.

M

Sunday, May 24, 2009

THE MELTING POT

This weekend has been a big melting pot of exciting opportunities and possibilities. I know I'll have trouble sleeping tonight with this stuff on my mind.

On Friday night WH had made a significant discovery relating to the personal stuff thats on the drawing board for us. Its HUGE!! We talked it over, and over and over. We went from "oh we cant do it" to "we're giving it our best shot". I wont reveal anything yet but all will be known after 9th June. The wait will kill me but in the meantime I must breathe, breathe and breathe some more.

On a personal level, I'm exploring an option that is exciting but scary too. My changed attitude has me thinking positively instead of repeatedly convincing myself that I cant possible do it because ......(insert any one of 1000 excuses). I'm seeking an expert opinion on the matter - and it may come back that "no its not feasible" but I'll be ok with that. At least I've looked into it properly and not just written it off beacuse of a lack of belief in myself.

So with two (major) things up in the air like this, winding down and switching off will be very hard to do. And I need my beauty sleep.

I had breakfast out with a couple of friends this morning and purposely chose the high fat option to cure an extremely bad bout of being clogged up. The ultra low carb approach is NOT a long term option if things dont move for a week - yep you read that right :-( As great as it was for dropping a decent bit of fat over a relatively short time, the morning oats / psyllium husks are back on the daily menu. Fingers crossed that the fat continues to melt off.

Actually how "wrong" is that statement??!! Fat melting off is not a product of good luck coming from crossing your fingers (duuuuh I'll just cross my fingers for the next 5 weeks and I'll be 5 kilos lighter at the end of it).

Consistently eating lean clean food in reasonable quantities + training with intensity and purpose + managing headspace and emotions + repeating those habits over and over = leaner and more toned Magda. Simple really.

And on that note, this genius is off to update CalKing LOL

:-) Magda

Friday, May 22, 2009

DOWN BUT NOT OUT

I usually take Fridays as a rest day but since I missed training on Wednesday and I feel so "on fire" I set my alarm for 4.40am and did chest and tris before heading out for 30 mins of walking / jogging.

My strength wasnt good today and I failed on a few exercises before I made 12 reps. I gave it my all though so I cant ask for more. Then it was time to head out so off I went. About 3/4s of the way through I was running on a footpath (well lit) and stepped onto the kerb to cross the road. My foot got caught on the uneven surface and I went crashing down on my right side. My elbow took the brunt of the fall which of course meant my shoulder got a damn good jolt as did my upper back on the right side. My scrapes are minor as I was well dressed in thick layers. I have too many sore spots to mention and my right arm, and shoulder blade are very sore. Thank God nothing is broken as everything that should move, still does, albeit it not well. I suspect I'm not a candidate for osteoporosis (I drank milk by the gallons when I was young).

I struggled to get ready for work and WH convinced me that a day of rest at home was well deserved today .... and I've obeyed. I'm pottering around and practicing ambidexterity. I refuse to be beaten.

So I was downed this morning but I wont be "struck out". I've had a couple of hours of feeling sorry for myself and now its time to suck it up, remind myself of all the good in my life and put that smile back on my face. I've made a list of what I want to achieve today and its time to get cracking.

Cheers

Magda

Thursday, May 21, 2009

A NEW BEGINNING

Sorry, couldnt resist posting one more pic where I'd styled it just a little bit different today. I like my style better as it has a bit more body.

Thank you to all who left such lovely comments on "my chop". I had resisted the cut for so long because I thought the longer hair "looked younger" when in fact it dragged my face down and aged me. As soon as my female work colleague saw me today she was blown away with delight and the first thing she said was "it makes you look younger". I'm happy!!

So today I felt INVINCIBLE. I havent felt this good in a very long time. I've decided to embrace a new attitude, a "CAN DO" attitude and as a result of this I feel so much better about myself. This morning I got out my size 10 DKNY skirt and gave it another go. I last wore it early March when I was about 1kg lighter before I messed up badly again. It was tight but it fit and because the fabric is thicker it didnt show any "sins".

I've re-thought my approach to my diet and training (yes ANOTHER change) and I'll be road testing it over the next few weeks. I'm in a reasonably good place with my weight but the long-term very low carb approach just wont cut it when I need my brain functioning at work. More on my new approach later.

So with this newfound energy (well mental anyway) and enthusiasm I tackled a more traditional weights session again and did a nice leg workout. Not a killer as I need to ease back in but in a few weeks I should be firing on all cylinders again. I followed it up with a 45 minute brisk walk to my favourite lakes and back and recorded 500+ cals burned on my HRM. Great start to the day. Cals and carbs were still low today but tomorrow is a planned re-feed with a treat that I know I'll enjoy.

So here's to a bit of a new beginning with a new attitude and a new outlook. The past is gone and I refuse to waste energy beating myself up over past mistakes. I've learnt many lessons and gathered many valuable tools along my journey. Now its time to put them all to good use.

Bring on tomorrow, I say.

Cheers

Magda

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

CH CH CH CHANGES

From this

To this




What do you think?
New hairstyle.
New attitude.
New achievements.
Look out. I feel unstoppable.
Magda


SLACKING OFF .... SORT OF

Last night my head was reeling from once again researching a better diet approach. Good results and decent progress are an absolute priority as Singapore is only a tad under 5 weeks away so there’s some serious fat to be melted in that time. Although having said that, I slept so badly last night that I turned off my alarm and tried to get some more sleep instead of going out for my morning cardio. Yeah slack I know but I just dreaded being dead tired AND carb starved.

Today has been really busy at work and I’ve had less time to think about food and diets etc. This has been much better as the last few days were unsettlingly quiet and had me indulging in all sorts of inappropriate thoughts. Tomorrow I’m at a seminar for most of the day so my lifesaver may be a protein bar for morning tea and fingers crossed that they provide something suitable for lunch. No I wont be packing and taking my own food. Cold salad is SO unappetising in this cold weather that its likely to be a binge trigger so I aim to eat moderately of what’s available.

And on that note, its time to sign off and eat my smoked tuna and salad. But at least I have my little heater keeping my tootsies warm LOL. Stay tuned for pics tonight or tomorrow.

Cheers

Magda

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

CARBS GLORIOUS CARBS

During lunch today I struggled with my Binge Monster who was making a lot of noise and trying to score one against me. I was out of the office for a while and here's what I went through as I had a small wander through the city.

BM: Hmmm it must be time to get something nice to eat. There's pizza and you get 2 slices for $5. Or what about some cake? You know you love cake more than anything else.

Me: But I want to be slim when I'm shopping in Singapore. I want to buy nice clothes. So shut the f*ck up!!

BM: Yeah but just imagine how nice the cake will taste. And it'll make you feel better.

Me: Its not all about the taste and I'll only feel good for 5 minutes and then I'll be disappointed in myself again. F*ck off I tell you!!

BM: Come on, just this one wont hurt.

Me: You know its never "just this one". It always turns into a 5000 calories + blowout and then I'm back at square one over and over again. So shut up, f*ck off and while you're at it go f*ck yourself!!!!

I went back to work still in control (just!!) and started to do my project reports.

Except I stared at my screen forever waiting for my brain to work. It (my brain) was blank. I looked at the writing on the screen and I didnt know what to do with it. My brain had closed for the day but I couldnt afford to be in this position so I made a decision to feed it some carbs and caffeine.

Off I trotted to the health food store where I bought a small vegan blueberry muffin. Then it was off to GJs for a small skim cappuccino. I enjoyed the treats together and I swear I walked out of GJs feeling like a new person. I had energy, I had some vitality, my mood was better, I was warmer and I was laughing and happy again. Back at work I killed the report writing with no probs at all.

But here's the icing on the cake (not that the vegan muffin had any icing LOL). After I had that I felt ok and was still in control and I knew I DIDNT WANT ANYTHING ELSE. No binging urges. No guilty feelings of "oh I've blown it". No regrets. I listened to my body and I gave it some of what it needed (not wanted but needed) and it repaid me with a feeling of contentment and maintained control. Now thats worth even more than winning the earlier battle with my Binge Monster.

Cheers all

Magda

FBS VS DELICATE BALANCE

Well its set in. And its parked itself comfortably in place. Its engaged and fully operational. What is it?

FBS aka FUZZY BRAIN SYNDROME.

My memory, which wasn’t fantastic, to start with just got heaps worse. In the last few days I’ve forgotten:

1. An important appointment that was to be coordinated with my dad and relied on a phone call from a contractor yesterday advising that it was time for that appointment. So I had totally forgotten to tell my Dad about it and when the call came yesterday and I was in a meeting I rejected the mobile call twice before finally answering (having forgotten that I would be getting said call) and realising my stuff up.

2. To pack spare clothes for BS to wear after school at grandma’s house.

3. Dropping BS to school this morning we were half way in when I realised his blazer was still on the back shelf of the car.

But while these are all relatively minor and excusable, it’s the work stuff-ups that are causing concern. I just cant afford to be making stupid mistakes so a re-think of my eating plan is pending. Drawing board here I come or it might just be a tweak of what I’m currently doing.

On a different note I’m really loving my morning cardio but am missing the traditional muscle building weight training. Which all suggests that its time to look for a happier balance, one that will still see me achieving my short-term goal but that also has me working towards my longer term goals. Right now I’m treading water on the long-term stuff and that doesn’t sit too well with me. God knows how easy it is to stop treading for a moment and before you know it, you’re going under.

But as long as my headspace stays positively focussed and in control then I know I can sort this all out and get the delicate balance just right.

Cheers

M

Monday, May 18, 2009

BLOWN AWAY, WIERD DREAMS AND BINGING TRIGGERS

So my week one results are absolutely awesome and a bit mind boggling actually. A NICE drop on the scales and several cms lost too. My black work pants which are normally quite snug but always look ok as the fabric has some stretch, are hanging baggy on my bum and the backs of my legs already. I'm just blown away. Yep the carbs have been LOW and there has been some hunger (when isnt there??!!) but I've eaten 5 times a day (on most days) and enjoyed a bit of a relaxed weekend. All training has been moderate intensity and weights arent "muscle building" but more "muscle maintaining" focussed. This may need tweeking soon but right now I'm basking in a great start t0 getting in good shape for Singapore.

I must share something really funny and I wonder if anybody else has the same thing happen to them. Because I've been dieting and focussing on body fat loss my eating has changed to what I've been doing so far (it needed to). I've been having some really wierd dreams and even nightmares. The other night I dreamt I was eating a muffin and I was just stuffing it in as quickly as I could so nobody would see me have it. I woke up feeling guilty. LOL. Last night my dreams were a bit more nightmarish which wasnt a nice thing to wake up to. I think my stomach is sending "help me" signals to my brain and they're manifesting in wierd dreams.

I realised today that pressure/stress at work is a binging trigger for me. (I've actaully known this for ages but it really hit home today). After a morning out at a site visit / meeting I came back to the office to a number of issues that could have blown into significant problems. Couple that with the horrible task of telling one of your staff that they will be finishing up at the end of their contract and what was my reaction? Yep you guessed it. I WANT FOOD..... NO. I WANT JUNKY FOOD. Its like flicking a switch. All I could think of was what I REALLY wanted to eat.

So time for a self-pep-talk and a reminder of my May/June goal and time to think about how totally crappy I felt 2 weeks ago when I'd given in to similar cravings. Yep I didnt want to go there again and I forced myself to put those thoughts out of my mind. Thats 1 for me and the Binge Monster can just go and F*UCK HIMSELF. hehehehe

:-) Magda

Sunday, May 17, 2009

APPLAUDING MYSELF

Its great to read about KatieP, Shelley, Selina and others' competition achievements today. Placing or no placing they are winners for purely sticking with their plans and seeing it through. When times got tough, they got tougher and today they reaped their rewards. Ladies I applaud and respect you all.

But tonight I'm also applauding myself for I can honstly say that this weekend I kept it all under control. No eating frenzy of junky carbs and fats. Wine kept in moderation. And no eating to the point where I'm ready to burst. Its a really good feeling.

The "controlled re-feed" didnt happen as such. I had a bit of a night off on Friday with a couple of reds, some crackers, blue castello and a tiny serve of nuts. When it came to dinner time I wasnt really hungry for it so I left it for having the next day. WH was a bit surprised but I said "I'm full and I dont want to stuff myself" and he let it go. Over the weekend I had a few skim cappuccinos, a Slim Secrets Bar and a (paleo) Thai meal out on Saturday. All good and tomorrow its back into my modified Paleo cutting out the skim Cappuccinos and the wine of course.

Training has been on plan. Yesterday I did the full-body weights session again focussing on moderate weights and higher reps, followed by a brisk walk. It all took well over an hour and I burnt a nice number of calories. Today was purely cardio (brisk walk + ss exercise bike ride) but I added some ab work too. Then the Adelaide Figure Girls met for brunch and a catch up.

WH and I are powering along with our personal plans and life goes from being really exciting to really stressful. The emotional rollercoaster is draining but if we achieve our goal it'll be the best reward. More on that later.

Cheers all

Magda

Friday, May 15, 2009

ROUNDING UP THE WEEK

So I’ve made it to Friday on my modified Paleo eating plan and I feel better than I thought I would. The drop on the scales has been awesome and looking down I’m so much leaner through the abs. Now if my thighs would like to do some catching up I’d be even happier LOL. There have been times when my energy has been low but no lower than when I’m trying to lose weight and I’m eating carbs in the form of oats, fruit, rice cakes – not to mention all the junky carbs that I’d have when I ate off plan. Most of my low energy comes in the afternoon. No matter what I eat for lunch (unless it’s a completely free meal and its potentially high in carbs and fat) I slump in the afternoon and snacks barely pick me up.

I admit my calories have been a bit low and if I were to continue this plan then I’d have to increase them to make it sustainable. The bonus is that I’m going to test having a “controlled re-feed” on the weekend and see what effect it has on me both emotionally and physically. Not sure what it’ll be but we are going to the movies and dinner tomorrow night so it might be a free Thai meal. I’ll see what takes my fancy.

On a completely separate issue my head is reeling from a lot of stuff going on in my “other life”. WH and I are discussing some MAJOR plans for the future. If we go through with this idea it’ll be another dream come true for me. Its so exciting but circumstances are making it a difficult endeavour. On a more personal level I’m still contemplating doing some study starting in the second half of the year. I’m just undecided about which course to do and I’m weighing up the viability at this time in my life. There’s heaps happening here in my temp job too and right now its pretty much up in the air as to what I’ll be doing come August / September. Aaah so many balls in the air and I don’t know where any of them will land. Don’t you love uncertainty?

Cheers

M

Thursday, May 14, 2009

COULD IT BE TRUE.....

... that 100mls of red wine has only 2.6g of carbs and of those only .6 are sugars. (Thanks Wikipedia) But what about the 10g (I think) of alcohol? How nasty can that be, if your food is clean? I'm sure the antioxidants in the wine make it an acceptable option and if they dont then my case for having it is based on the Friday night rule*. Hanging out for my first treat this week and it'll be a glass of red with dinner tomorrow.

Arriving at mum and dad's tonight, the smell of pizza had me literally drooling. I'm so glad that I'd rung mum to tell her I would bring my own food because then I felt obliged to have it. Luckily it tasted great and I enjoyed it and no pizza passed my lips. Aaaah the power of the mind and having some determination to stick to the plan.

Cheers all

M

* If there is one time in the week that I'll have alcohol, its Friday night. WH and I share a bottle of wine (I wont be having 1/2 this time around) and have a really good talk. Its therapeutic, relaxing and its our "quality time". Its one of life's pleasures that I'm NOT prepared to give up.

SCORING RUNS ON THE BOARD

This morning the MM delighted me with another small drop. If there’s one thing that’s just about guaranteed to make me feel good its seeing that number go down. Cardio was the usual walk / jog which I’ll stick with for a while, I think. Unless I get bored and then it’ll be time to shake things up.

I had my usual lunch out with my work friends today and was a bit nervous about ordering something that fitted into my eating plan. I needn’t have worried. I quickly ordered a mineral water so as not to be pressured to have wine. When the bread came around, I refused it. A tough decision but worth it. Then I chose quail (which I love) on bruschetta (which I didn’t eat) with red capsicum and olive salad. The serve was tiny but with the oil on the salad and the skin on the quail, it was surprisingly satisfying.

Dinner is at mum and dad’s tonight with home-made pizza on the menu but I’ve packed a serve of protein and veges and will have that with everyone instead.

So once again I’ve gotten myself to my happy, positive, can-do headspace and I can tell you, this is a much better place to be. I'm scoring runs on the board and I like it. My focus is to get my weight down for the trip to Singapore so I can enjoy some retail therapy and then my focus will be to keep any weight loss off so I can wear all the fabulous new clothes I buy there. Simple isn’t it?

But more than that I’m working towards finding a happy weight, a flexible and enjoyable eating plan and a sense of balance and control in my life. When I get there I swear it’ll be like achieving nirvana.

Buddha described nirvana as the perfect peace of the state of mind that is free from craving, anger and other afflictive states. The subject is at peace with the world, has compassion for all and gives up obsessions and fixations. (Thanks Wikipedia)

Cheers all

Magda

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

BETTER BODY UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Well after 3 full days on my modified Paleo eating plan I feel surprisingly good considering my carbs have been low. This afternoon my herbal fibre supps kicked in and coupled with my magnificent vege/salad intake things really started moving leaving me feeling SO much better. (Enough on that though LOL).

I'm enjoying added good fats to most of my meals as they make lean protein with veg / salad so much more palatable. Has anyone tried the smoke flavoured John West Tempters? There is a tuna and a pink salmon one and they taste SO good. A little higher in calories than plain tuna or salmon but on my plan they're perfect as I need the extra fats. I find I'm not dreading my morning and afternoon snacks of tuna/salmon with salad and thats keeping me going on my merry way.

Tomorrow I face the challenge of having lunch out whilst maintaining this eating plan. I'll choose to skip the wine :-( and hope that the menu has a suitable option for me. Not even sure where we're going but I should research and make the suggestion. If I'm in control I stand a better chance of staying on plan.

Singapore is 46 days away and I have a better body "under construction". Stay tuned for more ....

Cheers

Magda

PS Valley Girl I visited your blog to say thanks for registering as a follower but it wouldnt let me leave a comment ????

FIRSTS

This morning was one of some “firsts”.

Number one was a date with the MM and a nice drop of the bloat leaving the building with 2.7kgs down. I swear just knowing the number is under 70 makes me feel so much better. I have a small spring in my step and am living the saying “results breed motivation”.

Number two was a decision to drag the size 12 skirt out of the recycle bag. It was put there some time ago when my weight was heading down around 66kgs but now that its higher I’m suffering a serious lack of clothes that fit and look good. I’m determined that this a temporary measure until some of my smaller clothes start to fit and I’m not restricted to a few pieces that get worn every couple of days.

Number three was a tough decision. As I’ve mentioned before, one of the things I really love doing is stopping at a cafĂ© on the way to work, ordering a skim cappuccino and enjoying it while I read the paper. However in my quest to stay low carb and 95% paleo, I’m trying to avoid the skim capp. Now you also need to know that I HATE strong coffee and also HATE black coffee. So what did I do today? I ordered a weak black coffee and drank it “neat” no sugar or sweetener. In all the time I was waiting for it, I kept telling myself “You can enjoy this. You will acquire the taste. It’ll be ok”. Hmm it was ok (just) but I’ve decided to find a nice tea, which I can truly enjoy if I want to enjoy that “me time” before work.

So that’s my news of my “firsts”. Riveting stuff isn’t it. But hey, I’ll blog the good, the bad, the downright ugly and even the boring LOL.

Cheers

M

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

TAKING ACTION

So what have I been doing the last couple of days when I havent been giving myself the proverbial slap-out-of-this-misery pep talk?

I've been eating modified Paleo. Why modified? Well I'm keeping carbs low so there's been no fruit just lots of veges without necessarily counting their carb content. And in my scrambled egg whites for breakfast, I've added some low fat creamed cottage cheese. Why? Because I have some left over from last week, nobody else here eats it and I dont want to throw it out. My protein intake has been high, my intake of good fats is relatively high and my carbs are low.

But get this ... I've even skipped my morning skim cappuccino on the way to work. Not sure I want this to be permanent or to even go on for a longer time but I've managed 2 days without dying for this favourite experience (I go to a cafe, have my coffee and read the paper before going to work).

I've done about 45 mins of cardio in the morning cranking up to my 1 song walk / 1 song jog combo which was necessary as walking alone wasnt getting my heart rate up enough. I enjoy this combo as its challenging enough to get my HR into the zone but not exhasuting and the constantly changing pace makes the time go quicker than just walking, or dare I say jogging. Weight training is temporarily modified to full body, moderate weights, higher reps, circuit style work.

I'm feeling pretty good physically but I suspect I'm not really depleted yet. Whilst I'd like to keep up this eating regime for some time, I'm mindful just how tough it is so I'm prepared to modify it so as not to risk another binge session because I felt so physically crap.

Emotionally I'm still feeling a bit fragile but that'll pass after a few more days of eating well and putting distance between me and the last over-eating session on the weekend. To be honest, I feel quite internally sad about so many things that result from my behaviour patterns. The fact that I hardly have any clothes that fit me and my stubbornness to not buy new stuff while I'm trying to lose the weight. The embarassment of not making any weight loss progress after telling many people that I was competing again this year. And just looking at my body and feeling so unhappy about how it looks.

But I'll not dwell on all that. I'm taking action and I'm looking forward to seeing some good results. Not just on the scales but also in my headspace and how I ultimately feel.

:-) M

EIGHT STEPS TO GETTING OUT OF THAT RUT

Step One: Stop waiting to be rescued from your situation.

Others might help, encourage, support and even cheer you on (all good things) - but ultimately the only person who can genuinely change your life is you. So stop looking in the wrong place. It's not about finding the right book, program or guru, it's about finding some courage and self control.

Craig is talking to me again. I have shelves full of diet books, training books and self –help / motivational books. Always searching for THE SOLUTION. Every time I fall off the wagon with my diet and/or training program I’m searching for a better diet, different training, ways to fix my headspace. I’m on that luggage pick-up carousel going nowhere.

The answer is in me and yes it boils down to self-control and not giving into the Binge Monster. I’ve read books on it and been helped through PT coaching on it so now its time to DO IT. Apply your knowledge Magda. Find the courage to give it a go. Yep it’ll be hard sometimes but that’s life. There are people out there doing it FAR tougher than me. SUCK IT UP. Life could be worse.

Deep down, most of us know exactly what we need to do; the only problem is... it freaks us out! Take control of your life today; your relationships, your body, your finances, your career and your attitude. Control what you can and don't waste energy on what you can't. Hate to tell you but the Dude with the red boots and the 'S' on his chest; not real. He ain't gonna show. You'll have to rescue yourself.

Control. Who controls my life? I’ve let my Binge Monster control many days convincing myself that I deserved every first bite, that the 100th bite still gave me pleasure and the 1000th bite was a case of “oh I’ve blown it so why bother trying to be good”. Enjoy the food today. Diet tomorrow. Sin now. Pray later.

Attitude. When its good, its great but when its bad its destructive. Sometimes I feel like I’ve accepted this crappy pattern, which frequently makes me miserable. My actions certainly suggest so. But in my heart I know that I don’t want to live my life this way. I want to be a happier person, happier on the inside knowing that I’m living my life to its full potential and not wasting precious energy on repeatedly dragging myself out of this rut.

If I posted a photo now you’d see my palm print on the side of my face. But that’s not a bad thing. Sometimes you need a wake up call and if others are too kind (or in the case of my WH – just under too much pressure and stress at work to deal with my issues) to slap you into action, then its up to you to make it happen.

To be continued ….

Cheers


Magda

Monday, May 11, 2009

THANKS CRAIG

Sometimes life feels like quicksand - unpleasant, messy, exhausting and like you're about to sink at any moment. And all too often it seems like one of those baggage carousels at the airport where you feel like you're getting somewhere for a moment, only to end up in the exact same place on a regular basis. Again and again and again. Groundhog day. If only someone would throw you a rope for the quicksand situation or come and collect you from the carousel. Well, more than likely nobody's gonna show, so you may have to do something about it yourself......

These arent my words of wisdom. They come from none other than the brilliant Craig Harper from a post entitled "Eight Steps to Getting out of that Rut". (Sorry I dont know how to link to it but its listed on the right hand side bar of his blog in the 'popular posts').

Well its time to get me out of my rut. Its time to stop thinking, analysing, considering this option and that option, wondering who / where to turn to for help and just GET THE F*CK ON WITH IT.

And once I've gotten on with it , its time TO STAY WITH IT. Not for a week, or two or three but until I reach my goal. I have honestly lost count of all the times I started gung-ho, motivation sky high, trained like a demon, dieted like a woman possessed only to let the slightest thing upset me and give me a vaild reason to blow it all off (or so I convinced myself), eat junk til I felt sick, ditch the training and then feel sorry for myself because it was all so unfair.

Unfair, my arse!!!! Magda! You know what to do. You know there'll be times when it wont be easy and there'll be times when things dont go perfectly. DEAL WITH IT!!!! And not by stuffing crap down you're throat "to make you feel better". Learn the lesson once and for all woman!!

So on that note I make no further bold statements about competing until I get this part of my life sorted out. The foundations are shaky and need work to make them stronger. Its time to put that work in and it'll take time. I got off to a great start about a month ago and again I'm back at square one but I aint giving up. I refuse to accept that I am 70+ kilos and a prime candidate for middle-aged frumpiness. I'm capable of so much more than that but I have to believe I can do it and then DO IT. Less contemplation. Less talk. More action.

In 7 weeks time we are off to Singapore for a resort holiday. Thats 49 days away. The world famous July Singapore Sales will be on. I have an extra budget allowance to buy clothes that I desperately need (I havent shopped properly for ages as I'm always waiting to lose weight before I buy clothes). But I want to do this for more than the holiday. I want to get lean, stay lean and learn to love life ... I mean REALLY love life.

Thats my vision. Stay tuned for my plan.

:-) Magda

Sunday, May 10, 2009

MY MOTHERS DAY

Today I got to indulge my (not so) inner princess. I woke up before BS was up so I lounged in bed reading yesterday's paper knowing that I would be treated to breakfast in bed once BS was up.

Upon his waking I was showered with gifts. Now I dont mean expensive shop bought gifts but ones that he'd made in school. I got a lovely "bag" made of ice cream sticks stuck together with pictures that he'd drawn, cut out and pasted on himself. The Art teacher attached the bag handle from some brightly coloured wire and it looked lovely. I got 2 hand written cards, one in Chinese and the other was a hand written thank you card with all the things I do for him that he's thankful for. I also got a laminated "poster" that reads:

MY MUM MY.
LOVELY
HAPPY
PINK
ME
WORD FINDS
SALAD
PRETTY
I LOVE MY MUM
At the bottom is a picture of mixed lettuce leaves.

This is my favourite gift as it shows what my son thinks of me and what he thinks I like.
Lovely - ahem YES!!
Happy - I always try to be around him.
Pink - wierd!! I'm more of a red lover.
Me - ????
Word Finds - yep I love word puzzles.
Salad - this made me LAUGH!!!!!!
Pretty - oh shucks
I love my mum - I love you too sweetie
And the picture of lettuce leaves just CRACKS ME UP LOL.

Breakfast was croissants - one with ham and cheese and one with berry jam. (Yes it was quite a piggy feast) - eaten in bed and then more reading of the paper. It was 10am when I got up :-)

In the evening my WH cooked dinner for us and my parents. It was a lovely evening. Photos are lacking as I feel a bit fat and ugly so I avoid the camera at these times.

So I sit here tonight feeling a bit stuffed from too much food and more wine than I should have had. But gee I enjoyed today.

Stay tuned for my new plan which kicks off tomorrow.

Cheers all

Magda

Thursday, May 07, 2009

PREPARING TO LAY NEW FOUNDATIONS

As I'm now clearly in another one of my "Struggle Street" zones it would be so easy to quit blogging. I mean who wants to put it out there for the world (well the blogging community) to know exactly what our weaknesses and shortcomings are. I mean we put so much energy into convincing people how good we are, reminding people of our brilliant achievements and singing our praises as loudly as we can. You know the saying ..."I'll blow my own trumpet coz no-one else will".

Yet I sit here and openly admit that I have an aspect of my life that I REALLY struggle with. In fact I suck at it and despite (almost) 46 years of experience I still cant do it right.

I did well at school and on leaving school I got a job easily. I've been promoted quickly to a level that I'm proud of and am now in a managerial position and getting great feedback on my performance. I'm doing work (at a managerial level) that I've never done before, which I've had to learn quickly, and I'm doing it well.

I've undergone (and passed) the very rigorous testing and screening which is mandatory if you are adopting a child. Trust me, its not for the faint-hearted ... EVERY aspect of your life is scrutinised to the nth degree. Despite a failed first marriage, I managed an amicable and fair split of which both my ex and I came out of ok. Husband #2 (otherwise known as WH - or Wonderful Husband) is just that. My man has the highest morals and ethics and expects the same from those around him. If somebody doesnt measure up to his (high) standards then he wont seek a friendship with them. Sometimes I wonder how we ended up together but I can also see that we complement each other well. I'm a good wife, a good mother and a good daughter.

I've had a successful sideline as a popular and reliable aerobics instructor. The gym at which I had worked since the early 90s, sadly farewelled me when I moved to Queensland in 2005. Upon my return to SA 2 years later, they happily gave me a job again and my old class members welcomed me back. In Queensland I built my PT business up to a level that I was very happy with. I had some great successes with clients and I really clicked with females of all ages but especially those that were somewhat more mature.

So when I look over all the things I've achieved which all point to the fact that I'm smart, capable, hard working etc I'm left wondering why I cant get something as fundamental and basic as eating right. Or maybe its not that fundamental and basic. Or maybe we lose sight of the forest for all the trees.

At times like these I need to get right back to basics. Peel away the layers of disappointments, self sabotage, self doubt, expectations, bad decisions and poor choices and lay the foundation again. Hoping that this time the engineering is right and its strong enough to ride out the future stresses.

A new approach is in order and it needs some thought. Be back soon.

Magda

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

LIFE OUTSIDE THE ZONE BUBBLE

Well there's no doubt that my health and fitness journey has travelled a very bumpy road lately. In fact its been bumpy since about 2 months after the October comps in 2007. And in fact, well before then if we look at my weight struggle history.

Sometimes I think I have the answer and I slip into the "zone" and its so damned easy that I wonder what all the fuss and struggle was before. I delight in seeing the number on the MM go down and my expectations rise with every weigh in. I tell myself that they shouldnt but it just happens like an involuntary action that we cant control like our heartbeat.

Then there will always be something that bursts my "zone bubble". It can be anything from a "wrong way dickhead moment" or a "what! I only lost ???? after all the effort I put in" or maybe a "gee I've been soooo good that I now deserve this ..... (insert name of a junky crappy food)" and it all comes crashing down.

Events of the last few days confirm that I need to work on my handling of life outside the zone bubble. You know when your motivation to stick to your healthy eating plan sinks to rock bottom, when you give in to the Feast Beast and when you start convincing yourself that yep its all too hard so you might as well have the ...... (insert name of a junky crappy food).

The sad reality is that I go over this chain of happenings, thoughts, emotions and outcomes over and over again like living the infamous Groundhog Day. The detail may change slightly but the pattern remains exactly the same. You'd think that in my ripe mid 40s I'd have this one worked out and well under control.

Well folks I have a long way to go and right now I'm not even sure which path is right let alone risking that first step. The search continues. Watch this space.

M