Friday, October 09, 2009


In the back of my mind today I've been deliberating over whether to post this or not. If I thought I was at risk of continuing or reverting to any of these behaviours then I gues I wouldnt talk about them but because I feel free of them now I feel ok about writing about them. Not sure what it'll achieve but here goes. Some of its a bit gross so feel free to exit now if you wish.

I have never been anorexic as I love food too much and could not imagine not eating to that extent. Yes there have been periods where I havent eaten much but I was still a long way from being anorexic.

Bulimia is another issue though. When binge eating becomes a regular feature in your life, yet you so desperately want to be thin, you go to almost any length to achieve your goal despite everything you do to sabotage yourself along the way. I can recall many instances where I had binged to the point of feeling like I was going to burst and then trying to make myself vomit. It never worked. But I tried it many times. But as for laxatives well that was another story. Down the hatch, a double dose for good measure and just wait for the unavoidable outcome. Aaah bliss, all the badness from the binge was undone in one (or maybe several) fowl swoop. Problem instantly solved and therefore a pattern that was repeated over and over again. I have paid the price dearly as I have the slowest system on earth and have even had a colonoscopy to make sure everything was ok down there and whilst its not 100% I should be ok. Aaah the stupid things we do when we are young and foolish.

Which leads me to my many "I'll just not eat diets". Oh I've lost track of how many times I got on that bandwagon. I even recall an appointment with my very sympathetic and understanding GP who in my teens could see my struggles. I remember him saying to me one day "even if you dont want to eat, just have a couple of Ryvitas. They'll give you energy and they have no fat and are actually good for you". Good advice under the circumstances. But I cant remember if I took it. I spent a lot of time not eating.

Then I spent time not eating fat and then not eating carbs. Low fat sucks. No carbs sucks even more. My brain stops working. No kidding. Its not just fuzzy. Its not functional full stop. I can manage on quite low carbs but there comes a point which I cannot go below and quite frankly I wont again.

I'm so lucky that somewhere along the way I found exercise that I enjoy. Aerobics was great for me and it eventually led me to weight training which I know is the bees knees. But I'm a cardio junkie at heart and always will be. I do make sure that I balance the two most of the time.

As for my eating, well it might not be great but you can see that I've come a long way. The best thing is that I know where I want to go and I feel positive about the decision I've made about the path I want to travel. I may not always know the best way to get there but I'll keep trying things until I find it.

You know when I see all that written down I think "wow you made things hard for yourself, didnt you?" but I guess thats what you get when you get caught up in body image issues at a very young age, low self esteem, lack of knowledge about good nutrition, no desire to be active and family pressure to eat up and enjoy your food. I guess we all have challenges to overcome, its just that some dont have the knowledge and skills to deal with them as well as others.


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