Friday, September 11, 2009


In my quest to stay on track and not let this rough patch be my downfall here is what I achieved today:

1. I trained on a scheduled day off. 30 minutes of 1 song walking / 1 song jogging and that was my 3rd EXTRA cardio session for the week.
2. Ate my oats, bran and protein powder for breakfast.
3. Skipped the skim cappuccino and had a long black instead.
4. Ate my chicken, brocolli, celery, continental parsley and Udo's oil for lunch.
5. Ate my low fat creamed cottage cheese with cinnamon and Splenda plus a pear for afternoon tea.
6. Drank green tea with ginger.

BUT here is where I fell down today and the reasons why:

1. Bought some spicy nuts on the way home (to share with Peter) and started eating them before I got home.
2. Had a free sample of a Cookie Man biscuit in DJs. (It was broken and free so surely those calories dont count).
3. Friday night wind-down and tonight I really wanted to indulge. Had some cheese, pate and biscuits with wine and then debated what dinner would be.
4. Settled on spinach and ricotta tortellini with various veges, ham and tomato based sauce with added evap skim milk (my attempt at a rose sauce without cream).
5. Finished off with home made Viennese biscuits.

Its been coming all week. I've been fixated on food and dreaming about what I wanted to eat. I had a crappy morning rushing from one meeting to the next with no time for food or even a herbal tea. After my 7am breakfast my next meal was around 12.30pm and I thought I was going to pass out by then. All afternoon all I could think of was what I wanted to eat.

So here is my brain dump about it all (cause where else can I get this all out??)

I want to be at my goal weight but I'm sick of dieting. Yeah you can call it a lifestyle but its a lifestyle geared towards weight/fat loss therefore its a diet (lets not bullshit around). Sometimes I just need time off to eat what I want and just be normal. Sometimes when I diet for weeks and am really focussed and on track there is this gradual build up and I start to crave a splurge/indulgence/cheat or whatever. I had one last Sunday so not sure why I felt this way so soon after. Is it because Melbourne is on my doorstep and I'm so close to my short-term goal that I'm scared. Scared that I wont achieve or scared that I will. Maybe self sabotage will keep me in my comfort zone? Maybe I'm just over all of this obsession with food, protein grams, cutting carbs, good carbs vs bad carbs etc etc. Aaaargh sometimes it does my head in.

At least I havent binged although today I came very very close and almost didnt care if I had. I needed / wanted to feel better and the only way I knew to achieve that was through food.

So although I've come a long way, as you can see I've got a long way to go. I think its called "a work in progress".

Good night all



Pip said...

Hi Magda

I can totally relate to everything you write.

On track, feeling almost invincible, enjoying life etc, moving forward, being able to deal with little situations, getting fitter and leaner is a great feeling.

Then maybe other life priorities or even nothing really happens and I may make a couple of choices I'm not pleased with and feel disappointed and annoyed, (despite positive self talk) but nothing major but I don't feel on track and fired up as I did. Then within another week or 2 or less all the food horrors come flooding back setting me up for a couple of months of total outta control bingeing and a 15kg weight gain before feeling really unfit, getting over 80kg, blubbery and annoyed with the thought of having to tackle it again if I want (to attempt) change!

I am sure that won't happen to you at all. You have come too far. Within a day or two of positive on track days you will feel much better and fired up again. Being perfect is perhaps unrealistic but being in control is realistic. Well done for refraining from bingeing thus far.

For me anyway I think I find it hard to actually believe I WILL change for good permanently while I know I can and because of that I kinda accept it when I fall off track/binge and put on weight after feeling so invincible/on track and great. I'm not sure, maybe one day at a time and also remembering that the occasional irrational moods will pass if I stick to my guns.

Keep up the great work, you can stay binge free forever and you will get over this hiccup very soon!

Magda said...

Thanks Pip,

its a real challenge isnt it? Even just dealing with the ups and downs let alone what we are and arent eating.