MY PLACE

Today I had cause to do a longish drive by myself which meant I had thinking time :-)

So I looked inwards to"My Place" and this is what I found.

I am calm despite mini crises erupting around me. Last night we got some not so good financial news that impacts on the sale of our house and our settlement. My first reaction was anger and panic until I realised that the matter was out of my control. Its being fixed and the person fixing it will keep us in the loop. Things may not turn out perfectly but I'll just have to accept that and go with the flow.

I have high self worth or self esteem (are they the same thing???). I take care with my appearance choosing clothes that I feel good in and taking time with my hair and make-up EVERY day. I carry myself like I'm proud of myself. I can tackle a difficult situation head on or I can think things through and take time to work them out if I need to. I'm not overwhelmed by life and the curve balls it throws at me.

I am internally happy. This is hard to describe but its like I'm just happy in my skin and in my head. Yes I've got an annoying lurgy and I feel way less than 100%, I'm still on the looking-for-a-rental merry-go-round and living with a very sick and miserable husband, but I'm feeling happy.

When I'm in "My Place" life is balanced and happy and that's just where I want it to be. I've blogged previously about feeling invincible and thought that was just the bees knees but you know what invincible was for me? It was eating to a strict plan, weighing, measuring and logging everything until the macros were just perfect. It meant training twice a day which is also what I was doing at 12 weeks out from competing. It was living like an overstretched rubber band just waiting to snap. And like all overstretched bands I did snap and then OMG the binges were dreadful, shameful, debilitating incidents that left me feeling physically and emotionally like CR*P. So now I say "phooee" to invincible and welcome balance into my life.

Training this week is limited to walking now. Hubbie has taken his coughing-up-my-guts and is sleeping in the guest bedroom so I cant do my early morning weights or cardio on the bike or rower. So I head out for a walk instead because we all know "something is better than nothing".

Oh and tomorrow night we are having home made pizza at mum and dad's for dinner (and I wont be eating green veg and lean protein instead).

Cheers all

Magda

MY NO DIET MENU FOR TODAY

I love not being on a diet.

Breakfsat today was a multigrain muffin with an egg on one half and natural peanut butter on the other half. I'm sick of oats and powder every day so I enjoyed this immensely.

For morning tea today we had a spread to welcome back a colleague. I wasnt overly hungry and had just arrived at work quite late so I grabbed a skim cappuccino and had that. Didnt fancy anything else and definitely didnt feel deprived.

Sometimes I stiil eat "diet food" for lunch just because I really like it. I had leftover stir fried veges from last night (onion, carrot, red capsicum, brocolli, cabbage cooked in chicken stock, Tamari, ginger, lemongrass and chilli) with some peri peri chicken, fresh coriander and Udo's oil.

I love low fat creamed cottage cheese with Splenda and cinnamon and am still having it in the afternoon if I'm hungry and I love hard brown pears so they're staying on the menu too.

But the piece de resistance is Tuesday's dinner. My boys have home cooked crumbed calamari (hubbie has lemon pepper and the kid has plain crumbed) and I've been eating my green veg and lean protein because losing weight was THE most important thing. Well not now. I also had a medium serve of the lemon pepper calamari, tartare sauce and a huge salad. Yummo. I'm satisfied physically, emotionally and I'm in a happy place. This will be regular thing in our household from now on.

Training today was a one hour walk and even then I just about died towards the end. Tomorrow may be a rest day at home so I can shake this annoying lurgy once and for all.

Cheers all

Magda

SOMETIMES THE WIERDEST THINGS HAPPEN.....

So we all know that I ate badly last week. Oh yeah many of my binge foods featured almost daily and dinner out on Thursday night meant I ate way too much salt and pepper squid (yum) and chips. I also slackened off on my training and completed very few of my regular sessions. Yep I was a junk food munching, misery guts, Negative Nelly, lazy slob.

Saturday saw the turn back onto the path I want to follow and being a very busy day meant that I didnt eat as much as usual. Sunday pretty much followed suit. Although there was no dieting, for whatever reason I just didnt eat heaps.

So how on earth do I wake up this morning feeling really lean. I'm not weighing myself (except maybe once a month - thinking about it) but I could just tell. I have a pair of charcoal pants in a size 10. They are an under-70-kilos-pants and I put them on and they were really comfy. Not tight at all. Great sign!! I feel like the whoosh fairy came and dumped a massive whoosh on me and its awesome.

Today I eased off the intensity of my training as this lurgy is trying hard to take me down. It was chest and back and I still worked hard and already have the DOMS as my reward :-) I'm just planning to take each day as it comes until I'm 100% well again. Still planning to train but will modify it accordingly.

The rental hunting is challenging to say the least. Its going to be much harder than we thought but pressing on and following up lots of places. Fingers crossed we get something soon.

Cheers all

Magda

WELCOME BACK MOJO :-)

Even though I'm not feeling 100% on the health front as I battle an annoying lurgy that tries desperately to take me down, my headspace is back where it should be.

I'm ready to tackle the "non-diet approach" to getting my body lean and healthy. I call it the "mind right approach" because that'll be my weapon of choice in this venture.

Matti (SP) showed me how to avoid binging. When I left her I had the tools and I knew how to use them now its just up to me to use them regularly. Practice. Practice. Practice.

Over the coming weeks and months I want to shift my focus from the numbers on the Metal Monster or the numbers on the tape measure to how I feel instead. My goal is to eat nutritious food that I love the taste of but that also leaves me feeling good, both physically and emotionally. Oh and that includes treats. If I meet a friend for a long overdue catch up then I'll have a wine with her. This is me and this is what I love. I will not weigh or measure my food (unless its for a recipe). I will not log on Calking or mentally calculate calories, fat grams etc (I never did anyway - I was an obsessive logger). I will not religiously record everything I eat and drink and what time I had it etc etc. The road ahead may be bumpy and full of twists and turns but I vow to give this a damn good go.

My training goals need some thought but basically I will continue to get up early and train for an hour before the day starts for my family. I'm amazed by people who learn of my training routine and look at me with wide disbelieving eyes and say "how could you possibly do that? I could NEVER do that." Well my answer will be "how could you NOT do it?" If I stop moving for more than a couple of days, I feel lethargic, heavy and like a slob. The choice is pretty clear in my book. But then I've always enjoyed my training or rather that fantastic feeling you get straight after it.

As for the decision about competing again. Well it doesnt have to be made now. My first priority is to get my body to a happy place both in terms of fat levels and muscle tone (I hate that phrase but with my littlies even thats a compliment) using my "mind right approach". I want balance, freedom and a high sense of self worth to dominate my life from here on.

And finally Shelley, when I'm 80 years old and sitting in my comfy armchair sipping a Cointreau on ice with my son, his wife and their children around me I want to be able to tell them that I had a fantastic and happy life. All along I was blessed with a wonderful family, good friends and I hardly ever encountered any hardships (well none that got the better of me anyway). When life threw curve balls my way I found a way to deal with them and I NEVER GAVE UP. And in the spirit of my life's motto "dont die wondering what if" deep down I know I'll give competing another go but not just yet.

Wish me luck folks.

Magda

LIFE AFTER DIETS??

This morning I set out to walk for an hour. It was cold. It was blowing a gale. It rained. It even hailed a little. I grizzled to myself for a good part of the hour before pulling myself up and realising how my negative grizzling would take me back to my black hole. So I directed my thoughts to the dams filling nicely and the farmers being happy and I pressed on even though I wanted to cut it short.

So while walking I had thinking time and I went back over the last week. What happened? Where did I go wrong? Why am I in this confused state? And I came to realise a few things.

What was different about this week? Yes I was stressed and under pressure but I've been there plenty of times lately. But this week I stopped working on keeping my thoughts positive and believing in my ability to stay strong and focussed. I literally spent 2 days just telling myself that I was a failure etc etc. Even though I now know how to avoid binging, I chose to not use any of those skills or that knowledge. I made the mistake of lapsing into old thought patterns and they resulted in old (self sabotaging) behaviours.

As for my confused state. Well let me just say this: how can I think logically and clearly when my body is not nourished with good food, when its crammed full of sweet, salty, processed crap and the mind is screaming "loser failure"? Oh and not to mention the tub of vanilla ice cream I was hugging while blogging about this dilemma. Is that where I thought I'd find my answers LOL??

So today has been great. I ate totally "off plan" after breakfast but when you're rental hunting all afternoon you just go with the flow and I was totally ok with that. Maybe there is a life after diets? Lets see.

Cheers all

Magda

A BETTER DAY

So today was a much better day. Far from perfect but much better.

I had some very simple goals for today. They were:

1. 4-5 meals/snacks with no eating in between. Done. I also avoided sweets today and processed crappy food. However I did have a big dinner which included chips - room for improvement as usual.

2. 30 minutes of exercise of my choice (probably in the afternoon). I actually got up early and went for a walk. Today it was a case of something is better than nothing so happy with my effort.

3. Lots of positive self talk and smiling even if I feel like crap. Boy did this get tested today. I endured a very unpleasant meeting that left me feeling less than good about myself. So the positive self talk was really important if I wasnt going to once again eat my body weight in junk food.

4. Reminding myself of how far I’ve come and that I can and will deal with all this without resorting to previous bad habits. Not a lot of time to ponder this one but it did occur to me when we got home from having dinner out and I thought "ooh I might just have a Ferrero Rocher". And then I thought about it and decided that I didnt really want one and I made the choice to not have one. Thinking right that time!!!

5. I think its best summed up by “ask for what you want and not what you don’t want”. Did a bit of this before going to sleep last night. Affirmations need to be on my menu more often though if they are to be effective.

The rental I looked at probably wont suit as the space for the fridge is not not quite big enough. Shame cause it was a nice place in a great location. Moving on to the next option now.

Well although I have lots more words of wisdom that I could blog, I'm going to sign off as I'm feeling very tired and run down so will make sleep my priority. Hope to be back tomorrow with another "good day" report.

Cheers all

Magda

LOOKING AT THE GLASS HALF FULL

To Liz, Frankie, Sandra and Kristy a big thank you for the lovely and supportive comments about my situation. Its nice to not feel alone. I am getting some other help too and for that I'm also grateful (you know who you are).

I have some work to do to get myself back on track and that will be my focus tonight. Small steps to begin and some small goals for tomorrow. The biggest change has to happen between the ears and thats what I really need to work on.

So to start the process tonight's blog is about positive things and the glass being half full. F*ck the misery guts attitude cause it aint taking me anywhere I want to be.

Our legendary real estate agent has just negotiated for our purchaser to buy most of our furniture. Hallelulia!! We are happy with the price. We have a lot less stuff to move and therefore can consider a wider range of rental properties AND I'll have the best reason ever to buy new furniture for our new house :-)

I've taken action to find a rental property. I'm inspecting one tomorrow afternoon and have an agent calling back on the availability of another for inspection over the next few days. This is progress on just surfing the net and listing "maybes". Our purchaser has indicated that he's ready to settle any time given 3 days notice. F*ck it if we can bring the date forward we will. We are ready to move on :-)

Melbourne was fantastic. On Friday we headed to the Docklands and had a delicious middle eastern lunch at The Mecca Bah. We shared a bottle of sav blanc and sat outside and just enjoyed each other's company. Then it was shopping at Harbour Town before heading back to our hotel in the city. Dinner was at our hotel because the $15 steak night sounded too good to resist and it didnt disappoint. Mind you, how could it after starting with a glass of French champagne and then sharing a bottle of red and churros for dessert. YUMMO!!

On Saturday we walked over 6kms to Amici on Chapel Street for a superb breakfast and then made our way back down Chapel Street for a spot of shopping (again). Rain had us taxi back to the city before we found the Melbourne Museum and checked out the Pompei Exhibition and other galleries at the MM. We walked heaps that day so the decision to not take training gear was a good one in hindsight. On Saturday evening we wandered over to Lygon Street for a few drinks before finding a nice Italian place for dinner and another bottle of red. (Yes our livers are somewhat pickled by now but hey we love our wine). All up a great day.

Despite visiting Melbourne many times before, I'd never been to the Vic Markets so that was on our itinerary for Sunday morning. They failed to impress so it was back into the city and a wander through Melbourne Central where I found my little gem. Scanlan and Theodore were having a closing down sale and I bought a very expensive suit for less than half price. I was like a pig in shit!! We wandered over to the Greek quarter and shared an appetiser platter for lunch. Mind you it had so much food on it that it was more like a main course platter but who's complaining. Aaah our last bottle of sav blanc and just to finish the holiday with a big celebratory bang we each had a greek dessert. Hubbie chose the galactobureko (vanilla custard in filo pasrty) and I had a baklava (walnuts, honey in filo pasrty). I thought I'd died and gone to heaven :-)

Before we knew it, it was over and we were flying home tired but happy from the lovely break. So as well as eating all that yummy food, sharing a few bottles of wine and getting in some shopping, we had some great talks about a whole lot of stuff in a relaxed setting with no work, no domesticity and no pressure hanging over us. BLISS!!! :-) :-)

So my goal from here is to put the last 3 days behind me. Whats happened has happened and cant be changed but I can choose how I deal with it all from here on. Its time to reclaim my power and control and not allow myself to slide further into that black hole. And I'm starting by NOT having any Ferreo Rocher chocolate before bedtime.

Cheers

Magda

OVERWHELMED

The reality of my circumstances is just sinking in.

I dont know where I'll be living in less than 4 weeks time.
I dont know what furniture I'll have.
I dont know who'll be moving us and what we'll be taking and to where.
Irrespective of all of the above I have a lot of packing to do in not a lot of time.
I can lessen my packing work by selling a heap of stuff on eBay. I just wish it'd photograph itself and hop on the website without me having to devote time to it.
To achieve all this in the blink of an eye timeframe that I'm working to, I need to take (even more) time off work.
BUT my boss is away and I'm struggling to stay on top of all the issues I deal with.

Oh any poor hubbie is under so much pressure and stress with his work that I'm flying solo on most of the above and keeping our family life in the happy zone that I like it to be in.

So how am I dealing with all of this? Not so good so I'm taking some time to privately work through this so I can come out the other side a happier and better person than I am right now.

Oh and hopefully not be weighing 4 or 5 kilos more than I do now. Enough said.

Magda

10/10

A very quick post tonight, the eve of our weekend in Melbourne.

I'm due to weigh and measure tomorrow but I'm not stressing about the numbers. They may be down (from last week), they may not. Que sera, sera. Will it upset me, put me in a bad mood, put me in a "bugger it, I'll just eat like there's no tomorrow" mood or ruin my mini holiday? NO WAY!!!

I'm not even sure if the size 11 jeans will fit but taking an educated guess I'd say not. Will test them in the morning. Anyway the size 12s are ready to go.

Since last weekend I've done verything right and thats all I can judge my success on. Well done Magda, you scored a 10/10 this week :-)

Cheers all

PERCEPTIONS AND STANDARDS

This morning my husband and I were having a coffee together before we went to work. I was enjoying my skim cappuccino to which he commented, “oh you’re back on them”.

“Yep I hate black coffee” was my reply as I continued to sip and enjoy.

“Well you must be down to your goal weight already”.

God bless him for making such a wonderful and complimentary comment. I’m actually about 4 or 5 kilos away and although I feel heaps better than I did when I was 70kgs+, I still feel I have a long way to go. I must be looking heaps better though and he does know how much I‘ve been training lately (lots!!) and being quite careful with my diet (most of the time).

Which brings me to the issue of perceptions and standards. How often do we perceive ourselves to be fatter, less fit, less attractive, less competent and less anything than we actually are? Is it human nature or is it the domain of a minority that lack self-esteem or have a poor body image? I know personally that unless I’m sitting at my goal weight or am considerably under it, then I feel fat. A bad hair day or certain clothes will always make me feel less attractive. I read other’s blogs and think “shit they’re lifting THAT much” and I feel like a pissant wimp. The list goes on and on.

For me it takes a considerable effort to focus on the positives and remind myself that fat is a relative term. I may not be single digit body fat lean but compared to many other women in the 40 – 50 year age group, that work in the same industry as me, I’m in good shape. Some say vanity is a curse and I admit I’m a victim of the “I need to feel attractive” trap. But that may not be such a bad thing. Taking pride in your appearance is a virtue. When you look good, you feel good and when you feel good you’re happy and positive. The flow on benefit is positive when viewed that way.

Standards on the other hand are what we expect of others and ourselves. I know I set my standards quite high. There are things I do every day that to me are not negotiable. For many others they aren’t important. I like to achieve, be it in my personal life or in my career. When I set my goal to compete in 2007 I had many a pained discussion with my trainer when things got tough. But at every hurdle and challenge I would tell him “failure was NOT an option”. Of course he would reply by telling me that it certainly was but I would not accept that. As hard as it was to pick myself up from some of the messes I got myself into, I did it and pressed on.

I’ve been in this current (temporary) job for a year now. Its one of the hardest jobs I’ve had because I manage so many different things that all sit under one large banner. I was working on a particular project late last year and there was a significant change in direction meaning there was a LOT of work to do in very little time. So for me it was nose to the grindstone because NOT meeting my deadline was NOT an option. I worked late at night, early in the morning, on weekends and basically every free minute of the day just to get the job done and I succeeded. Little did I realise that by doing so I earned the respect of my boss and bosses higher up by proving just how capable I was. But for me the most important thing was not letting myself down. The rest didn’t really matter.

Maybe life would be easier and simpler if we just coasted along and didn’t set such high standards or such big goals to achieve. There would be less pressure on us and “cushy” could be a daily occurrence instead of a pipe dream. Sound attractive??

I don’t think so. I know I’d rather be celebrating the highs and riding out the lows rather than living my life flat line.

What would you choose?

Cheers

Magda

SHARING MY DREAMS AND PLANS

Having weathered the weekend storm its nice to be sailing on calm seas again. Its times like these that I can think about what I want as opposed to what I dont want (thanks Shelley for a very opportune reminder!!)

I have a little mantra that I repeat when I'm out training (usually on one of my jogs) and the going gets tough. It goes like this:

I am strong.
I am lean.
I am toned.
I look great and I feel fantastic.

And I repeat this over and over forwards, backwards and whateverwards. It really helps to get my headspace right and to keep pushing when I just want to give up. I could also apply this to my weight training and at those times when my Inner Fat Girl is screaming for a feed. I'll be aiming to do this more over the coming weeks.

The other thing that means a lot to me is to achieve a happy balance with my lifestyle including how, what, when I eat etc, how much I train, what my resulting physique looks like, how my energy levels are and most importantly how I feel within myself. There's a lot of elements to this equation and I keep playing around with them until I get it right. I've made a mental list of what I dont want to do but this has been replaced by focussing on behaviours that I do want to incorporate into my every day life. Such as:

1. Eating mindfully. Choosing nutritious food most of the time but having small regular treats without feelings of guilt or shame. Trusting my instincts that will guide me correctly towards fat loss without obsessively weighing every morsel and keeping painful records of it all.

2. Balancing my training time between weights and cardio so as not to burn out in either area. Its no secret that I'm a cardio junkie and could happily do it twice a day on most days but this should not be necessary. I enjoy doing weights but I could be more passionate about them, I know.

3. Ah physique and how it looks. I have my motivation book with a page devoted to describing the physique I'm aiming for. Yes I'm aiming for the stars but you gotta dream big. I'm realistic enough to know that it'll take quite some time but as long as I'm moving towards it then I'm on the right track. I also know that down the track, I'll have to change my plan of attack but not ready just yet.

4. Energy levels are a problem for me. When you eat little and often, gaps in between meals can be longer than planned and then I hit a real energy slump. Thats when my food cravings go through the roof and I also get mega grumpy and irritable. This area needs work thats for sure.

5. Finally the most important thing is how I feel within myself. Before I saw the SP and I was binging regularly, I always felt agitated, stressed, tense and did not believe I could conquer my problem. I lived constantly with feelings of shame, disgust, hopelessness and failure. I was in a negative rut and I could not see a way out. However after a few sessions things changed drastically for the better and a sense of calm and internal happiness came over me. Those are the feelings I want to hold onto and I now know how to manage my thoughts and actions so that I dont go back to my negative place - well I may stick my nose in for a second every now and then but thats the extent of it.

So thats my brain dump on my life, where I'm at, where I want to go and to some extent how I might get there. I dont have all the pieces of the puzzle just yet but its filling out slowly and surely.

Cheers all

Magda

LISTENING TO MY VOICE OF REASON

I have given my "diet" a lot of thought today. I woke up feeling awful (too much wine over the weekend and some over indulgence at hubbie's birthday dinner last night). I suffered through my leg workout and then did my bike intervals. There wasn't much enjoyment there until it was all done LOL.

That's the price you pay for making poor choices with food and wine.

My voice of reason told me that going ultra low carb for however long is not the answer. Yes the number on the scale will drop but its just water weight essentially. I may last 4 days but will probably end up having mad cravings. Plus eating like that just doesn't work for me. I need far more fibre in my diet (and chugging glassfuls of Metamucil makes no difference) and I need my brain working optimally for my job. Fuzzy brain just doesn't cut it for me.

So carbs are in and this in itself makes me a happier person. So over my black coffee this morning (more on that later) I thought about what I wanted and how I wanted to live my life and achieve my goals. Here are my thoughts / decisions:

1. I'm not worried about what I'll weigh going to Melbourne. I'm not fretting about whether the size 11 jeans will fit or not. I'll wash my loose size 12s and wear those and enjoy the weekend.

2. Today I feel calm and rational again but the balance thing still eludes me. I'm over the weekend and I'm not stressing about it, regretting it or worst of all, beating myself up over it. Moving on!!

3. I'm going to relax my approach to my diet and trust my instincts to know what / how / when to eat for fat loss. I've lost fat many times before just by being more mindful and I'm giving this a go. I don't want to obsessively weigh and record everything and I want to be a bit more liberal in the choices I make. I wont go overboard on treats as I still want good results but I need to feel more "normal" so that I don't get to a point where I just become totally obsessed and consumed by what I'm eating or not eating. Hence one reason for my recent poor choices.

4. If I can get my headspace right (and its just about 100% today so things are looking great there) I believe this can work for me. I just have to believe that it will and be mindful of what I ultimately want. And that is to be: strong, lean and toned, to look great and feel fantastic (and I wont achieve that by putting crap into my body). PS This is my mantra / affirmation.

5. Oh and I HATE black coffee and will be having a small skim cappuccino in the mornings again.

So bring on a new approach and a new outlook with a view to achieving a better balance and more consistent inner calm and happiness. I'm smart enough and wise enough to realise that crash diets dont work and if I'm not prepared to do it long term then why waste time on it in the short term. Better to find what works, what makes me happy and then stick to it.

Oh I love feeling like this again :-)

Magda

AWESOME TRAINING AND NOT SO AWESOME EATS

Awesome training this morning. I set out on my 40 minute jog and it was a lovely spring morning albeit a bit windy. I was determined not to check the time and I jogged and jogged and jogged. When I was nearing home I added a little bit extra by doing the outer lap of the oval, then cutting towards home, lapping a cul de sac and then doing one extra block adjacent to home. I pulled into my driveway and looked at the time on my phone. OMG I had been jogging for 55 minutes and I felt ok. I love training sessions like that :-)

Food wise there remains lots of room for improvement. I'm not sure whats going on but for some reason I want to eat anything, everything and lots of it. We had a birthday dinner for my husband tonight and I came away thinking "geez I could have handled that better". Talk about eating like there's no tomorrow. Tomorrow's goal is to reign it back in and get back to the lean and clean or else I'll be squeezing into my size 12 jeans (they're quite loose now) when I go to Melbourne.

Good night all

Magda

I'VE COME TO REALISE .....

1. Sometimes I just need a break from dieting to feel / be normal again.

2. If I choose to eat a toasted foccacia for lunch then so be it. I love them and every now and then I want to eat them.

3. There will be days when I make choices that arent the best but as long as I'm ok with it then the rest doesnt matter.

4. I've achieved a lot in the last 10 or 12 weeks. A small hiccup now will not undo the good that I've chalked up. Keeping it all in perspective is the key.

5. For me slow and steady will win the race. There'll be times when I power along but then I'll stop and smell the roses or stop for a powernap or a bit of refreshment. As long as I pick myself up and stay on my journey, I'll make it to my destination. I'm definitely a turtle and not a hare.

So instead of being in a total flap or being really depressed about a day where I didnt eat to plan, I'm accepting it as a fact of life and keeping it all in perspective and am blogging this with a smile still on my face.

Power to me and may the coming week see me back to my usual ways.

Cheers all

Magda

A WORK IN PROGRESS

In my quest to stay on track and not let this rough patch be my downfall here is what I achieved today:

1. I trained on a scheduled day off. 30 minutes of 1 song walking / 1 song jogging and that was my 3rd EXTRA cardio session for the week.
2. Ate my oats, bran and protein powder for breakfast.
3. Skipped the skim cappuccino and had a long black instead.
4. Ate my chicken, brocolli, celery, continental parsley and Udo's oil for lunch.
5. Ate my low fat creamed cottage cheese with cinnamon and Splenda plus a pear for afternoon tea.
6. Drank green tea with ginger.

BUT here is where I fell down today and the reasons why:

1. Bought some spicy nuts on the way home (to share with Peter) and started eating them before I got home.
2. Had a free sample of a Cookie Man biscuit in DJs. (It was broken and free so surely those calories dont count).
3. Friday night wind-down and tonight I really wanted to indulge. Had some cheese, pate and biscuits with wine and then debated what dinner would be.
4. Settled on spinach and ricotta tortellini with various veges, ham and tomato based sauce with added evap skim milk (my attempt at a rose sauce without cream).
5. Finished off with home made Viennese biscuits.

Its been coming all week. I've been fixated on food and dreaming about what I wanted to eat. I had a crappy morning rushing from one meeting to the next with no time for food or even a herbal tea. After my 7am breakfast my next meal was around 12.30pm and I thought I was going to pass out by then. All afternoon all I could think of was what I wanted to eat.

So here is my brain dump about it all (cause where else can I get this all out??)

I want to be at my goal weight but I'm sick of dieting. Yeah you can call it a lifestyle but its a lifestyle geared towards weight/fat loss therefore its a diet (lets not bullshit around). Sometimes I just need time off to eat what I want and just be normal. Sometimes when I diet for weeks and am really focussed and on track there is this gradual build up and I start to crave a splurge/indulgence/cheat or whatever. I had one last Sunday so not sure why I felt this way so soon after. Is it because Melbourne is on my doorstep and I'm so close to my short-term goal that I'm scared. Scared that I wont achieve or scared that I will. Maybe self sabotage will keep me in my comfort zone? Maybe I'm just over all of this obsession with food, protein grams, cutting carbs, good carbs vs bad carbs etc etc. Aaaargh sometimes it does my head in.

At least I havent binged although today I came very very close and almost didnt care if I had. I needed / wanted to feel better and the only way I knew to achieve that was through food.

So although I've come a long way, as you can see I've got a long way to go. I think its called "a work in progress".

Good night all

Magda

THE BISCUIT IN PERSPECTIVE

As you know from yesterday's post things feel a little tough right now. I'm not talking disastrous, but I'm just not feeling as invincible as I have recently. And I've liked that "invincible" feeling as it leaves me believing that anything is possible and that I can achieve my goals. But Melbourne is drawing nearer (next Friday) and whilst I may well meet my goal to be in the 65s, I doubt if the size 11 jeans will fit. Typically the legs take an eternity to slim down and in 8 or so weeks I've barely scratched the surface.

But back to the title of this post. I didnt work today as I needed to drive my husband to and from a medical appointment for a minor surgery (he was having a small skin cancer removed). It was great to be off work but a change in routine is always challenging. So in the afternoon (he's feeling ok) we're out sorting some stuff for our new house and at one hour after eating lunch my stomach starts rumbling. (Goddamn I should have added some good fats to my meat and veges like I always do because I dont have starchy carbs then). And it doesnt stop as it really wants a (proper) feed. We finish early and have an hour to kill before we meet with our son's teacher for a PT interview so hubbie suggests we go for a coffee.

All sorts of thoughts are going through my mind by now and I cant wait to get there so I can have something to eat (bugger the fat loss goal). I order an almond finger biscuit and have that with a skim cappuccino. Its delicious, devine and just enough to take my hunger away. I'm happy, albeit mildly guilty. Then I spend the rest of the day analysing this decision and agonising over having eaten this (small) treat. I tell you, I'm driving myself crazy.

So I'm trying to put the biscuit into perspective. I was hungry and didnt have appropriate food with me as I usually do. The coffee shop didnt have much in the way of healthy options (there wasnt time to order a meal off the menu) so I chose a small treat and enjoyed it. I could have gone an enormous muffin or a fat laden carrot cake or cheesecake but I went small and modest. (I could also have gone hungry but that makes me very grumpy and short-tempered). So when I weigh all that up I guess the conclusion is .... BIG DEAL. I ate a biscuit. And on that note I'll agonise no more as the biscuit is now in perspective and the oats/bran are soaking for tomorrow's breakfast so that I dont end up having the fruit toast with lashings of butter that I keep dreaming about LOL

:-) Magda

MIDWEEK SLUMP

I was blown away by my increased strength and energy levels since Sunday’s breakfast and dinner. I had been eating pretty lean and clean for about 3 weeks and one obvious side effect for me is that my strength is far from its max and jogging is hard work as there just isn’t heaps of fuel in the tank.

So Monday night I went to do my shoulders and arms session (using supersets) and set my weights at last week’s levels knowing that it was a pretty tough workout. To my surprise all exercises seemed considerably easier and I increased my weights and they still weren’t hard, as such. By the end I had made some significant increases in weights just to get the max out of the session. I was pretty impressed with myself actually.

Yesterday morning I headed out for my 40 minute jog and again found a level of energy I just don’t usually have after really sticking to my nutrition plan. I ran the same route as last week’s mid week run and what took me 46 minutes last time, took 44 this time. It felt like I was going faster and the numbers proved it. Funnily enough this time I had good energy to start with and then got tired towards the end whereas previously I’d start slow and find it hard then as I neared the end I’d get a second wind and finish stronger than the start.

Today this is my third day of lean and clean eating and it feels like everything is back to normal and energy and strength are mediocre again LOL. It was fun while it lasted and its highlighted how different I can feel and how I can harness that extra strength and energy into some really effective training sessions in future.

Sadly I feel like I've hit a bit of a midweek slump. I've struggled with motivation for work both Monday and yesterday so today was crunch time as important jobs couldnt be put off any longer. My thoughts are constantly going to food and I'm having little dream sessions about what I want to eat. On the way back from a meeting today I passed our local Bakers Delight and thought back to all the previous times when I'd call in and indulge in a scone or a scroll or a pastry or sometimes ALL THREE. But I forced myself to keep eyes ahead and just keep walking. Or just out of the blue I'd think "mmmm I feel like pasta" when I wasnt even hungry. Has my quest to lose my excess body fat made me totally obsessed with food and eating? I'm sure there's a logical reason for my illogical thoughts but I just cant see it right now.

So tonight I took the best tonic I could think of and knocked out a training session including ab work and my home cardio routine. Feeling better now but have room to feel much better still. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe its up to me to make it so.

Cheers all

Magda

FATHERS DAY

We had a lovely Fathers Day and I love this pic of me with Dad. We started the day with breakfast out at The Store. I had an omelette which wasnt my original intention but it was oh so yummy and I enjoyed every mouthful. Before we went out, I had prepared the lamb shanks and got them going in the slow cooker so they would be really tender by dinner time.

I spent the day playing with my son and pottering in the kitchen. On Saturday night I made a Mocha Log Cake for dessert and that just needed decorating on Sunday. Everyone said it was superb and I'll take their word for it as it was way too chocolatey for my liking.

My dinner turned out to be excellent. All the lamb fell off the bones and was extremely tasty served with the white bean puree, caramelised onions, gravy made from pan juices and steamed veges. The meal was very high in fat (lamb shanks are not lean even if well trimmed) but very yummy as a rare treat. (Inner Fat Girl was VERY happy last night LOL)

The family had a lovely evening but it was a very late night for me as I like to clean up properly before going to bed and that took longer than expected. Plus there were lunches to make and uniforms to iron. Aaah a mum's work is never done :-)

So with a bed time post 11.30 pm and a rising at 4.50 am (it was one hour power walk day today), I was zombie tired all day. Inner Fat Girl thought it'd be a good idea to keep feeding her today but my Voice of Reason drowned out her pitiful wailing. Just because I'm tired and its a cold drizzly morning and I have really bad Mondayitis doesnt mean that junk food will fix that. So it was a day on plan and will be an early night tonight.

Tomorrow will be a better day

:-) Magda

INNER FAT GIRL SCREAMING FOR A FEED

Today my Inner Fat Girl made a lot of noise. In fact she was SCREAMING for a feed and it took all my strength to not give in to her.

I've been doing really well with both my nutrition and my training. My headspace has been great and I've been focussed and consistent for about 3 solid weeks now. But I guess these times will always come along just to really test me, like they do for a lot of other bloggers too.

I wondered if it was because I was out of my usual routine today. I missed my favourite cardio session which is my powerwalk on a Saturday morning. I trained chest and back instead and then did (another) bike cardio which are becoming all too common and boring. Then my husband decides to change the lunch plans. We were having an open so we normally eat at our local cafe but as our open was later today, he wanted to eat lunch at home. This added another 30-40 minutes to my clean up time so I was a bit annoyed about that although I did enjoy the meal I made for myself.

We dropped our son to my SIL's place so he could help her make Viennese biscuits for my husband for Fathers Day (they are one of his favourites). When we got there they had a little table set up on their new deck and on it was a plate of cakes as they'd had a visitor. I made my way over to the deck and sat in the sunshine for a while, the whole time just drooling over the cakes. No joke, I felt like eating all 5 pieces.

When it was afternoon tea time, my husband had a buttered finger bun and I made myself a bowl of cheesecake flavoured yogurt with low fat creamed cottage cheese added to it. My husband peered over to my bowl with its unappetising looking contents and said "whats that?" So I explained and quickly told him that it tasted way better than it looked. I then went on to tell him that I was finding it very hard to eat on plan today and that I'd much rather be eating a Brumby's apricot scroll, toasted with lashings of butter. So instaed of making fun of me and my wierd food he lavished me with heaps of praise for staying strong and making good choices. When he poured himself a glass of wine a couple of hours later he didnt even ask if I wanted one. (I probably would have said yes tonight)

So I think after 3 weeks of my food being really really clean, its time to dirty it up a bit tomorrow. We're having breakfast at The Store in Melbourne Street but I'll choose a healthy option (probably eggs with rye toast) and I'll cash in a treat skim cappuccino. Then I'm making lamb shanks for Fathers Day dinner for us, my mum and dad and BIL and SIL. That'll be my relaxed/cheat meal and I cant wait.

So my Inner Fat Girl will get her feed but it'll be on my terms and not hers.

:-) Magda

GOOD REPORT CARD FROM SHOW DAY

Hi all,

yep Show Day was all good - apart from about 2 hours of hunger but I managed it ok. I packed lunch for my my son and myself and then bought him a cinnamon donut as a treat. Yes the lady who served me was quite amused as I'm sure nobody else bought just one donut. I did get hungry as we were sitting in the stands waiting for the cars and motorbikes to come on but I hung on knowing that we'd leave after that and I'd enjoy a skim cappuccino and a Slim Secrtets bar (as a meal) on the way home. And I sure did enjoy them. I savoured every mouthful with no guilt or regrets.

But I'm amazed at how much crap, is consumed by the public. On the walk to the entrance we were behind a group of teenage girls and they were already devouring an enormous bag of the coloured popcorn before they even got there. (Ick how gross). Then the boys who were tipping those sugary fizzes down their throats like water and guzzling Coke to wash them down. Man there'd be some rotting insides happening.

I can confirm that the obesity epidemic is alive and well and 99% of people I saw today were adding fule to the obsesity fire. There was barely a stand that sold anything even remotely healthy let alone clean - unless you went to the horticulture hall and bought fresh fuit or vegetables.

Anyways I dont want to get on my high horse because I too am less than perfect and have certainly eaten my fair share of junk in the past. I'm just so glad that I view it all differently now and make different and better choices because I've realised that being slim tastes better than anything I could have had today.

:-) Magda

SHOW DAY TOMORROW

My son is off school tomorrow as its a pupil free day for the Royal Adelaide Show. So I've decided to take a leave day and spend it with him. Given the option of whether he wanted to go to the show on the weekend with the family or tomorrow just with me, he chose tomorrow. So hi ho hi ho its off to the show we go.

Normally I love the show. I love to look at the alpacas (if only we had a bigger yard, we'd have a couple as pets. They rock!) and all baby animals. I love to watch the wool fashion parades and the car racing and the motor bike racing and stunts. I like checking out the cars (although normally the display is pretty poor) and walking around the stalls to check out anything of interest. And I LOVE THE FOOD. Hot cinnamon donuts, ice cream, waffle cones and a thousand other things are bound to tempt me.

Years ago, I refused to go to the show as I knew that a visit would see me consume an extra 2000 or so calories and my weight would spike by 2-3 kilos. But now I dont want to disappoint my son so here is my plan:

1. Train first thing in the morning. This is a bonus session but psychologically an important one for getting in the right headspace for the day.
2. Healthy breakfast of oats, bran and protein powder. Revisit goals, affirmations and reinforce both into brain.
3. Eat healthy snack before entering showgrounds so as not to arrive hungry. I'll warm up my brown rice, cabbage and spicy chilli tuna and take it with me.
4. I've made a spicy chicken salad for my lunch and I'll take this in my oversized bag (no cooler bag needed in Adelaide weather tomorrow). Lord give me strength to stay true to my goals.
5. I'll have a Slim Secrets bar with me in case I need an afternoon snack. If I've resisted the junk til then, I'll treat myself to a skim cappuccino with my SS bar.
6. Tomorrow night I'll enjoy 1 or 2 glasses of red wine with my husband at dinner time. We missed this last weekend.

So thats my plan. Remember the saying"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail". Well I aint falling into that trap. Wish me luck guys and hope I'm posting next time with a good report card and not a "could have done much better".

Cheers

Magda

WHO'S THE CRAZY ONE?

This morning's 40 minute jog turned into a 46 minute jog. I really struggled and just couldnt get into the zone for ages but I kept plodding and plodding refusing to look at the time only to be disappointed by how little progress I'd made.

I reckon it was only after the 30 minute mark that I started to feel good and then felt quite good for the last 10 minutes. Still refusing to look at the time, I decided to change my route slightly from last week's mid week jog and lapped around the oval on the outer rather than the inner shorter route. Then it was the short stretch home but still jogging around a large island in a nearby street and then maximising the short distance back home. As I reached my drive way and the dawn had started to light up the day I looked at the time. 6.02am. I had jogged for 46 minutes. I was hot. I was tired. But I felt fantastic.

99.9% of people think I'm crazy, loony, obsessed, a freak to get up at 5am and exercise on most week days. I think they're crazy not to. What else can make you feel so good at that time of day? Oops there is one thing. The awesomely healthy breakfast I have after (oats, bran and protein powder - simple but delicious).

Magda

TWO MONTH ANNIVERSARY

I love the start of spring and I’m sure I’m not alone there. Even though the weather in Adelaide today doesn’t resemble spring just yet, the fact that its OFFICIALLY spring is uplifting in itself.

Today I celebrate my second month anniversary of being binge-free. Like I’ve said before, words cannot describe how great I feel about this. Being freed from the shackles of this soul-destroying behaviour (not to mention its also hips, thighs and waist-line destroying too) means I can progress to the leaner physique that I have wanted for so long. And that is definitely where I’m headed. Oh to finally drag out some of my slim clothes and wear them again with pride and a sense of achievement.

My training is on fire lately. I skipped my day off on Friday and did a bonus cardio session in the evening while hubbie was out with his best mate. On Saturday I increased my power walk to 60 minutes. It was a beautiful morning and I loved being up early and getting my cardio done. Sunday’s session was chest and back and then a jog, which is a long session. I’m always really buggered by the end of that one. Yesterday I managed 2 decent sessions with high intensity legs in the morning and then abs and a rower session in the evening. I just didn’t feel like sitting around after dinner and my son’s bedtime so I put the time to better use.

I’m going hard until we have our weekend in Melbourne where I’ll get a couple of days rest and a break from my usual nutrition plan. But right now there are 17 days to go and I want to make the most of each one.

Cheers all

Magda