THIS BLOG IS CLOSED TIL FURTHER NOTICE

Tomorrow we leave for our holiday to Singapore. Then its the All Females in Melbourne so I'll be away for some time.

Last night we had our friends over for a BBQ following a girlie get-together in the afternoon. As I started on my ??th glass of wine, realising that yet again I had eaten too much crappy food, a great sense of sadness came over me. I felt awful both physically and emotionally yet I continued to pretend that everything was great and that I was really happy. I dont want to continue on this way.

When I return I'll be starting a new journey. One of recovering my physical self to a level that I'm happy with. One of finding true happiness that comes from honouring yourself with positive thoughts and actions. One of believing that you can achieve the goals that mean so much to you and claiming the right to do so.

Farewell for now.

Magda

(LACK OF) PASSION

Tonight I read Kek's post about passion and it dawned on me that right now I have a serious LACK of passion. I have drifted through the first half of 2009 ... well I actually feel like I've crawled over broken glass sometimes ....and not made any inroads on the goals that I set at the start of the year. For instance here is what I've cut and pasted from my "Goal Post" done in early Jan.

My first goal is to to get my weight down to 60-62kgs and I want to achieve this in 12 weeks which will be very close to my wedding anniversary: Bombed out on this one.

A week later I'm off for a girls only weekend to Sydney. My girlfriends are both quite slim and this year and I dont want to be the fat-girl-out: Bombed out here too.

I long to be happy in my skin and generally happy with how I look. I want to enjoy good healthy food and the occassional treat and I want to feel good - happy, relaxed and not always fretting that I need to lose weight - over and over again: Yep still longing for all this.

..... my next goal of maintenance: This one has me laughing. I'm so far off the "m" word that its not even a flickering light in the distance.

To compete or not to compete that is the question: Not any more. The issue is more like "how do you expect to run when you cant even walk properly?" This is on the backburner for now.

..... to overhaul my wardrobe ....... Its my goal to ditch everything that is unflattering, unsuitable, dated, cheap and ready for donating to charity and then slowly replace with quality items: Yes but not at this size and shape. Cant stand the thought. Wont even entertain it.

Finally if there was one thing that I wanted for 2009 it would be BALANCE: And I still want it but havent found it yet.

So I sit here nearing the half way mark for 2009 and realise that when push came to shove, my efforts to achieve my goals fell by the roadside and I'm still where I was when I started. A classic case of lack of passion = lack of progress, I think.

I'm not sure that I can can just turn the passion fire on but I can start to take small steps towards achieving my goals in the second half of the year. Perhaps I'll look at it like this:

I spent the first six months learning that certain beliefs, actions and attitudes did not result in the changes that I wanted so now its time to do it differently. And I'll approach this with some excitement and determination and let the passion follow.

:-) Magda

DREAMING .... from Kristy's blog

If I had all the money in the world I would use it to my advantage to be more involved in my son’s life.

By me not working he could sleep til 7.30 each day and not be woken up at 6.40. I could take him straight to school and not drop him off at Before School Care. I’d get more involved with school activities. I’d volunteer to listen to children read, I’d help out on school excursions, I’d get to know the other mums better and keep abreast of all that happens in and around school. I’d love to be the class rep.

At the end of the day I’d pick him up from school and have the luxury of really listening to the details about his day, instead of hearing bits and pieces several hours later.

Selfishly I’d train after school drop off and not at 5am. What a luxury that’d be.

So as you can see for me money would buy time. Time that could be put to much better use by making my family and me happier.

I wont even start on the material things as they rate a distant second to the above.

M

ROUND 2 WITH THE SP

Today I had my second visit to my Sports Psyche (SP). Funnily enough, because I’ve been so busy with work, I had decided to cancel it but ironically it was because I was so busy that I didn’t get around to making the call. Then last night I found myself in a situation that confirmed how important it was that I make that meeting today, no matter what. Down the track I might share what it was but I cant just yet.

So today’s session was a real eye-opener. It took a while for me to get on the same wavelength that she was on because I just couldn’t see things that way but slowly step by step I got there and went WOW (not a good WOW but a light bulb moment WOW). I can now see why I repeat my binging behaviour over and over and it was a bit in-your-face I must admit. I can also see why I just wasn’t able to work it out myself. I needed somebody to take me through it step by painful step, ask pertinent questions, question my thoughts and feelings and put it all together to get where I always take myself. Then it was the deconstruct process (that needs more work but the seed has been planted) that we tackled and I finally felt I had an understanding of it all and hope that I would learn to manage this in future. I havent had that feeling before so this is PRETTY BIG for me.

So my "home-work " is to recognise my negative thoughts around eating and write them all down. We identified some today but I'm sure there are more lurking in different situations. My SP also made some interesting statements about what my triggers actaully are. And they ARENT the most obvious things that spring to mind. Hence another WOW moment and more thinking about it all and moving towards an answer.

But the thing that impressed me the most is that she has prepared a plan for what we need to do over the course of our sessions. Yes its all there in black and white and I can refer to it anytime and track our/my progress.

I dont want to get too smug too soon but I cant help that I finally feel good about this and can see some positive changes happening in the future.

:-) Magda

THE WINTER SOLSTICE

I love the winter solstice (not sure of its exact date this year but always around the 21 June). I love the thought that from now every day will be a bit longer than the one before and that summer is heading our way. Its like "hump day" and that feeling of getting to the other side. So what did you do on the winter solstice?

Today I focussed on two things and I forsaked all others.

1. Preparing our house for sale. Now this would have to be one of the worst jobs in the world. De-cluttering is like a bottomless pit. No matter how much you put away or throw out there is more around the corner and you turn your back and what you've already done, just mutliplies back. I skipped training today but managed a half decent upper body workout just scrubbing anything and everything in the quest for "sparkling clean". I'm well and truly over it but the job is far from done.

2. Playing with my son. We had a ball playing a make-believe game that we do regularly. Then it was a couple of board games before heading to our local shops. He rode his scooter and I walked (lifestyle cardio??) and we went to the local cafe (yum skim cappuccino time) and then stopped at the playground on the way back. The weather was beautiful and it was great to be out.

We have one week before we're on holidays and off to Singapore on the 30th. Counting down the sleeps now.

Cheers all

Magda

WHAT REALLY MATTERS TO YOU

After a massively crappy week with way too much work, late nights working, missed training and some crappy eating days thrown in, I thought I'd unwind with the following D & Ms.

What do you really want deep down inside?

To love and be loved. To find inner peace and balance. To not die wondering "what if".

What matters to you, in the big picture?

Family. My son growing into an independent adult and finding his "happy place" in life. My husband and I continuing our partnership. Loving each other, laughing together, and being the yin and the yang.

What do you want to stand for?

Being caring, understanding and loyal. Commitment and perseverance.

What do you want to do with your brief time on this planet?

Wow. Considering that next month I'm well into "middle age" I better get a move on and start making my dreams a reality.:
1. Raise my son to be independent, socially capable, confident, balanced and happy.
2. Grow old with my husband.
3. Promote happiness and harmony in my extended family.
4. Then there's some material stuff which is personal and not for sharing now.

Who do you look up to?

This will surprise people. I love my mum very much but I live my life very different to hers so I dont really look up to her.

Professionally: My husband. My Director.

Intellectually: My friend at work Miss J.

In the health/fitness area: Shelley (love the postive attitude), Liz (is there anyone who knows their stuff better??), Tara (has anybody come so far and has so much potential to go so much further??) there are more ....

Who inspires you?

My friend Kerry right here in Adelaide.

What personal strengths or qualities do they have that you admire?

Determination. Not afraid of hard work. A can-do attitude. Supportive. Ambitious. Focussed. And a down right lovely person to boot.

If you achieved your goal, then what would you do?

Material goals (not listed): celebrate and then regroup to work out "what next". Personal goals (listed): I'd die happy.

How would your life be different as a result?

It probably wouldnt be a lot different, if at all.

How would you change?

Perhaps I'd have a different outlook on things, maybe a different feeling about myself and what I believed about myself.

What would you do differently from there onwards?

Maybe I'd aim higher. Maybe I'd just be happy with what I had achieved. Maybe I dont really know cause its such an "unknown".

And on that note its time to log off and get some shut eye.

G'night all

M

SPEED POSTING

Just finished work.

Very tired.

The day started good but ended sh*tty.

Binge Monster was trying his hardest again but he was out of luck. Mojo and I conquered all today.

Could post heaps more but sleep is more important.

G'night

M

THE RETURN OF MY MOJO

A funny thing happened yesterday. There was a knock at my door so I went to have a look at who was there. Lo and behold, but what do I discover?

Me: OMG you're back. Where have you been? I've missed you and I cant live my life without you.

Mojo: Yeah yeah you say that all the time but when I'm around you dont treat me how I like to be treated. You always find a way to make me feel useless. I always try to help you but too often you just dont listen.

Me: I'm sorry. Its just that I .....erm, you know I just .......errr. Yeah there's no excuse. I should trust in you and honour you like you deserve.

Mojo: You know if you did that and stuck to it even when the going got tough, we could make such a great team and together we could achieve so much.

Me: You think so?

Mojo: I know so. Why dont you give it a try? You've got nothing to lose. Lets not waste any more time trying to be perfect, beating yourself up if you werent perfect and making poor choices when you know you deserve better.

Me: OK now I'm outta here as there is cardio and prehab work waiting to be done, followed by a healthy breakfast.

So yesterday was quite a good day. A drank heaps of water / herbal tea. I ate enough veges. I had no alcohol. I ate mindfully and whilst I did have a couple of small treats, I savoured them instead of stuffing them down in 2 seconds so I could go trolling for more.

On the other hand, today was a totally shitty day and I was in a foul mood, upset, weepy and beating myself up over totally different stuff. Seeing me weak and vulnerable my Binge Monster decided to sweep in for the kill and all day he nagged and nagged about how I should eat more crap cause it'll make me feel better. But luckily today I had Mojo on my side and she talked him down every time. Thats one for me and my Mojo and the Binge Monster scored a big fat zero.

Amen

:-) Magda

CELEBRATION TIME

Today as I arrived at the pool for my son's swimming lesson the real estate agent rang to say that our offer had been accepted. We have purchased the block of land that forms part of Plan B and its all systems go.

My best friend Miss E visited this afternoon and our boys had a play together and we caught up on this stuff that she knew nothing about. A bottle of Trilogy champagne was opened and consumed in the name of "celebrating this significant first step in the next exciting phase of our lives." Even WH had a glass with us. To say that I'm happy and excited is such an understatement :-)

From-Fat-To-Fit-And-Fabulous has started rolling along albeit very slowly. Not aiming to achieve anything groundbreaking before the Singapore holiday just making sure that everything is in place for when I get back. I'm treating the next 4 weeks as time to plan and prepare not just physically but emotionally too. Geez I'm beside myself having 2 such big things to be excited about. Lucky me!!

:-) M

AND MORE ON PLAN B

Today I faxed off our offer for the land.

Then the sales rep from our prospective builder rang to tell me that he'd made a mistake on our house estimate. A mistake of underquoting by $28,000.

WH was NOT HAPPY!!!!!!

I still think its a great package but some of our higher hopes and expectations have just been cut down a size or two. This property business is an emotional rollercoaster and I'm already exhausted. Maybe if I had something to celebrate I'd feel better.

M

On a happier note, I've put my new From-Fat-To-Fit-And-Fabulous mission into action. Now THATS positive and exciting :-)

PLAN B UPDATE

Over the last wek or 2 we've had 2 different sales people pricing up 2 different houses on 2 different blocks of land. Plan B (to me) was the preference with less hassles and therefore less cost (albeit Plan C had the slightly better address). Plan C is proving to be really problematic which will translate into lots of exta cost and very little return for your money.

How appropriate then that today we got the house estimate for Plan B and it was considerably lower than what WH had calculated. In fact it was so attractive that Plan B was lifted to Plan B+ status and over a bottle of wine tonight (is there any other way??!! LOL) we made the decision to put an offer to the vendors of the land in our Plan B. I'll be faxing it off to the agent tomorrow morning and then we'll wait and see how desperate the vendors are for the sale (they are in the USA on a work transfer).

Fingers crossed that we get the land and that in a few short months (note my level of optimism here) our dream home will be under construction. To say that I'm excited yet again, is an understatement. We might not have our dream address but we'll do everything we can to make this house our best ever (BTW it'll be our 6th home, not counting rentals).

My health and fitness plan is still in the making and I'm getting quite excited about it but have some more work to do on it.

Cheers all

Magda

A SENSE OF CALM

....has come over me. Its really odd. For the last 4 days I've been feeling awful. Food was my comfort except that its a false pleasure. A few minutes of enjoyment followed by madly craving more and more as though its a drug you just cant get enough of. Not to mention the many glasses of wine consumed in the name of sociability/stress relief/"a good meal deserves a good wine" and just downright enjoyment. Not good for the waist-line nor for fat loss so that pleasure comes at a price.

So whats different today?

Last night as I lay in bed unable to get to sleep (due to 2 great sleep-ins on the weekend) I thought about all the things that arent working for me right now - the physical, the mental (thinking) and the emotional (feeling) stuff. There was quite a bit there and I started looking at ways to address some of the issues. Thats when I made a decision about my next course of action and its left me feeling positive and with hope in my heart. I have some time to work through it before we do our Singapore holiday and then I'm hoping to kick it off when we return. That may even be when I'm in Melbourne for the All Females. Deep down I've known this is the way for me to go but I've just been loathe to admit it. Now I'm embracing this option as I believe its right for me.

Stay tuned folks.

PS We are seeing the agent about the Plan B block of land early this week so here's hoping we're in with a chance and its not snatched from under our noses.

M

AND NOW FOR PLAN B

....... on the home front. Plan A is dead and buried. We wont have our "ultimate avenue address" and whilst I'm still sad about it, I know I must move on. So after many long discussions over several glasses of wine (is there any other way??) WH and I have agreed on our plan B on the homefront. (There is a Plan C as well but we're both apprehensive about the cost and the house in Plan C doesnt work as well as the house in Plan B).

Its taken us a while to agree on Plan B. The block is bigger than that in Plan C. The house works better and we think there will be better value for money. So whats the problem you ask? Plan B actually has us moving back to the suburb we lived in before we moved to Brisbane. Its a nice suburb and I liked living there but the resale on our house was bit disappointing and when we bought where we are now (which sort is the same area that Plan C is in), it was certainly more expensive. This shouldnt matter as our next house MUST be long-term but you always worry that you'll sink a lot of money into that bit of dirt and bricks and mortar and it'd be nice know that you'll get it back in the event of a move.

OK enough analysing that nobody is really interested in anyway. I've called the agent about said block in Plan B. He hasnt returned my call so I'll be calling again tomorrow. We talked to him on Saturday and we're ready to take it to the next stage. In the meantime two different builders are costing up two entirely different houses on two different blocks of land for us. Fingers crossed that Plan B wins on value for money and fingers crossed that we get a hold of the agent and get the ball rolling to make an offer.

Is it any wonder that I feel so highly strung and stressed to the eyeballs?

M

TIME TO TURN THE "NEGATIVE NELLY" SWITCH OFF

A big thank you to all the lovely and kind ladies who left comments on my last down in the ditch post. Each and every comment struck a chord in my heart and made me feel a little better and certainly not so alone in my struggles. Some even brought a tear to my eye and reminded me how selfish I was to not take the time to congratulate others on their achievements and successes (GO KERRY!!!!).

Its scary to acknowledge that I clearly am my own worst enemy. For too long my lifestyle has been ruled by self sabotaging thoughts and behaviours. Through various thoughts and actions, I set myself up to fail and then when the inevitable happens I make sure I blow it out of all proportions so I can really beat myself up over it and then wallow in my misery and self-pity, reinforcing how hopeless I am. This has hit home lately and I'll be taking these words of wisdom to the SP with me in a weeks time (I think I'll even email them before my next apppointment). Man, have we got some work ahead of us!!

For now I've decided to give the diet shit a rest. For one week I will NOT do any of the following:

1. Trawl through my bookshelves, resources, internet etc looking for the "perfect diet /program".
2. Weigh every morsel that I eat so I can log it with 100% accuracy on CalKing.
3. Analyse and re-analyse my food so that my marco-nutriet ratios are just right.
4. Eat as though there is no tomorrow. Instead follow 3 easy steps: 1. Engage brain. 2. Open mouth. 3. Feed only until satisfied.
5. Whinge and moan on my blog.

I will replace these behaviours by doing the following things:

1. Focus on eating for good health and enjoying the foods I like in moderation.
2. Drink more water/herbal tea.
3. Take some of my training back to basics and only do what I enjoy. Its not about 100% effort now, its about consistency and just doing it.
4. Turn the "Negative Nelly" switch off and be positive ... even if I have to fake it til I make it.

Thank God tomorrow is a holiday. I had a great sleep in this morning (at least I'm not sleep deprived) but its bed time now so I'll bid farewell.

Magda

PERMISSION TO EXIT NOW

Yesterday the BM claimed victory. Being home with a sick child, yet faced with a heap of work that HAD to be done and being housebound (which meant no cappuccino or the fruit toast I so desperately wanted for breakfast) meant there were way too many trips to the pantry throughout the day. At least I'll have something to report back to the SP from which we can work on (was there ever any question about this??)

I have come to the realisation just recently that I've truly lost my motivation for all things health and fitness related. Although I have managed an hour of training both yesterday and today, getting going was a huge mental battle. Today's session (shoulders + ss cardio on the exercise bike) was quite good and in the main yesterday's was too (back / chest supersetted + ss cardio on the rower) but am I giving 100%? Not even close. What about 80%. Nope. Its more like 70 -75%. I tell myself "something is better than nothing" (thanks Kek) to make myself feel better.

Diet .... well what can I say? Sick of it all. Over it all. Just fed up with it all. Good days followed by bad days over and over again. I know you shouldnt dwell on the negatives / failures but when they're staring at you no matter which way you turn, its hard to look past them. Boy is my head in a crappy place right now and I'm sounding like a total misery guts. Permission to exit now if this negativity pisses you off.

Does anyone else go through the repeated torment of what to eat, when to eat it, how much to have etc etc? I have SO much information about 1000s of different ways to get lean / lose fat / be slimmer / be more toned/muscly etc that my head feels like it'll explode from information overload. No joke, during an average week, I'll drag out 2 or 3 of those 1000 different plans and analyse them to the nth degree (again) looking for "the perfect solution". I'm driving myself crazy.

So there it all is. My honest feelings right now. I could have deleted tonight's post (I hate it coz its so negative) but I've decided to blog it, warts and all. Some of my thoughts arent sensible or rational but hey, its where I'm at right now so I wont pretend otherwise. Cant wait to see my SP again next week. I'm counting down the days.

M

DEALING WITH THE DISAPPOINTMENT

I'd be lying if I said I was ok today. What has "saved me" is a combination of being very busy at work, enjoying a lovely lunch with my friend and work colleague Miss J and focussing on my June goal of clocking up a BFM (Binge Free Month).

I headed off to work earlier than usual today. BS has a virus of some sort and WH took the day off to stay home with him. (Its my turn tomorrow). Going a million miles an hour made the day go very quickly and I even got to enjoy 2 cafe meetings and have my favourite skim cappuccinos. Miss J and I usually have lunch together on Thursdays. Today's catch up was great as it let me get some of the sadness off my chest and we chatted about my future comp prep plans and about her life as the wife of a surgeon. She has some interesting tales to tell!

After lunch I knew I was at geat risk of losing a round to the Binge Monster as my usual negative thoughts started creeping in. A quick refocus on my goals and some stern reminders about how incorrect those thoughts were, managed to keep me on track. Anyway, what did I have to complain about? I'd allowed myself the lunch of my choice (salt and pepper squid with a small serve of chips and salad) so I was hardly deprived. I held it together and was very pleased with my efforts.

So my plan this week has been to eat mainly lean and clean but by no means to aim for "perfection". Sometimes this approach works better to keep the Binge Monster at bay but the trade off is that weight / fat loss doesnt necessarily happen (and right now I want a few kilos off). So I'm weighing up the alternatives:

1. Go "hard core" on a "diet", drop some kilos before we go to Singapore but risk a blow out binge OR
2. Maintain the status quo, go to Singapore feeling fat and frumpy but maybe win the BM war this month.

Geez its like grim and grimmer :-(

M

NOT HAPPY JAN!!!!!! :-(

Its over. I'll reveal all now.

2 weeks ago we spotted a property for sale at a time when we had decided we were going to sell up and build new. (I wont bore you with all the details around why but I'll just say that its taken us years to come to this decision).

This property was awesome. Its in the general area where we live now and the area I grew up in. Its the most beautiful tree lined avenue with a wide median strip that has lots of beautiful full grown trees. The location is about 6kms from the city which is perfect for us as we both work in the CBD. Houses in this street .... sorry, "avenue" are beautiful with a mix of well maintained old houses and quite a few new ones, some of them VERY grand and expensive. Every time we'd drive down this avenue we'd dream about living on it and it always impressed us. It was our ultimate dream.

So here is a property for sale in "our avenue". Its on a big block of land (800m2+) and the house is a wreck (demolition job) which is just what we want. After analysing our finances to the nth degree WH says we can offer X. I immediately decide that we'll offer X + $10K as it has to be our best offer. We delay our offer to await finance approval and in the meantime circumstances allow us to add another $10K. I'm so excited as I truly believe we have a good chance of getting it and I'm well on the way to planning my new life at my dream address. Offers closed yesterday at 2pm and I almost expected a call last night.

It didnt eventuate but the agent rang today to advise that the trustees had accepted another offer. My dream address has gone to somebody else. I'm so sad and so disappointed. This is NOT how its meant to be.

Binge Monster was whispering in my ear that some junk food would make me feel better but I whispered back "FUCK OFF" and hit the computer to do some work. I couldnt control the outcome of that property sale but I can control how I react to it and how I manage my feelings around it.

Cheers

Magda

SPORTS PSYCHE - SECRET UPDATE

I've had a busy few days. Mum's birthday was a lot of fun and Sunday's dinner, while not my best effort to date, was still really nice. The lamb shanks were a hit, yet again and the tiramisu turned out better than expected. Nobody complained about the food.

Monday was taken up with various meetings, phone calls and then my first appointment with the sports psyche. I like her. Whilst I did most of the talking in this sesssion, she was very down to earth and we had a few good laughs together as well. I poured out my life story (in brief) focussing on the particluar challenges I've had over the last 2 or so years. She was able to quickly identify where I was going wrong in my thoughts, behaviours and choices but I'm also doing some CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to give us something specific to work with. Her question about "what do I see when I look in the mirror" was a very interesting one that I found quite hard to answer, especially as she was posing it from the physical perspective. When I did eventually respond, she said that my body image was "reasonably realistic" so I took some comfort in that. My next appointment is in 2 weeks time but my goal is NOT have any instances that we can analyse through CBT. (I'm to record situations, thoughts and outcomes when I am faced with an urge to binge and when I give in). I'm aiming to make June 2009 my BFM (Binge Free Month).

On my "secret issue" I'm pretty sure that all will be revealed tomorrow which is well before the 9th June deadline I mentioned previously. Things have moved along faster than first anticipated and this has been much easier to deal with. I hate things dragging out forever. If I want something, you can be rest assured that I WANT IT NOW. So tomorrow is THE DAY.

So I'm off to bed as soon as I log off. I've had a horrid headache for 2 days and I'm hoping that a good sleep will relieve it. If not, I'll be suffering through another mega busy day at work. But who knows I might be celebrating tomorrow night, or I might be crying into my chicken and green veg.

Stay tuned.

M