Monday, January 25, 2010


This is a difrficult post to write. I've approached my computer several times, stared at the screen, thought of a dozen different opening lines, only to walk away having typed nothing. I suspect the post itself will take all evening as I stop and start it or maybe it'll all come out in one fowl swoop.

Yes folks its time for one of those "honest posts" where writing it is as much therapy in helping me sort it out as it is "coming clean". So here goes with all the stuff going around in my head as I try to make sense of the last few days.

I need to lead into this by saying that my life is wonderful. I have been truly internally happy for some months since giving away the diet mentality and taking responsibility for my food choices and behaviours. On a physical level, I have a loving and happy family, I love where I live, I cant complain about work, I have everything I need and just about everything I want. I have little to stress over and I no longer feel inadequate or like I'm a failure. Mentally I had found my happy place and was at peace with myself. My new found passion for running just seemed to ice my cake, ready for the eating.

So what on earth has happened over the last few days? My mojo is seriously AWOL. And in its place is this annoying creature who must be the Binge Monster's little bitch sister. Man I just cant get enough crappy food into me lately and this is so not like me now.

Dinner out last Wednesday wasnt a problem but seeemd to trigger the run of pretty poor efforts that followed. I wont bore you with gory details but man there have been some poor choices both in food selected and behaviours around eating. So whilst I'm not beating myself up over it (wasted time and energy), I'm srtruggling to understand why.

Is it because my goal to do the half marathon would be better achieved if I was a few kilos lighter and therefore I've set myself a weight loss goal? Well I doubt it as when I decided to stop dieting I still had a goal to lose a few more kilos and I went on to do that without a set diet plan. I just trusted myself to eat right and the weight slowly came off.

Is it because I have restricted my eating and therefore am suffering the rebound effects that come in the form of binges? Hardly. If anything I've been more relaxed with my eating and for a week or so was having considerably more carbs than usual until I was set straight by Kerith (see 2 posts ago).

Maybe I relaxed things too much and then found it hard to get back to my norm? Possibly.

Maybe the long runs and high intensity training sessions are making me hungrier? Maybe, but fueling with junk isnt the answer.

Maybe I've just lost sight of my beliefs and values? I feel they're there but right now they arent clearly visible hence I'm a bit of a lost soul myself. Maybe I need to reconnect with what I believe and remind myself of the decision I made in September last year about how I want to live my life.

Finally I wonder if maybe I got too complacent and forgot that the behaviours I now use to manage my health and fitness lifestyle need to be consciously practiced every day? Hmm there may just be something in that.

On the training front my passion for running is unquestionable. When its a run scheduled in my training program I'm happy and I look forward to it. But anything else is struggling to get a gurnsey. Upper body weight training .... neglected since last Monday. Core strengthening..... I keep saying I'll do it and it never happens. Now I need someone to seriously kick my arse to get those sorted out and all will be good.

Well there it is, warts and all as I always blog the good, the bad and the ugly. I reckon I need to have a serious think about all of this tonight and hopefully put myself back in my happy place, where I'm in control, where I believe in myself and where I look after myself in the best possible way.

Thanks for listening (if you made it this far).




Anonymous said...

You are in good company, my dear. There are about 5 billion of our sort on this planet. The label? "Human"

Kristy said...

Not sure what to say Magda as I am going through the same thing, and asking myself similar questions. The way I am trying to get myself back on track is by actually waiting until I am hungry to eat. Seems simple, but I don't do it very often it seems.

That's fantastic that your running is going so well. I am struggling with that as well, but made myself head out for a 35min run this morning and feel better for it.


Pip said...

Hi Magda,

Awww, bummer, I hate those mindsets, they are tough to blow off!

Maybe at a sub-concious level you are looking at people looking much less fit than you and least I'm probably fitter/leaner than them which can trigger the urge for a treat/temporary pleasure which can seem a short term easier solution for instant pleasure than busting your arse getting uncomfy and sweaty and ignoring urge to eat junk! Then the disappointment/slump seems harder to let go of as we know!

I guess we are all human, - as much as it doesn't appeal I guess just getting in and doing the training the sooner the better is a good idea. A battle sometimes though!

All the best! I REALLY didn't wanna expend energy and bike a hilly 12km to a training location for an hour run session after work, being busy on feet all day and an early start. Home, feet up and wine appealed more along with cheese, crackers etc. I went to training, although quite the mental battle to get there and it ended up being a great session and I was pleased I went.

Pip :-)

Gillian said...

I know where you are coming from. I find the more I run the more I'm looking for those sugar and fat fixes.
Personally, I find what works best for me is seeing a sports dietician who says what I need to be eating for each meal to get the right amount of protein, carbs etc,and I just stick to it. Otherwise I feel I am being too waffly with my eating and can't keep track of what is being consumed.

Magda said...

Kate I'm having a bit of a giggle at the "human" label although I can see some bad old behaviours taking hold again and just dont want to be lapsing back there.

Hey Kristy, on one hand I'm giving you advice and then on the other I'm stuffing around myself. Not walking the talk as I'd like.

Maybe Pip or maybe I need to find a different motivation or form of exercise for upper body and core that I do enjoy.

Thanks Gillian. I'll work out the best balance for me I'm sure. It may just take a little while to sort out.

Cheers all