In my last post I mentioned that WH and I would be talking about goals over the last weekend and we did talk about where we wanted to live, what sort of cars we wanted to drive, what we wanted for our BS, future travel ... all the typical materialsitic stuff. Then he asked me what my personal goals were and I (feeling all happy and positive because I'd actually made some positive decisions recently) went into my spiel about what I wanted to achieve in competing.
Thats when it all turned ugly.
I wasnt getting a very positive, encouraging, supportive reaction like one would expect from their nearest and dearest. So going into it further (and somewhat disbelievingly) I questioned whether he thought I could do it, whether he believed in me? And the answer was a firm and definitive "NO".
Well I was shattered. Some of the things said were very hurtful and critical and felt like a stinging slap in the face. I spent the rest of the evening going over and over everything that was said (none of it good!!) and crying.
Sunday was a day of little conversation in our house. I was still hurting badly, crying frequently and going over it all again in my head. But the difference with Sunday was that I came to realise some (more) unpleasant things:
- Every hurtful thing my WH said was TRUE.
- I've done NOTHING in the first 6 months of this year to move me towards reaching my goals.
- I've said I'm going to do X and then I do Y. When I'm doing Y I'm dreaming about X but avoiding it.
- Nearly all of my choices/actions this year have been either destructive, the easy option, self-sabotaging or just downright WRONG if I indeed want to achieve the things I've set my heart on.
So after crying what seemed like a river of tears and realising what I'd become and how I was perceived by those closest and most important to me, I DECIDED TO TOUGHEN UP. It was like a fire being lit inside of me and my thought pattern changed from "woe is me, I'm hurt and upset, poor me" to "I'll show him. I will NOT take the easy option. I'll do the hard yards. I'll achieve what I've set my heart on."
The switch has been flicked.
Footnote: In case you're all thinking that I'm married to a heartless bastard LOL I can say a definite I'M NOT!! Its just that my husband doesnt pussy foot around. He calls it as he sees it. He will never falsely give a compliment if he feels its not due just to make me feel better. But when its earned he will be there lavishing praise and singing my praises. What happened on the weekend was like his version of "tough love" (you know that Craig Harper type but times it by 10 and dont hold back). It was probably long overdue.
I'm OK now. The wounds have healed on the surface. But I need the scars to remind me where I've come from and where I dont want to go back to. Oh and I have a new training partner ...... yep my WH has agreed to be my spotter so I can lift heavier and take another step closer to my goal.