REFLECTION AND INTROSPECTION

Its been 10 days since I slipped into another battle with the BM (Binge Monster) and found the bastard scoring hits day after day. Going back to my horse riding analogy, I took a major fall and I fell hard this time. I was battered and bruised emotionally and picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting back on with a sense of resolve to try again was so much harder than I thought it'd be.

I cant remember a time when I felt so bad. I had phsysical pain from my SIJ. I was an emotional wreck trying to come to terms with another binging episode. I worried continually that I may not be able to run again and what that would mean for my fitness and my personal well being. I was angry with myself and sorry for myself at the same time. I was depressed and the tears flowed at the wierdest of times. My inner turmoil had ruled out any sense of balance and reason that I had worked so hard to create. I WAS IN A BAD PLACE.

But today I woke up with a sense of calm back over me and a feeling deep down that I'd be ok. I hadnt felt that up to now no matter how hard I faked it. Today I was hopeful and positive and I'm looking ahead with optimism again.

So why have I written about this tonight?

As I restart my journey to the life that I ultimately want, I never want to forget where I came from. Sometimes you have to hold some pain in your heart to keep you moving towards your goals. Sometimes its that pain which will drive you forward when you are at risk of slipping back.

The big news in Adelaide today was that Andrew McLeod was retiring from his AFL career.

McLeod, 34, yesterday closed his glorious AFL career with a club record 340 games - and the reality his battered right knee cannot carry him through an AFL game, not even for a farewell clash on Saturday against St Kilda at AAMI Stadium.


"I never thought it would, but the old knee got me at the end," said McLeod,..... The Advertiser today. 

I dont know how many of the 340 games were played with a bad knee but I do know that its his spirit and his determination that I admire so much. Did he bow out, lie down and give up because he had a bad knee? No bloody way. He got it fixed and he played on. I may have a few years on him (LOL) but I too can do whatever it takes to keep me running and to slay that fucken BM once and forever.
 
Good night.
 
M