NEW BLOG BREWING

Hi all,

well with spring about to kick off tomorrow and some significant developments over the last week or so I have decided to launch my new blog. I did defect over to Wordpress but frankly I havent got the time to learn a new program and then set up something fancy shmancy. So for now I'm staying with trutsy old Blogger but am changing the focus of my writings.

I have a busy couple of evenings coming up but hope to start it in the next few days so as they say .... WATCH THIS SPACE.

Cheers all

Magda

REFLECTION AND INTROSPECTION

Its been 10 days since I slipped into another battle with the BM (Binge Monster) and found the bastard scoring hits day after day. Going back to my horse riding analogy, I took a major fall and I fell hard this time. I was battered and bruised emotionally and picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting back on with a sense of resolve to try again was so much harder than I thought it'd be.

I cant remember a time when I felt so bad. I had phsysical pain from my SIJ. I was an emotional wreck trying to come to terms with another binging episode. I worried continually that I may not be able to run again and what that would mean for my fitness and my personal well being. I was angry with myself and sorry for myself at the same time. I was depressed and the tears flowed at the wierdest of times. My inner turmoil had ruled out any sense of balance and reason that I had worked so hard to create. I WAS IN A BAD PLACE.

But today I woke up with a sense of calm back over me and a feeling deep down that I'd be ok. I hadnt felt that up to now no matter how hard I faked it. Today I was hopeful and positive and I'm looking ahead with optimism again.

So why have I written about this tonight?

As I restart my journey to the life that I ultimately want, I never want to forget where I came from. Sometimes you have to hold some pain in your heart to keep you moving towards your goals. Sometimes its that pain which will drive you forward when you are at risk of slipping back.

The big news in Adelaide today was that Andrew McLeod was retiring from his AFL career.

McLeod, 34, yesterday closed his glorious AFL career with a club record 340 games - and the reality his battered right knee cannot carry him through an AFL game, not even for a farewell clash on Saturday against St Kilda at AAMI Stadium.


"I never thought it would, but the old knee got me at the end," said McLeod,..... The Advertiser today. 

I dont know how many of the 340 games were played with a bad knee but I do know that its his spirit and his determination that I admire so much. Did he bow out, lie down and give up because he had a bad knee? No bloody way. He got it fixed and he played on. I may have a few years on him (LOL) but I too can do whatever it takes to keep me running and to slay that fucken BM once and forever.
 
Good night.
 
M

GLASS HALF EMPTY

Sad to say that today has been a glass half empty day. Have stayed true to my resolve to ditch the sugary foods though and didnt seek comfort or answers through mindlessly stuffing junk down my throat. Thats one consolation.

Bring on a better day tomorrow.

INCHING ALONG THE RECOVERY ROAD

...... and feeling ok. Not stressing about making perfect choices with diet. Just focussing on eating when hungry and not over-eating.Things will be ok and I know that in a few days I'll be eating better still. Its just a natural progression that when I eat well, I tend to want to eat well more and more.

Last night I checked out this site and found myself reading broadly about stuff that I suspected all along and that Liz and other bloggers have written about recently. I hopped onto eBay to see if I could get myself a copy without paying the full price (cheapskate that I am LOL). Well lucky me picked up the Quit Plan for a nice little price :-) (Yes Kek I'm a bit of a self help book junky - but view this one as educational rather than just "Oh you should live your life like XXX.") I cant wait to get it and read up some more on the nasty sugar issue.

However in the meantime I'm back on the sugar free wagon even turning down cheesecake and white gold mudcake (both favourites) that were offered at my God Son's birthday today. Honestly didnt really fancy them so saying no wasnt painful. I truly believe that if you take ownership of your decision to eat XX or not eat YY then why would there be pain with that decision and subsequent actions? (Comment taken from Liz's blog folks). I know that this has been the foundation of my diet over the last year and its one I'm really comfortable with. As long as I'm making the choices about what I eat and dont eat then I dont feel restricted, deprived or stressed over what I'm allowed or not allowed.

My SIJ is settling down now and the pain thru my glutes and legs is minimal. I had a massage today and I think Mr F (the legendary masseur) went a bit easier on me after I described what I've been thru in the last week. Nevertheless a few spots were excruciatingly painful so I certainly got my money's worth LOL.

So Day 2 done and dusted and I'm off for an early night very soon.

:-) M

FINAL WORDS ON THIS ISSUE

Friday has finally come around and its time to let go of all the disappointment, depression and despair of the last week. My SIJ pain has eased a little and hopefully after a few days back on the anti inflams it'll be gone. In the meantime I'm consciously putting a smile back on my face and not wallowing in my self pity any longer.

Its been a really tough time though and I've had many moments where I've been enveloped in negative thoughts and emotions. Perhaps I should just have let it all out thru a big cry LOL. There have been so many times when I've wanted to talk about whats bothering me but I cant do it - not with people close to me anyway.

But like I said the pity party must come to an end. Its time to get off the ground, hop back onto the horse and give the riding another go with some more lessons under my belt and the determination to get it right.

M

VENTING SOME MORE AND THE MEDICINE THAT TASTES THE WORST IS THE BEST FOR US

A big thank you to Kek, Kristy and Gillian who commented on my last post and who echoed some of my feelings on this matter.

If there is one thing I absolutely admire, its the more mature woman who does not accept that aging means "oh I must take it easy now." This, in my opinion, is utter and total crap. Its an easy cop out if you want to justify laziness and apathy. Sure there are times when your body will tell you to ease off (temporarily) and you should listen to it but giving up on exercise all together is just WRONG. I do concede that as we get older, the bits we use more wear out faster but that just means we need to be smarter about what we do and how we do it.

But back to the age thing..... Kek, I'll be right behind you ready to give that dumbass their second slap if indeed they try on those pathetic lines.

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” George Bernard Shaw

I know deep down that my current condition has been partly caused by my own actions. A lack of taking proper care of myself and my body sends me loud and clear messages that what I've done just wont cut it and now I'm paying for those mistakes. Whether you believe whats written here or here I know from personal experience that when I eat the junk foods described in those articles I usually end up suffering in a number of different ways. Its just taken me a while to make the connection and acknowledge the significance of it.

Gillian in answer to your question: I have a really good chiro who practices pain management and treatment and he is bloody good at it. He does not want to see you 3 times a week for the first 4 weeks, then down to twice a week for the next 6 weeks and then .... you get my drift. (Chiros that base their practice on those principles are a rip off, IMO.) If I have a problem I want it fixed and I dont want it to take 20 visits. Fortunately my chiro can do that.

So when I was in really bad pain in late June, I decided in my (lack of) wisdom that this wasnt a matter for my chiro and I saw a sports doctor instead. I was diagnosed with an inflamed sacro iliac (which was probabaly correct). I wasnt treated in any way other than to be given anti inflammatories and told to rest for 2 weeks. Needless to say, yesterday my chiro suggested to me that was a cop out diagnosis and asked what was done to fix the problem. Well nothing actually so he scored a point right there.

He then treated my back thru an adjustment (not the most pleasant sensation but I'm learning to work with him to make it all less painful) and he spent several minutes releasing over tight muscles in my hips, outer thighs and inner thighs. OMG I dropped the "F Bomb" a number of times and he reminded me that muscles should not feel like rocks (like mine did.).

It was one of the most painful treatments I've had but today the pain is easing slowly and I know that I'll be ok. So I've been reminded that when something has proven to work effectively before (my chioro's ability to fix my back pain) then I should trust him when pain rears its ugly head in future. The sports doctor cost me a small fortune and did virtually nothing to fix the problem (anti inflams and rest will always help but they are not a long term fix).

I still want to have a postural assessment and be given specific exercises to address my SIJ problem but his advice was get into yoga (or Pilates) and stretch, stretch, stretch. Oh and dont wait 8 months between chiro treatments if I have back (or related) pain.

These last few days have really made an impression on me and driven home some tough lessons that are like a bitter pill to swallow. But then we all know that its the medicine that tastes the worst thats the best for us.

:-) (almost) Magda

BEWARE! VENTING

I'm sure there is no irony or coincidence attached to the fact that when one's diet is less than optimal and negative emotions are rife, the physical self will accordingly go into decline.

Once again I'm battling sharp pains thru my glutes and adductors and to a lesser degree my abductors, hamstrings and lower back. In a nutshell, my lower body feels fucked. The pain came on again on Sunday or Monday and by yesterday afternoon I could hardly sit for any length of time as the shooting and stabbing pains were relentless.

I had made an appopintment to see a physio but that was for Monday and I couldnt wait that long. In desperation I rang and got an appointment with my chiro today. A very interesting appointment followed but this is not about what he said and what I learned from him today.

This is about me feeling angry and depressed that my body lets me down and stuffs up my dreams and plans of running another HM. I hate feeling incapacitated, unable to do the things I love. I hate being in pain and wondering if I can indeed run the distances that I want to run. I'm angry that I'm in this predicament. I'm not that old and I just cant accept that my body wants to bail out on me. I'm depressed about it all and fed up.

Worse still is that none of my friends understand what this means to me. In their eyes, I'm wierd because I choose to be active. I'm the strange one that gets up at 5am when nobody could possibly do that. Sometimes I want to yell back at them "guys whats the alternative?? to never exercise, to be overweight or obese, to have no strength or fitness?" Wow that sounds like a great life.

This is not how I want to be and I will NOT accept that "oh I'm a bit older now so I cant expect to do ....". My chiro gave me some good advice today. It was simple. It  reminded me of what I've always known and done but had recently neglected. And it reminded me that when you're on a good thing, stick to it. Dont go looking for better (or different) because you may just end up with worse.

So now that I've got all that off my chest I'll get on with what I know I must do. Things will get better. The pain will go away and if I manage things better I may even avoid it in future (fingers crossed). I want at least one more go at the Greenbelt Half but this body has to work with me and not against me.

Now breathe and go to bed.

Magda

THE HORSE RIDING ANALOGY

When things go pair shaped as they have for me lately, it'd be so easy to just stay off blogger and maintain a false sense of everything going great. But I hardly ever do that as I find being honest and open about my difficulties does help me in the long run. It may also help others who experience similar challenges. Who knows??

I'm so lucky to have a  friend who I can talk to about this because its certainly not something that I'd share with Peter or my other circle of friends. So my friend contacted me last night and we had a nice email chat which always prompts me to think about things in more depth or from a different perspective. I believe that the more I understand and become aware of my thoughts and subsequent actions, the better placed I'll be to manage those negative behaviours.

Today I see things a lot differently with less drama and emotion attached. I liken my journey to learning to ride a horse. Pre a year ago I knew very little about horse riding. I'd hop on and without any skills or experience I'd soon be falling off and then repeating the same mistakes over and over again. It was obvious that I need horse riding lessons.

So I found out about the lessons and enrolled myself and got some really good tuition. I started to practice horse riding again and slowly I got better at it. I was developing skills and getting experience under my belt plus my confidence was increasing. This was much better than just winging it without lessons.

But every now and then the horse throws me off and I lie on the ground feeling battered, bruised and deflated. Eventually I pick myself up, dust myself off and give it another go.

My conversation last night brought me to a point where I wondered if deep, deep down I still dont see myself as a horse rider. After 30+ years of not knowing how to ride a horse its hard to change my perception of myself. Maybe it comes down to a lack of belief in myself, in my ability to change???

I guess it comes back to a key message that Matii (my SP) gave me in our last session together: "Whether you believe you can or believe you cant, you're right." Perhaps its time to start believing that I can.

And finally I was at a management training session yesterday and the presenter shared this with the group: Instead of 'thinking' into a new way of 'behaving', try 'behaving' into a new way of 'thinking'.

More on this later. If you're still reading, thanks for listening.

:-) M

WHEN THE WHEELS FALL OFF ....

...... and the train is derailed and heading for "Station Two Giant Steps Backwards", I'm left wondering why this happens to me over and over again.

Is the desire to change an intermitent process like turning a tap on and off? How can it be so strong one day and then like the flick of a switch, its turned off. Maybe not that instantly but like a game of dominos when one comes down, we all know that most will follow. We seem to be so easily drawn in to the easy option of throwing our hands in the air and declaring it all to be too hard.

A wise person once wrote (and no I'm not linking to them) : Dont let your minor slip-ups become the beginning of the end. Great advice!! So why dont we listen to it, follow it and know that we'll be ok again. Do we have to hit rock bottom before we can begin to bounce back up? It takes a mighty strong person to stop their own free fall and claw their way back up. I just dont feel that strong right now. There is emotion to deal with. Disappointment to handle and put into perspective. Some more soul searching and maybe a healthy dose of "harden the fuck up princess."

There may have been an evolution happening over the last year or so but at times like this I feel there is so much further to go and I wonder how I'll get myself there.

M

NO PERFECT TRAINING PLAN YET

Time is flying by this week and its really wearing me out. I went to the theatre on Tuesday night  and the very late night threw me all out of whack. I didnt run on Wednesday morning figuring that after 4 days of running each day, the rest would do me good anyway. I ran this morning and cracked the 50 minutes as I was up before my alarm. Apart from a minor knee incident near the end of my run, all was good.

I have yet to establish my perfect training plan due to our physical set up. I have ideas floating around in my head but until a number of things are finished around our house, I cant implement anything. Sometimes I feel like I'm treading water. So for now its running and prehabs until I look further into pilates for my dicky SIJ. The hunt is on for a good physio who can posturally assess and prescribe a pilates (or similar) plan to address my weaknesses.

So bedtime has come around and its time to sign off and gear down. Tomorrow is a no-alarm day for us which is such a luxury these days. If I'm lucky I'll sleep just past 6am LOL.

M

SUGAR FREE FOR SEVENTEEN

Sitting through a less than exciting seminar today, it occurred to me that I'm now up to 17 days of being sugar free. Well maybe not totally 100% free because I do still enjoy a skim cappuccino on most days and use soy milk occassionally (both have small amounts of sugar in them) but thats about it for my (added) sugar consumption.

If I have oats for breakfast I soak a small amount of sultanas with the oats and bran and they provide just enough sweetness to not require extra. I've converted to non fat Greek yogurt which is delicious with thawed blueberries. I usually have a piece of fruit in the afternoon as well.

All of this makes a huge improvement on my previous habits and after reading some pretty scary stuff about what sugar does to the human system (its aging, it promotes fat storage, it can cause mood swings and a heap of other nasty feelings and reactions) I'm happy to reduce my consumption quite drastically.

But I stil have times where I want a sugary treat like today having survived (just!!) a really tough afternoon at work. But I knew it was a psychological thing of wanting a treat rather than a physical need to ingest sugar. The craving came and the craving went and I proved that not every craving has to result in that food being consumed and in what would likely be ridiculous quantities.

At this point I really want to make it to 21 days (that'll be Sunday) and then I'll reassess whether I choose to stay sugar free or not. I do admit that I'm liking how good I feel.

M

HAPPY 900TH

This is my 900th post to this blog. I started it on 1 December 2006 on the eve of starting my comp prep for a September 2007 show. I’ve re-read my first post and with the benefit of hindsight I now realise how skewed and wrong my thinking was. There I was gearing up to compete in the hope that the diet and training would fix my yoyo dieting and emotional eating. All I wanted was to make it to the stage and be lean and toned and oh so proud of how I looked.

Who would have predicted the tumultuous journey that I went through to get there? But I was determined to see my goal through and in all of the ups and downs (and there were LOTS of downs) I always kept going no matter how tough it was. I have a couple of medals as evidence of my hard work and steely determination and my training room has a large framed print of me on comp day with my medals also included in the frame. No matter what happened after, I’m still incredibly proud of what I achieved and have no regrets about doing it.

So what did happen after? In a nutshell I had two years of trying to come to terms with the post comp weight gain, deciding I’d compete again, dieting again, losing control and over-eating again. This cycle was repeated ad infinitum. I tried everything to get my control back and get my weight to a happy place. But the pattern was set and I just couldn’t break out of it. I was in a downward spiral and didn’t know how to reset the direction I was travelling in. Man they were a tough couple of years.

So finally about a year ago I sought professional help and found a great Sports Psychologist who I clicked with and very quickly I was on the road to recovery. (Well there was a lot more to it than that but it really did happen easily once I understood the psychology behind my thoughts and actions). Soon after I made one of the most important and significant decisions of my life: I decided that I would never diet again.


From there on I began a journey of trusting my instincts to know what and how much to eat in order to maintain my weight and lose a little more. I also allowed myself to gravitate towards exercise I enjoy rather than slavishly following what I thought I should be doing. Hence the runner in me emerged and my passion for it grew and grew over the following months. I was determined to run a half marathon in under 2 hours 30 minutes and I achieved my goal in April of this year.

It hasn’t all been an easy ride or a bed of roses over the last year. Many times I’ve reached out for help from fellow bloggers but in the end I realise that all of my answers are within me. When I stray off course (and I certainly have on many occasions) I can refocus by asking myself who I want to be and how I want to live my life. The answers steer me back in the right direction.


I can honestly say that my life is in a happy place and I’m happy within my skin, calmer and more accepting of me and all my faults. I make mistakes and I forgive myself. I go with the flow and stress less. I trust myself to know what is right for me and what is best for me. I will not be told what and how much to eat by anybody any more no matter how much I respect them in their professional roles. When I need help and support with my running training, I turn to the professionals. If I have a goal, I pursue it with passion.


So who knows where my next 900 posts will take me? I have no big plans or goals for the second half of this year but am working on getting a few kilos off so that I feel better, look better and run better. Its not a painful or depressing process this time. I’d like to change the direction and focus of my blog as well but need a decent time commitment to make that happen. Who knows, maybe I’ll make that my goal for my 1000th post.


Cheers all

Magda

I AM RUNNER HEAR ME ROAR

Its taken a while but I'm now back running (well jogging really) consistently. On Saturday I limited myself to 30 minutes which was perfect as  I didnt have much time anyway. All good with the 30 minutes :-)

On Sunday I wanted to go for longer. I'd been to my friend's birthday celebration the night before and whilst I certainly didnt go overborad, I did indulge in some nibbles and a few well spaced out and sipped slowly wines. I knew that burning off a few of those calories would be welcomed.

I set out planning to run for 30 minutes and then walk fast for another 30. So off I went and felt particularly good. As it got close to 30 minutes I decided to push it out to 35 - I mean whats 5 extra minutes anyway. Once I convinced myself of that it didnt take long to aim for 40 minutes. All this was spurred on by that euphoric feeling you get when you hit your "running zone". I experienced it many times when training for the HM and even during the race and this is the first time I've experienced it since then. ITS SUCH A GREAT FEELING!!

So Sundays' run turned out to be 45 minutes and I just felt so good both physically and mentally. I added a 15 minute walk for the perfect finish. It was during that session that I was reminded just how much I love running. If I ever had lost my way and had doubts about who I was and what I was happy doing, Sunday morning made it all clear to me again. It even made me more determined to commit to my prehab exercises regularly just so that my body functioned well for running.

Yep I was out there again this morning managing 40 minutes and feeling really happy with that too.

I'm not planning any races or events til next year but I know that many a kilometere will be covered til then just because I want to do it for enjoyment - oh and burning a few calories never hurt either.

THE CORPORATE CUP WRAP UP

Yesterday was a big test for me. I signed up for the Corporate Cup challenge in the spirit of team work with my colleagues and having run a HM recently it was sort of expected of me. Plus I was happy to step up to the plate and run with my colleague and friend Miss R.


We are registered for a 4.5km run which we do once a fortnight and you gain points for improving your time. It was an awful wet and cold day yesterday so the thought of running in it was oh so NOT appealing. Plus with my inflamed SIJ my training has really taken a backward progression. I admit, this made me nervous as well as running with somebody (I always train alone) who may be quite a bit faster than me.
 OK so we managed the 4.5kms in a smidge under 32 minutes purposely taking a couple of short walk breaks so as not to do our best run first up. Remember its about improving over a course of 8 runs. What I found depressing though was my really high heart rate from what should have been a light and easy jog. Then to rub salt into the wound, my recovery time was in the vicinity of 20 minutes. Eegads this is very poor form and I commented to Miss R that I’m certainly not HM material now.

The funny thing is that all morning I kept telling myself that if I was going to run in the cold and the rain then I would reward myself with a toasted foccacia or some take away pasta for lunch. After all I deserved it and the salad I had with me just didn’t look appealing. Well after finishing the run and feeling very warm and toasty back in my office, the salad actually looked ok so I ate it with relish (that’s enjoyment not a food product) but then found myself in hungry, hungry hippo land for the rest of the day.


Scrounging for food, I devoured an extra serve of almonds and resisted the salt and vinegar chips from the charity box. Dinner was very welcome and devoured with gusto. Then as I was getting ready for bed last night I looked at my stomach and was absolutely convinced that I had put some of my weight back on. I just felt FAT.


Well how wrong I was as I weighed in ½ kilo lighter this morning. So the run must have torched some serious calories and the elevated heart rate probably added to it. Well worth it all in the end, me thinks.


And as for not being HM material now, I have one thing to say: The only way is up baby and that’s where I’m heading.

JULY - IN A NUTSHELL

Wow its time for another monthly review and report. (It sounds a bit like an exam result LOL). I’m gonna put it out there honest with warts and all.


I started the month with my weight already having crept up a bit and knowing that there would be heaps of socialising and eating out to challenge me in keeping it under check. I set myself a mini goal of finishing the month at the weight I started it at.


I didn’t achieve this goal. My weight is up by a few kilos and its not just a bit of temporary bloat as I’ve already addressed that.


In July my approach to mindful eating pretty much went out the window and I indulged in what I call overly relaxed eating where its sort of whatever I feel like and if it tastes good then I tend to eat too much of it. I ate out HEAPS and subsequently drank lots of wine and had more than my fair share of sweet treats. So it was no wonder that the kilos crept on – or rather jumped on. At one stage I could almost hear my fat cells have the welcome party. LOL


Training wise I had a set back that added to my weight gain. I had a forced two weeks off from all lower body work to allow my inflamed SIJ to heal. So more food + less walking/running = fatter Magda. There are no surprises or rocket science in that.

My headspace has been good though. I may not have the eating down pat just yet (it’s a work in progress) but mentally I handle things much better and I’m proud that I’ve changed my thinking around in this regard. Yes I did over-eat but I didn’t beat myself up, or get depressed, or cry “victim” or feel ashamed about it. At the end of the day it was more like “well that was fantastically yummy and indulgent but now its time to rein it in and shed these kilos”.



So recently I’ve cranked up the mindful eating and am making choices that will support my goal of losing 3kgs in 4 weeks (this being week 2). I’m not following a “diet” as such but trust my instincts around the foods I choose to eat. Treats aren’t banished but kept very much in moderation. I’ve reacquainted myself with feeling hungry (before meals) and its not a bad feeling at all. Running is back in my training schedule but I’m easing into it so as not to fall into the trap of too much too soon.


I can smell success and I deserve it. Whilst I like myself no matter what and I wont let the extra kilos bring me down, I know that taking this action is the right thing to do. Its about long term health, happiness and living true to my values. Oh and I admit, I’m vain.

M

DAY 8 SUGAR FREE

Today marks day 8 without sugar - bar the sprinkle of chocolate on my cappuccinos. Its been easier than I thought and I didn’t even set out to go totally sugar free. It sort of morphed into that just through consciously choosing to eat better. I must admit that I’m feeling pretty good.







The weekend was all good with no major slides off the rails. Wine and nibbles kept in moderation. Food all pretty good. Enjoyed a fabulous spaghetti marinara out locally on Saturday night. I say fabulous because it was loaded with good quality seafood and the ratio of seafood to spaghetti was excellent. Nothing worse than a marinara where it’s a plateful of pasta and a few bits of scrappy seafood stirred through. Oh and it was loaded with garlic so I should have excellent immunity against any potential colds or flus.






I have now introduced jogging back into my morning walks. On Saturday I did my trusty 1 song walk / 1 song jog routine which is a great way to build up my running fitness again. There are still some aches around my SIJ area and I’ve gone back onto the anti-inflams (not sure how long I was meant to take them for – any advice on this would be appreciated) to keep it in check. This morning I had no aches and I hope this becomes the norm. I’m running in the Corporate Cup for work so I don’t want to be battling SIJ pain.






So tracking like this I should be well on the way to my mini goal of 3 kgs off over 4 weeks, with week 1 down. Gotta love it when you start the week feeling so good and so positive :-)