CHAPTER 2: BEING MY OWN SP

Chapter 2 in my quest to be my own SP follows. Like I said last night, its been a bit of an eye-opener.

Since deciding and then publicly declaring that I'd run a half marathon this year, I've been stressed in various ways. Firstly it was to do with my eating - enough carbs? too many carbs? am I eating carbs at the right time? You name it, I was stressing about it. But it went deeper than that and yesterday I managed to get to the root of it.

I asked myself what I was really feeling and what was causing me concern. Here are my answers, straight from my heart.

Exhilirated. Passionate. Determined. Quietly confident that I'll do it in a reasonable time. But what if I fail? What if I put back so much weight that running becomes a huge struggle and I end up hating it again?

Then it was time to look at what I could do about it.

1. Complete all my training as prescribed by Pat Carroll. Listen and take on board all his advice. Believe that I will succeed and I will.
2. The weight issue is totally within my control (not in the literal sense). I've learnt how to manage it. I've been doing it successfully for months. I understand me and my issues (or if I dont, I know how to work them out) so I just need to "let it happen". It will be and it will be right.

The final issue is the most significant one, I believe. In my January round-up post I publicly declared that I needed to lose weight  again. I placed an expectation on myself to once again lose weight. And with that came all the sublimal negative messages that spiralled me into my negative state on Monday and Tuesday.

Now what I'm about to say wont ring true for  many people. I understand that many would disagree and live by a different philosophy but this is about me and what works for me and what doesnt.

In asking myself how I honestly felt these are the feelings that came to the surface:

"Oh no, back on the diet merry-go-round again", "I'm not good enough", "I'll be a slave to the Metal Monster", "I shouldnt eat x, y, z and just have lots of lean protein with green veges." "I'm terrified of just losing all control, losing my mind, losing my belief in myself and ending up fat and miserable again".

Wow it was all pretty confronting. But then I assessed what I could do about it and a sense of calm came back over me.

1. Remove the expectation. I DO NOT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. Reinforce this daily.
2. Remind myself that I AM NOT BACK ON A DIET. I eat what I want, when I'm hungry. I stop when I'm full because then next time I'm hungry I will enjoy yummy food again.
3. Accept and love me as I am now. Feel good about myself - positivity breeds positivity.
4. Ignore the Metal Monster. Weigh monthly if I want to. Do not give it (MM) the power to make me feel bad.
5. Remember my commitment to myself that my focus is to nurture and take the best possible care of myself.
6. Believe in myself that I can do this and I'll succeed at managing my weight, my emotions and my expectations.

Weight loss goals do not work for me. The pressure to achieve a certain number by a certain day is almost guaranteed to send me spiralling in the opposite direction. It places me in a negative mindframe. I do not excel under that sort of pressure. Its quite destructive for me as it puts me firmly back on the diet / binge merry-go-round and once you're back there it so hard to break free.

Last year I broke free and this week I almost went right back to that mentality and depressing way of life. I'm so glad that I woke up to myself when I did. You see, you can be your own analyst or SP.

Today we had a morning tea for Miss J my beautuful friend who's leaving our workplace. We followed this up with lunch out. Had this happened on Monday or Tuesday I would have eaten to the point of gorging but I'm rebalanced and refocussed again. I'm back in my happy place and plan to stay here for a long time.

:-) M