A WORK IN PROGRESS

In my quest to stay on track and not let this rough patch be my downfall here is what I achieved today:

1. I trained on a scheduled day off. 30 minutes of 1 song walking / 1 song jogging and that was my 3rd EXTRA cardio session for the week.
2. Ate my oats, bran and protein powder for breakfast.
3. Skipped the skim cappuccino and had a long black instead.
4. Ate my chicken, brocolli, celery, continental parsley and Udo's oil for lunch.
5. Ate my low fat creamed cottage cheese with cinnamon and Splenda plus a pear for afternoon tea.
6. Drank green tea with ginger.

BUT here is where I fell down today and the reasons why:

1. Bought some spicy nuts on the way home (to share with Peter) and started eating them before I got home.
2. Had a free sample of a Cookie Man biscuit in DJs. (It was broken and free so surely those calories dont count).
3. Friday night wind-down and tonight I really wanted to indulge. Had some cheese, pate and biscuits with wine and then debated what dinner would be.
4. Settled on spinach and ricotta tortellini with various veges, ham and tomato based sauce with added evap skim milk (my attempt at a rose sauce without cream).
5. Finished off with home made Viennese biscuits.

Its been coming all week. I've been fixated on food and dreaming about what I wanted to eat. I had a crappy morning rushing from one meeting to the next with no time for food or even a herbal tea. After my 7am breakfast my next meal was around 12.30pm and I thought I was going to pass out by then. All afternoon all I could think of was what I wanted to eat.

So here is my brain dump about it all (cause where else can I get this all out??)

I want to be at my goal weight but I'm sick of dieting. Yeah you can call it a lifestyle but its a lifestyle geared towards weight/fat loss therefore its a diet (lets not bullshit around). Sometimes I just need time off to eat what I want and just be normal. Sometimes when I diet for weeks and am really focussed and on track there is this gradual build up and I start to crave a splurge/indulgence/cheat or whatever. I had one last Sunday so not sure why I felt this way so soon after. Is it because Melbourne is on my doorstep and I'm so close to my short-term goal that I'm scared. Scared that I wont achieve or scared that I will. Maybe self sabotage will keep me in my comfort zone? Maybe I'm just over all of this obsession with food, protein grams, cutting carbs, good carbs vs bad carbs etc etc. Aaaargh sometimes it does my head in.

At least I havent binged although today I came very very close and almost didnt care if I had. I needed / wanted to feel better and the only way I knew to achieve that was through food.

So although I've come a long way, as you can see I've got a long way to go. I think its called "a work in progress".

Good night all

Magda

THE BISCUIT IN PERSPECTIVE

As you know from yesterday's post things feel a little tough right now. I'm not talking disastrous, but I'm just not feeling as invincible as I have recently. And I've liked that "invincible" feeling as it leaves me believing that anything is possible and that I can achieve my goals. But Melbourne is drawing nearer (next Friday) and whilst I may well meet my goal to be in the 65s, I doubt if the size 11 jeans will fit. Typically the legs take an eternity to slim down and in 8 or so weeks I've barely scratched the surface.

But back to the title of this post. I didnt work today as I needed to drive my husband to and from a medical appointment for a minor surgery (he was having a small skin cancer removed). It was great to be off work but a change in routine is always challenging. So in the afternoon (he's feeling ok) we're out sorting some stuff for our new house and at one hour after eating lunch my stomach starts rumbling. (Goddamn I should have added some good fats to my meat and veges like I always do because I dont have starchy carbs then). And it doesnt stop as it really wants a (proper) feed. We finish early and have an hour to kill before we meet with our son's teacher for a PT interview so hubbie suggests we go for a coffee.

All sorts of thoughts are going through my mind by now and I cant wait to get there so I can have something to eat (bugger the fat loss goal). I order an almond finger biscuit and have that with a skim cappuccino. Its delicious, devine and just enough to take my hunger away. I'm happy, albeit mildly guilty. Then I spend the rest of the day analysing this decision and agonising over having eaten this (small) treat. I tell you, I'm driving myself crazy.

So I'm trying to put the biscuit into perspective. I was hungry and didnt have appropriate food with me as I usually do. The coffee shop didnt have much in the way of healthy options (there wasnt time to order a meal off the menu) so I chose a small treat and enjoyed it. I could have gone an enormous muffin or a fat laden carrot cake or cheesecake but I went small and modest. (I could also have gone hungry but that makes me very grumpy and short-tempered). So when I weigh all that up I guess the conclusion is .... BIG DEAL. I ate a biscuit. And on that note I'll agonise no more as the biscuit is now in perspective and the oats/bran are soaking for tomorrow's breakfast so that I dont end up having the fruit toast with lashings of butter that I keep dreaming about LOL

:-) Magda

MIDWEEK SLUMP

I was blown away by my increased strength and energy levels since Sunday’s breakfast and dinner. I had been eating pretty lean and clean for about 3 weeks and one obvious side effect for me is that my strength is far from its max and jogging is hard work as there just isn’t heaps of fuel in the tank.

So Monday night I went to do my shoulders and arms session (using supersets) and set my weights at last week’s levels knowing that it was a pretty tough workout. To my surprise all exercises seemed considerably easier and I increased my weights and they still weren’t hard, as such. By the end I had made some significant increases in weights just to get the max out of the session. I was pretty impressed with myself actually.

Yesterday morning I headed out for my 40 minute jog and again found a level of energy I just don’t usually have after really sticking to my nutrition plan. I ran the same route as last week’s mid week run and what took me 46 minutes last time, took 44 this time. It felt like I was going faster and the numbers proved it. Funnily enough this time I had good energy to start with and then got tired towards the end whereas previously I’d start slow and find it hard then as I neared the end I’d get a second wind and finish stronger than the start.

Today this is my third day of lean and clean eating and it feels like everything is back to normal and energy and strength are mediocre again LOL. It was fun while it lasted and its highlighted how different I can feel and how I can harness that extra strength and energy into some really effective training sessions in future.

Sadly I feel like I've hit a bit of a midweek slump. I've struggled with motivation for work both Monday and yesterday so today was crunch time as important jobs couldnt be put off any longer. My thoughts are constantly going to food and I'm having little dream sessions about what I want to eat. On the way back from a meeting today I passed our local Bakers Delight and thought back to all the previous times when I'd call in and indulge in a scone or a scroll or a pastry or sometimes ALL THREE. But I forced myself to keep eyes ahead and just keep walking. Or just out of the blue I'd think "mmmm I feel like pasta" when I wasnt even hungry. Has my quest to lose my excess body fat made me totally obsessed with food and eating? I'm sure there's a logical reason for my illogical thoughts but I just cant see it right now.

So tonight I took the best tonic I could think of and knocked out a training session including ab work and my home cardio routine. Feeling better now but have room to feel much better still. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe its up to me to make it so.

Cheers all

Magda

FATHERS DAY

We had a lovely Fathers Day and I love this pic of me with Dad. We started the day with breakfast out at The Store. I had an omelette which wasnt my original intention but it was oh so yummy and I enjoyed every mouthful. Before we went out, I had prepared the lamb shanks and got them going in the slow cooker so they would be really tender by dinner time.

I spent the day playing with my son and pottering in the kitchen. On Saturday night I made a Mocha Log Cake for dessert and that just needed decorating on Sunday. Everyone said it was superb and I'll take their word for it as it was way too chocolatey for my liking.

My dinner turned out to be excellent. All the lamb fell off the bones and was extremely tasty served with the white bean puree, caramelised onions, gravy made from pan juices and steamed veges. The meal was very high in fat (lamb shanks are not lean even if well trimmed) but very yummy as a rare treat. (Inner Fat Girl was VERY happy last night LOL)

The family had a lovely evening but it was a very late night for me as I like to clean up properly before going to bed and that took longer than expected. Plus there were lunches to make and uniforms to iron. Aaah a mum's work is never done :-)

So with a bed time post 11.30 pm and a rising at 4.50 am (it was one hour power walk day today), I was zombie tired all day. Inner Fat Girl thought it'd be a good idea to keep feeding her today but my Voice of Reason drowned out her pitiful wailing. Just because I'm tired and its a cold drizzly morning and I have really bad Mondayitis doesnt mean that junk food will fix that. So it was a day on plan and will be an early night tonight.

Tomorrow will be a better day

:-) Magda

INNER FAT GIRL SCREAMING FOR A FEED

Today my Inner Fat Girl made a lot of noise. In fact she was SCREAMING for a feed and it took all my strength to not give in to her.

I've been doing really well with both my nutrition and my training. My headspace has been great and I've been focussed and consistent for about 3 solid weeks now. But I guess these times will always come along just to really test me, like they do for a lot of other bloggers too.

I wondered if it was because I was out of my usual routine today. I missed my favourite cardio session which is my powerwalk on a Saturday morning. I trained chest and back instead and then did (another) bike cardio which are becoming all too common and boring. Then my husband decides to change the lunch plans. We were having an open so we normally eat at our local cafe but as our open was later today, he wanted to eat lunch at home. This added another 30-40 minutes to my clean up time so I was a bit annoyed about that although I did enjoy the meal I made for myself.

We dropped our son to my SIL's place so he could help her make Viennese biscuits for my husband for Fathers Day (they are one of his favourites). When we got there they had a little table set up on their new deck and on it was a plate of cakes as they'd had a visitor. I made my way over to the deck and sat in the sunshine for a while, the whole time just drooling over the cakes. No joke, I felt like eating all 5 pieces.

When it was afternoon tea time, my husband had a buttered finger bun and I made myself a bowl of cheesecake flavoured yogurt with low fat creamed cottage cheese added to it. My husband peered over to my bowl with its unappetising looking contents and said "whats that?" So I explained and quickly told him that it tasted way better than it looked. I then went on to tell him that I was finding it very hard to eat on plan today and that I'd much rather be eating a Brumby's apricot scroll, toasted with lashings of butter. So instaed of making fun of me and my wierd food he lavished me with heaps of praise for staying strong and making good choices. When he poured himself a glass of wine a couple of hours later he didnt even ask if I wanted one. (I probably would have said yes tonight)

So I think after 3 weeks of my food being really really clean, its time to dirty it up a bit tomorrow. We're having breakfast at The Store in Melbourne Street but I'll choose a healthy option (probably eggs with rye toast) and I'll cash in a treat skim cappuccino. Then I'm making lamb shanks for Fathers Day dinner for us, my mum and dad and BIL and SIL. That'll be my relaxed/cheat meal and I cant wait.

So my Inner Fat Girl will get her feed but it'll be on my terms and not hers.

:-) Magda

GOOD REPORT CARD FROM SHOW DAY

Hi all,

yep Show Day was all good - apart from about 2 hours of hunger but I managed it ok. I packed lunch for my my son and myself and then bought him a cinnamon donut as a treat. Yes the lady who served me was quite amused as I'm sure nobody else bought just one donut. I did get hungry as we were sitting in the stands waiting for the cars and motorbikes to come on but I hung on knowing that we'd leave after that and I'd enjoy a skim cappuccino and a Slim Secrtets bar (as a meal) on the way home. And I sure did enjoy them. I savoured every mouthful with no guilt or regrets.

But I'm amazed at how much crap, is consumed by the public. On the walk to the entrance we were behind a group of teenage girls and they were already devouring an enormous bag of the coloured popcorn before they even got there. (Ick how gross). Then the boys who were tipping those sugary fizzes down their throats like water and guzzling Coke to wash them down. Man there'd be some rotting insides happening.

I can confirm that the obesity epidemic is alive and well and 99% of people I saw today were adding fule to the obsesity fire. There was barely a stand that sold anything even remotely healthy let alone clean - unless you went to the horticulture hall and bought fresh fuit or vegetables.

Anyways I dont want to get on my high horse because I too am less than perfect and have certainly eaten my fair share of junk in the past. I'm just so glad that I view it all differently now and make different and better choices because I've realised that being slim tastes better than anything I could have had today.

:-) Magda

SHOW DAY TOMORROW

My son is off school tomorrow as its a pupil free day for the Royal Adelaide Show. So I've decided to take a leave day and spend it with him. Given the option of whether he wanted to go to the show on the weekend with the family or tomorrow just with me, he chose tomorrow. So hi ho hi ho its off to the show we go.

Normally I love the show. I love to look at the alpacas (if only we had a bigger yard, we'd have a couple as pets. They rock!) and all baby animals. I love to watch the wool fashion parades and the car racing and the motor bike racing and stunts. I like checking out the cars (although normally the display is pretty poor) and walking around the stalls to check out anything of interest. And I LOVE THE FOOD. Hot cinnamon donuts, ice cream, waffle cones and a thousand other things are bound to tempt me.

Years ago, I refused to go to the show as I knew that a visit would see me consume an extra 2000 or so calories and my weight would spike by 2-3 kilos. But now I dont want to disappoint my son so here is my plan:

1. Train first thing in the morning. This is a bonus session but psychologically an important one for getting in the right headspace for the day.
2. Healthy breakfast of oats, bran and protein powder. Revisit goals, affirmations and reinforce both into brain.
3. Eat healthy snack before entering showgrounds so as not to arrive hungry. I'll warm up my brown rice, cabbage and spicy chilli tuna and take it with me.
4. I've made a spicy chicken salad for my lunch and I'll take this in my oversized bag (no cooler bag needed in Adelaide weather tomorrow). Lord give me strength to stay true to my goals.
5. I'll have a Slim Secrets bar with me in case I need an afternoon snack. If I've resisted the junk til then, I'll treat myself to a skim cappuccino with my SS bar.
6. Tomorrow night I'll enjoy 1 or 2 glasses of red wine with my husband at dinner time. We missed this last weekend.

So thats my plan. Remember the saying"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail". Well I aint falling into that trap. Wish me luck guys and hope I'm posting next time with a good report card and not a "could have done much better".

Cheers

Magda

WHO'S THE CRAZY ONE?

This morning's 40 minute jog turned into a 46 minute jog. I really struggled and just couldnt get into the zone for ages but I kept plodding and plodding refusing to look at the time only to be disappointed by how little progress I'd made.

I reckon it was only after the 30 minute mark that I started to feel good and then felt quite good for the last 10 minutes. Still refusing to look at the time, I decided to change my route slightly from last week's mid week jog and lapped around the oval on the outer rather than the inner shorter route. Then it was the short stretch home but still jogging around a large island in a nearby street and then maximising the short distance back home. As I reached my drive way and the dawn had started to light up the day I looked at the time. 6.02am. I had jogged for 46 minutes. I was hot. I was tired. But I felt fantastic.

99.9% of people think I'm crazy, loony, obsessed, a freak to get up at 5am and exercise on most week days. I think they're crazy not to. What else can make you feel so good at that time of day? Oops there is one thing. The awesomely healthy breakfast I have after (oats, bran and protein powder - simple but delicious).

Magda

TWO MONTH ANNIVERSARY

I love the start of spring and I’m sure I’m not alone there. Even though the weather in Adelaide today doesn’t resemble spring just yet, the fact that its OFFICIALLY spring is uplifting in itself.

Today I celebrate my second month anniversary of being binge-free. Like I’ve said before, words cannot describe how great I feel about this. Being freed from the shackles of this soul-destroying behaviour (not to mention its also hips, thighs and waist-line destroying too) means I can progress to the leaner physique that I have wanted for so long. And that is definitely where I’m headed. Oh to finally drag out some of my slim clothes and wear them again with pride and a sense of achievement.

My training is on fire lately. I skipped my day off on Friday and did a bonus cardio session in the evening while hubbie was out with his best mate. On Saturday I increased my power walk to 60 minutes. It was a beautiful morning and I loved being up early and getting my cardio done. Sunday’s session was chest and back and then a jog, which is a long session. I’m always really buggered by the end of that one. Yesterday I managed 2 decent sessions with high intensity legs in the morning and then abs and a rower session in the evening. I just didn’t feel like sitting around after dinner and my son’s bedtime so I put the time to better use.

I’m going hard until we have our weekend in Melbourne where I’ll get a couple of days rest and a break from my usual nutrition plan. But right now there are 17 days to go and I want to make the most of each one.

Cheers all

Magda

SLEEPY BULLSH*T MUSIC AND TOUGH WORKOUTS

What do you do your cardio to?

I couldn’t believe the sleepy bullsh*t my husband has on his iPod. On Sunday morning I do a weights session and I follow it up with a slow paced 40 minute jog. Now jogging is NOT my favourite form of cardio and I need all the help I can get to get me going and keep me going. So imagine my disappointment when my iPod died just as I was about to head out the door. Never fear, trusty husband to the rescue with the offer to take his iPod.

So he geared me up with it and off I set. Song 1 was a sleepy track and then there was an upbeat track, which perked me up a little. Then the next 30-35 minutes were all slow, sleepy songs. The first half of the jog was nice as I was travelling east with sunshine on my face but on the way back I had a headwind and was tackling a slightly uphill run. AAAAAARGH GIVE ME SOME UPBEAT MUSIC TO HELP ME GET THROUGH IT!!!! Just as I was about 5 minutes from home Robbie Williams came on with Rock DJ. Yay I picked up my pace a little and powered to the finish.

It was tough. It wasn’t necessarily enjoyable but I kept repeating my mantra / affirmation to myself to get me through. Walking was not an option.

Then I enjoyed the best reward by having an oats/bran/egg white/low fat creamed cottage cheese/cinnamon pancake with ½ banana, sugar free maple syrup and a sprinkle of LSA for breakfast. That alone made the run worthwhile :-)

This morning I did my high intensity leg workout and took the word “pain” to a new level. Its good pain though ….. I think LOL. Oh and I had my iPod back working again so at least the music was working with me and not against me. It makes a huge difference.

I’d love to hear other bloggers’ tips and tricks for getting through their tougher or less favourite workouts.

Cheers all

Magda

WHICH COOKIE DO YOU WANT?

Sometimes you just get on a roll. The planets align. The dominos fall in rhythm. Your sums add up and your steam train is powering on its way to Station: SUCCESS.

This is how I've been felling lately. Eating on plan is not a chore. Its what I want to do and I do it without any feelings of deprivation or semi starvation. I choose food that I love and I savour the taste. I eat regularly to keep my stomach happy and my mood level. I look forward to training, getting the most important sessions done early in the day. Whatever happens after that, it doesnt matter. If I'm too tired at the end of the day, I rest. If at the end of the day I can spend extra time with my son, thats time well spent and my training is not suffering. I'm getting closer to achieveing my short-term goal and I can almost taste it with 3 weeks to go.

Yesterday I was out and it was time for my weekly treat of a skim cappuccino. I used to have at least one every day, now I have one, maybe two just on weekends. I went into the coffee shop and ordered my usual "weak skim cappuccino" and handed over my rewards card. The assistant took it and said "do you want to use your free one?" which I hadnt noticed I was due for. So I said "yes" of course, thinking what a nice bonus it was to get a free coffee. Then the assistant said "which cookie do you want?" which I didnt hear clearly so I asked her to repeat it (I didnt realise my next reward was a coffee and a cookie). She did and my reply was ........
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"No thanks I dont want a cookie, just the coffee". And the sky didnt cave in and heaven didnt fall to earth.

THE END

Cheers all

Magda

HOW DID YOU SPEND YOUR FRIDAY NIGHT?

I got home from work and had a nice long cuddle with my beautiful son who thankfully is feeling much better.

I had an early dinner (nothing exciting - just green veges, roo mince cooked with mexican seasoning, a big handful of fresh continental parsley and some Udo's oil)

I made protein and oat pancakes for Saturday's breakfast.

I fed my son and then we cuddled some more (he is such a little smoocher - I just love it).

I drove my husband and his best mate to the local so they could have a boys' catch up.

I pottered around home until my son went to bed.

AND THEN I DID A BONUS CARDIO SESSION (the one I couldnt do last night).

And I dont feel deprived or hard done by at all. Its been a great evening and soon I'll toddle off and have a nice read in bed before zzzzzzing.

Cheers

Magda

CHOOSING SUCCESS

Today I'm home with my son who has a viral infection. It caught me a bit off guard as I had no work with me (I have every other day taken work home and not done it) and I got up at 5.15 to do my training. If I'd known I was going to be home I could have slept in and done the training anytime during the day. BUGGER!!

So I've had this strange feeling of time on my hands and not quite sure what to do. Its too early to clean the house for the weekend open. There isnt quite enough washing as yet. I couldnt go out anywhere. Its been rather odd.

So today I've been thinking about success and failure. I hate the word "failure" but its one way to describe lack of success so its my word of choice for this post.

In the past I can recall numerous failed attempts to lose body fat and gain a lean and toned physique. The failures happened almost bi-weekly or monthly at the least. Many would know what I mean, when you eat well for however long only to "fall off the wagon" and then "blow it all" and then just decide its all too hard, eat crap for however long before you pull it all together and repeat the cycle over and over.

This was my life and the life of others too from what I read in other blogs. But it changed recently and it changed for the better. Why? Because I decided that I didnt want to live my life that way any more. Yes I had had enough and I took steps to get help with my thoughts and behaviours because going it alone had not worked before. I've blogged about my sessions with my Sports Psyche and how they've turned my life around (I know that sounds corny but its true). After decades of binge eating I now think differently and act differently and I no longer binge :-)

But that is merely step one. I had to also want success.

When I started a new program to get me lean and toned I had a desire to lose about 10 kilos. It was a goal but on a scale of 1 - 10 how badly did I want it? About a 6. Not much hey?? On the outside I convinced myself that I was focussed and determined as I worked towards my goal, but was I really? Well a couple of weekends ago the writing was on the wall. Care factor for my goal had hit an all time low and progress was negative.

So what happened? Did I have a lightbulb moment where all of a sudden the motivation came back into full force? Did I revisit my goals and reaffirm their importance? Did I stumble across a secret ingredient that I had missed before, a new superfood or a new training method?

Well none of the above actually. When I felt really low and the motivation was still lacking I just took one small step at a time and made one small good choice after another. Nothing ground breaking. Nothing earth shattering. And it soon dawned on me that I did REALLY want to achieve my goal. My wanting it at level 6 had shot up to probably a 9. I found passion and I found drive and I was getting on with it and DOING IT.

So now I choose success. I look for ways to follow my eating plan even when the alternative looks so attractive. I plan out my training and allow some flexibility so I dont get caught at the end of the week with no time left but sessions still to complete. I practice my affirmations daily even if its for a few minutes before I fall asleep. And I picture the body I want and the life I want to live so that they are ingrained in my mind and can morph into reality.

So success can be yours. You start by wanting it, planning for it, taking action to achieve it, believing it will happen and accepting no less. Thats my philosophy.

Cheers all

Magda

PS I can feel a bonus cardio session coming on tonight as I'll have some more free time on my hands and all weight training is done and dusted.

SURRENDERING TO THE EVIL FORCES????

As I was walking to my car (parked on the other side of the city) after work today I went over the day's events in my mind and I realised that the BEST part of my day was when I was out jogging in the cold, dark morning at 5.15am. OMG what is becoming of me???!!

Yes work was somewhat on the crappy side again and meeting WH to go home together, he took one look at me and said "I can see you're tired". That'd be an affirmative, partner. I was washed out! At times like this there is a real temptation to order a large pizza with the lot some garlic bread to go with it , crack a nice bottle of Pepperjack and surrender to the evil forces (aka Inner Fat Girl, Inner Lazy Lucy and the Binge Monster).

But when we got home I got cracking in the kitchen and made pasta for hubbie (thank goodness for ready made agnolettis and bottled sauce) and cooked up a wokful of veges and added pre-prepared chicken for me. Then time is spent preparing lunches for the next day or I know I'll end up at the cafe ordering a massive toasted foccacia with chicken, cheese, avocado and not a vegetable in sight. Plus I get everything ready for my breakfast and soak my oats overnight so they cook really quickly in the morning. Yep all that prep takes quite a bit of time but its a case of "just do it".

So it was 8.15 when I put my workout gear on and knocked off my shoulders / arms training session with somewhat less than 100% enthusiasm. But I figure its better to do it regardless cause skipping it is worse. One training session tomorrow and then I'm done for the week.

Oh and just to add to my "woe is me post", today I have killer DOMS in my abs so now I'm covered from top (tris) to middle (abs) to the bottom (calves). YOWSER!!

Good night all

Magda

YADDA YADDA YADDA

My boss is away from work for 4 weeks so my normally busy schedule has been even busier. Its go, go, go from when I arrive til I leave but typically my stomach always reminds me of my 3 hourly feeds. Aaah they are such an enjoyable few minutes in my day.

Training today was a new abs program followed by a nifty little home cardio routine. I had to modify it a bit as 2 minute intervals between the bike and rower dont work because it takes about 30 seconds to change over and strap in properly for the row. So I did 2 minutes fast on the bike; change over to rower for 100 strokes then do a wide crossover step for 100 repeats on my crappy old Target brand step. It all worked a treat.

I feel like I'm getting leaner as my usual large size 10 pants are looser than normal. My nutrition has been pretty tight even over the weekend (well MUCH better than previously) and the training has been consistent and fairly intense. Oh and I have killer DOMS in my calves and my tris. Chest is a bit sore too but tris take the cake. I love getting DOMS as it always makes me feel like I've worked hard enough.

Well guys I'm hitting the sack early tonight and unless its pouring with rain at 5.15am tomorrow, I'll be heading out for a 40 minute jog. Am I crazy? Yep, I think so :-)

Cheers

Magda

STAYING STRONG AND TRUE

It was one of those days today.

Work was NOT good. Things looked pretty awful there for a while. My stomach was in knots and I was fretting about stuff.

Outside it was freezing cold and blustery. A true winter's day. I had to attend a meeting that was a 10 minute walk away and by the time I got there my feet were completely wet. I may as well have gone in thongs.

But this morning I smashed out a high intensity leg session and although it HURT it was AWESOME :-) So when my Inner Fat Girl started whispering about comfort food and how much better it'd make me feel, she was sent packing. I wasnt even close to giving in. Yes the plate of home made biscuits and cakes that was served at the wet-feet-meeting looked devine but I let the fat people eat them. I'm sure they dont want to be 3 kgs lighter in a little over 3 weeks time.

Here's to staying strong and true and ending the day on a high.

:-) Magda

UNLEASHING MY INNER ATHLETE

I have just started a new program which has me doing drop sets and super sets. I havent trained this way before (for any reasonable length of time) and I found it really challening and motivating. I did chest and back today and found msyelf working harder than when doing straight sets. It was great. Straight after the weights I headed out for my first continuous jog with no set walk breaks. My aim was to do 40 minutes because at a slow pace, I believed this was achievable.

So off I went and after about 5 minutes I was already starting to think about having a walk break. But I pushed myself on to the next intersection and then to the end of the shopping centre, then to the college, then the next street, next turn off, roundabout etc etc. You get the drift. I refused to check the time and I just kept going and going. When I arrived home I looked at the time and found I had jogged for 35 minutes so I added another lap around my block determined to make it to 40 minutes.

I dont know where my Inner Fat Girl and my Inner Lazy Lucy were this morning. Probably off having a private pity party. But this morning my Inner Athlete RULED and I was ON FIRE. Breakfast never tasted so good and my headset was spot on for the rest of the day.

Gotta love it when you slip into the zone and there's no stopping ya.

:-) Magda

FEELING GREAT

Hey guys I've had an awesome few days and I'm feeling great. Food has been really good even though lunch out with my SIL yesterday resulted in a chicken caeser salad (fatty dressing!!) as they had taken my favourite Meditteranean salad with cous cous and chicken off the menu. Not happy Jan but not stressing over it. I even managed a Friday night with one ... yes ONE glass of wine, NO nibbles and a 99% clean meal. My dearest other half was shocked at my level of restraint but did agree that last weekend I went somewhat overboard with the relaxed eating. (Thanks darling I know it too!!).

After my Friday sleep in and day off from training I'm really looking forward to my regular power walk on Saturday morning. Its one of my favourite exercise sessions as I head to our neighbouring suburb (where our new house will be) and walk around a couple of lakes and then back home. I love where we live and I love getting out in the fresh air, powering along, listening to my iPod shuffle. Aaaah bliss!!

My thoughts, feelings and disposition have been in a really positive place this week and my internal calmness and happiness have been consolidated further. Since I sorted out my binging issue I have felt a lot calmer and happy within myself and at times like this its driven home even further. I love my new life and I never want to let those destructive thoughts and habits take over again.

I've been on a fat loss mission for 6 weeks and I'd rate my progress as a C-. So my next challenge is to ramp things up a bit. I have a great nutrition plan that I like and that works well for me. My challenge is to stay true to it and true to myself. More "focus" and less "relaxing" will get me the results I want and I'm up for it.

Training is going to a new level so watch this space for my commentary .... if I survive to write about it LOL. On the one hand I'm quaking in my sneakers about it and on the other I'm really excited to see just what I'm capable of.

Headspace is where I'm going to dedicate more time as when I'm on a bit of a high as I am now I get all complacent about actively focussing on my goals. Then as the high starts to deflate so does my focus and determination and then its hello "wishy washy attitude". I have a plan to manage this better in future.

So this morning the MM rewarded my hard work with a beautiful 68.9 kgs and I was happy happy. Achieving sub 66 by 18 September (Melbourne trip with hubbie) is well within my reach AND I'M DOING IT.

Cheers all

Magda

MY ROLLERCOASTER RIDE

My goodness I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster since my last post.

I lost the plot somewhat last weekend (hanging head in shame). There was some relaxed eating followed by some relaxed drinking which then turned into an all out relaxed "I dont care if I dont lose weight right now" attitude. My I had some yummy food that just isnt on my eating plan right now so no wonder the Metal Monster was unkind on Monday morning.

But having confessed to all that I can proudly hold my head up high because I didnt resort to any binge eating, I didnt beat myself up over the poor choices I made and I actually stayed quite calm and balanced throughout the splurge. Previously I would slip into a major binge, then tell myself off in the worst negative way possible, put myself down because thats what I deserved and then wallow in misery and self pity all whilst dealing with emotions in total turmoil. I've come a long way and I will NEVER lose sight of that.

So on Monday I fought my feelings of "I just dont want to do this any more" and instead of thinking and analysing to the nth degree, I just did my training, ate my planned meals, skipped the treats and pushed my negative thoughts to the back of my mind. Chalked up a good day and my mood started to improve.

Tuesday came and my goal was to repeat Monday's effort but up the training to make up for missed training on the weekend. Despite a mini battle with my Inner Lazy Lucy who kept telling me that training twice a day was for obsessed nuts, I was on a mission to ensure that by the end of the week every one of my training sessions would be ticked off. Oh and I still wanted my Friday morning sleep in so that meant double training on 2 days. Yep Tuesday's goal achieved and I'm a mildly happy camper.

Welcome to Hump Day. Can the good behaviours be repeated? YES THEY CAN!! I have reorganised my entire training schedule and made it fit into the time I have. There is no scope for fluffing around and putting anything off. Just do it and do it well. There are more mini battles with Inner Lazy Lucy who's telling me that no normal person spends this much time preparing food and that it would be so much easier if I just had breakfast of a skim cappuccino and fruit toast on the way to work, a Bakers Delight scone with butter and another cappuccino for morning tea, a toasted foccaccia for lunch and dinner with my family (maybe lasagne or crumbed calamari). Yep these are all foods I love but they arent going to help me reach my goals so they have no place in my everyday meals right now. I'm on track with both training and nutrition and MM is heading DOWN :-)

So here I am on Thursday and I've survived a lunch out which was totally 100% on plan. "Yum Chicken" is a Thai chicken salad made with breast meat, veges and a very light spicy dressing. The fact that I was hungry 3 hours after it meant it was just right in size and composition. Oh and I love Jasmine tea so that was my drink of choice and not wine. I've double trained today and on Tuesday. Every training session is ticked off and I've done my personal goal of a "bonus cardio" session which is not required on my training plan. I will have my sleep in tomorrow and it will be guilt free :-)

So what got me back on track?

1. I realised that I really want to achieve my goal of being lean and toned for summer. It actually means more to me than the short term pleasure of eating what I want.

2. I read some fantastic material which helped me understand the struggle I'd just been through and gave me a great insight into winning this battle.

3. I drew on my inner strength and determination and decided I would not give in. I would do what I have to do and I would stop complaining (to myself) about the effort required.

4. The last one is a secret for now.

Wish me well as I journey from 69.7 downwards.

:-) Magda

COUCH TIME

I am home today. I'll spare you the boring details about why. I'll just say that my system is not in good working order right now and I look forward to more pleasant days.

So while on the couch today I've pondered this new journey that I've been on since the beginning of July. I have a lot to be happy about. Living binge free feels great. Gone is the internal anguish that accompanies every binge. Gone are the feeling of hopelessness and meaningless vows to "never do it again" only to do it again the next day. Its a vicious circle that is really hard to break and I finally found the way.

For some weeks now I've been following a program thats designed to lean me down and tone me up. Its not a diet. Its more of a lifetsyle change and I feel good about my decision to do this. Progress has been slow but there were celebrations to be enjoyed and I patted myself on the back for handling them well and even losing a small amount of weight in those challenging weeks.

This week I find myself facing the issue of how hard I'm prepared to work for the results I want. I want to be lean and toned and I want to feel good about myself and be happy within myself. All that goes without saying and I'd even place the latter two before the former two as being more important. But I admit I'm struggling with eating on plan for more than say about 70% of the time.

I've typed 4 different sentences to follow this statement but none reflected the real issue. After quite some deliberation I realise that for me the issues are:

What relationship do I want with food?
How can I engineer that relationship so that it helps me to achieve my goals, both physical and emotional?
Finding a way to make it all work with me, for me.

So its back to the couch to think some more. Stay tuned.

M

A PISSER OF A DAY

This morning our agent rang to tell us that the dream-come-true contract we had on our house, the one that he was so confident of it going through (yep it ticked all the boxes) fell through at the 11th hour (literally). At 8pm all was well with the purchasers and at 11pm they faxed through their cooling off notice.

We are shocked and disppointed to say the least.

I saw the chiro today and I have definitely injured my left side neck/shoulder area. He has treated it and I have better mobility so now it'll be a couple of days of ice and rest and it should be all good. That reminds me ... get the ice going.

Then to round off this pisser of a day my son got a gushing blood nose at school. They called me as I was looking for a carpark and asked me to collect him from the sick bay where the nurse was treating him. Poor bugger. When I arrived his head was buried in ice packs and he was covered in blood with a big bucket of bloodied tissues next to him. It took anotheer 15 minutes for it to stop enough so we could go and then it trickled slowly for another hour so all up it was an hour and a half bleed.

Needless to say all day I have battled the urge to comfort myself with crappy food. I feel like I'm hanging on by my nails but I havent slipped. Lord give me strength to stay strong.

M

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Did I mention that on Sunday I was looking for an excuse to get out of training and one of the excuses I contemplated was whether I had any aches or pains? Yeah well guess what??? Yep I've somehow hurt my neck. I have a really sore spot on the left side and I cant turn my head much to the left or tilt it back without some serious pain happening.

So this morning I pushed through my training as the moves I had for shoulders and abs were manageable but when I set out for my walk/jog the impact was not pleasant. Work was a struggle and I took the time to have a Chinese massage after work but it hasnt solved the problem. I have a chiro appointment booked for tomorrow so hopefully some magic can be worked there.

Needless to say I have not felt as fantastic as I intended to do this week.

Then as an added challenge, lunch was off plan today and I spent the afternoon battling with the Binge Monster who was insisting on a feed up today. He didnt get it but I can tell you some strong conversations were quietly going on. Anyways the good thing to come out of all this was that I worked out how to stay sociable and how to stay on plan when the standard menu is sadly lacking appropriately healthy options.

1. Ask for what you want (even if its not on the menu). Today's menu had a tuna salad (YUK!! I'd NEVER pay money for that) and I should have asked them to swap the tuna for some chicken or seafood.

2. Order a Diet Coke straight away so there is less pressure to have wine.

3. Portion control is a big challenge for me, especially if I'm eating out and the food is really nice. I've yet to work out some strategies to master this one so if anybody has any great suggestions that have worked for them, I'm all ears.

So a good learning exercise that I can put into practice next time and feel confident that I'm on track to achieve my goals.

Good night all

Magda

VISUALISING

I spent the weekend in a “I was such a good girl but I still didn’t get what I wanted for Christmas” mood. What a waste of time and energy and what a negative outlook that was. All I can say is “be careful as you might get what you wish for”. Wallowing in depressing negative thoughts will only attract more of the same and who wants that?

So today the “I’m grown up enough to know that sometimes you kick and sometimes you get kicked” girl has stepped in and logic and reason have prevailed. TOM arrived this morning and I understand that MM was just rolling out the welcome mat with his usual predictable increase. Add to that all the blaaah feelings and everything falls into place. This week will be a cracker because I choose to make it so.

I loved Kristy’s blog today about visualising. I do believe that it’s a powerful tool in helping you to achieve goals. So why haven’t I done it? I’ve read about it. I’ve had it suggested that I should do it. But I’ve been too busy wallowing in my MM minutiae misery to see past it and grasp the bigger picture.

So my goal this week is to visualise the amazing success that is about to take over my life.

In 6 weeks time I’ll be going to Melbourne wearing my size 11 jeans and my Prada T shirt. They will fit comfortably and I’ll be happy that I stuck to my program and was rewarded with great results.

As summer approaches I'll be showing off my lean and toned arms in lovely sleeveless tops and I'll feel proud that I worked so hard for them and they look so good.

When we go for our summer holiday I will wear a bikini and I'll feel good about myself. A good 6 months of eating well and training hard will give me the lean and toned body I desire.

I'm going to enjoy buying new clothes that are flattering and sexy. I'll be proud of my body and I'll enjoy showing it off.

Deep down I will be happy within myself because I honoured my body with good food and regular training and I did it consistently until it became a way of life.

Cheers all

Magda

MAKING AN EFFORT

This morning I woke up feeling blaaah. Motivation zero.

I lay in bed looking for an excuse not to train. Maybe I didnt have enough time. (Plenty of time slack-arse just get up and do it). Maybe I had a pain or an injury. (Yeah right. No pain happening today). So damn there was no excuse which meant getting up and doing it so I'd have no regrets later in the day.

On days like today I want to eat "treat food". Fuit toast with lashings of butter. Or maybe seedy, grainy bread with butter/honey/peanut butter. Dont even start me on the possibilities if we were having breakfast out. Luckily I had prepared my oats last night. They had soaked overnight, the protein powder was all measured out and the container of psyllium husks was next to the stove, ready to be added. Foolproof strategy for staying on track and perfectly timed.

I had some shopping to do and the house had to be sterile for another open inspection today (the last one, we hope). I really felt like dagging around in trackie pants, a windcheater, no make-up and being a bit of a slob. But instead I showered, defuzzed, scrubbed and washed and styled my hair (takes less than 5 minutes). Then I put on a pair of jeans, a nice hoodie and even a little make-up. Lordie, even some lippie went on (insert goggle eyes here).

And all these little things put togther made me feel so much better and the motivation came to stay on track today. We had lunch at our local cafe while our house was open. WH and BS both had meals with fries while I had a chicken salad and peppermint tea. The chips werent that great anyway - yes they underwent a taste test but they were easily resisted. After lunch I had to duck to another shopping centre and I even skipped my fave skim capp as I didnt need it after lunch. My one indulgence today has been a small glass of wine with dinner.

Istarted the day feeling awful and at major risk of just blowing away the training and good eating. Had that happened I'd be feeling much worse now. But I made an effort. An effort to train, to eat well and to spend time on my appearance. And I can tell you, it was well worth the effort.

Cheers all

Magda

BETRAYED BY THE MM AND A NEW OUTLOOK

Fifi was right.

The Metal Monster cant be trusted. Despite eating well and doing more than my required training I have been betrayed and "rewarded" with a gain. Yesterday it was .8 up from last Sunday and today it had dropped down by .2 (so still a net gain of .6 this week). F*CKER!!!!

And then the f*cker thinks its going to talk me into having the binge to end all binges (I would have previously). Well mate, I might not have been 100% on plan today but there was no binge within coooeee.

YES!! Thats another run on the board for me and as for the f*cker ... NIL!!!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I will spare you the monotony of how I've somehow managed to ward off the lurgies, my ongoing battle with Windy City and moaning yet again about the week that was. Its hardly riveting reading.

What I do want to share though are some of my thoughts around how my life has changed since I saw the SP and I have stopped binging.

It still amazes me on a daily basis. Its like winning the lottery and the value hasnt sunk in. You wake up and pinch yourself that "geez you DID win the lottery". A little voice in my head (probably Inner Fat Girl) keeps harping "you might stuff it all up any day now" or "it cant be long before you cave and I win". But in all honestly I havent even felt close to that feeling of tipping over the edge and falling face first into Binge Hell.

So I have decided that from now on I will only view myself as a non-binger, or maybe a reformed-binger or ex-binger. It will always be a thing from my past but it no longer has a place in my current or future life. I will not be amazed that I'm not binging. Instead I will treat not binging as the norm. This is another leaf to be turned over and another step in the positive direction.

I think thats enough for a Saturday night. I have more up my sleeve but will save it for future posts.

Cheers all

Magda

A TOUGH WEEK

Its been a tough week and its not even over.

As you know, Monday was pretty awful at work. Nobody felt good and we were glad to see the end of the day. Tuesday improved and things moved up a notch with our house sale. We moved into the "seriously exciting" zone and kept eveything crossed.

Yesterday was another madly busy day at work. The list of things to do just kept getting longer and very little was getting croosed off. I had my hair cut again (even shorter - stay tuned for a photo) straight after work and then WOOHOO it was contract singing time on our house. Yes our legendary agent did what we thought was the impossible and we have a contract on our house. Great price. Great conditions. If we'd had the energy we would have celebrated last night but instead I spent the rest of the evening preparing meals for today.

Today has been fanstastic in the morning (I went on an excellent training course) and dreadful in the afternoon. I'm frazzled, drained and I'm battling the worst stomach cramps as I try to get my dose right for my new fibre supp. Man talk about Windy City in our household tonight!!

I've also battled the "lack of quality sleep syndrome" this week. Most nights I've slept but not deeply. You know that annoying type of sleep where you keep waking up, looking at the time and then realising that you can sleep some more. In the morning you wake up feeling like you've hardly slept (beacuse YOU'VE HARDLY SLEPT). Many times I just wanted to blow off my training but smartly talked myself out of it before I made such a bad decision.

Funnily enough my meals have been on plan (bar an extra couple of skim capps) and any thoughts of binging have been fleeting. So I might be tired, have a sore tummy, have a BAD case of wind, feel quite drained and low in energy but AT LEAST I DONT HATE MYSELF BECAUSE I TURNED TO FOOD TO DEAL WITH THESE ISSUES.

:-) M

BATTLING DEPRESSION

I spent yesterday battling depression and today wasnt much better.

Why was I depressed?

Purely 100% work reasons. My colleagues are depressed, my boss is depressed and buying lipsticks to cheer herself up. Miss C has a new Country Road skirt because it was her "feel good" activity for the day. Putting together a works program is no fun when there is so little money.

So after lunch I took myself off to GJs and treated myself to a skim cappuccino and had a big piece of toasted banana bread with lashings of butter. Yummo. That was so nice that I decided to follow it with a friand and a muffin for good luck.....

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. HA!! Fooled you!!

I did have the skim cappuccino and I did look at all the cakes and acknowledge how good they would taste but I was calm and in control and deep down I knew that I wouldnt have any. Previously I would have used the sweet food as a cheer-me-up and once I started I couldnt stop. My how things have changed.

So even though I was surrounded by depressing circumstances, ironically I was still happily content internally and I didnt need crappy food to cheer me up. I'm liking this way of thinking and this way of life.

:-) Magda

THE WEEKEND ROUND-UP

What an awesome weekend but sadly its almost over. Geez they go so quick dont they?

On Friday night I went to my bestie's place for a Body Shop at Home party. She had 20 friends over (amazing her circle of friends) and at the end of the night she was buying out the catalogue either for free, 1/2 price or 20% off.

I spent most of Saturday out with my mum as a belated birthday celebration. I got up early and did my training and then picked her up and we headed to Westfield Marion. A skim cappuccino to start us off and a nice chinwag. Then a bit of shopping followed by lunch. We shared a medium woodoven pizza with chicken, bacon and veges. It was delicious and not too much. Oh and I couldnt resist getting us some lambrusco. Mum's not much of a drinker but she loved the lambrusco and it really got her talking. She's so funny after a glass of wine. A real chatter-box LOL. Then we watched My Sister's Keeper and had a good cry before heading off home.

In the evening WH and I conferred again about the house's external selections. We're going quite different from before (although its very much like our Queensland house) so some more talking and considering was in order.

Today I christened my new slow cooker and made an awesome coq au vin. I used chicken breasts and browned them in a heavy based pan with a lite spray of oil only so the dish was very low in fat (bar some lean well trimmed bacon). It tasted superb but was too watery so next time I'll know to not use as much liquid. I have quite a bit leftover and will enjoy it for some dinners with that lovely chicken stock / red wine flavour it cooked in.

The house sale is ramping up over the next 2 weeks as we have now gone to the market. That means no life. Every spare minute is spent tidying, cleaning and keeping the place sterile. With 2 opens on the weekend we'll be like aliens in our home - dont touch anything, dont move anything, dont create cooking smells etc etc. Man I just hope it pays off.

Well better toddle off to preapare for tomorrow. I have back and biceps followed by an interval cardio session. I love Monday mornings (until I get to work).

Cheers all

Magda

PS The Metal Monster rewarded me with a nice 1.2kg loss this week. He's my best friend right now :-)

ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE

Things have been moving well on the house front. We have selected the plan for our new house and on Friday morning we do all of our selections. Contract signing comes soon after that and we'll know our start and finish dates (which are guaranteed).

Our home is now on the market so we are living in permanent declutter, tidiness, cleanliness and sterility. Its been a week or so and we are already over it. In fact last weekend we spent all of Saturday and then Sunday morning just preparing the place for groups to come through on Sunday afternoon. In the 3 years we've lived here the place has never seen such a thorough clean LOL. Fingers crossed that our agent chalks up a quick sale at an excellent price. Then we have the fun of moving into a rental property to look forward to....NOT!!!

In amongst all the agent meetings, preparing for opens, being out of the way for opens and everything else going on I havent let any of that be an excuse to eat crap. I may not have been 100% on plan but my variances were minor and controlled.

I absolutely love the fact that we are going to build our own home again. I love new houses and I love the fact that everything in them is exactly what you want, where you want it and how you want it. The only compromise is matching tastes to budgets but a happy medium isnt too hard to achieve there. However the new home comes at a price: disruption to our current very comfy lifestyle, another major move around the middle of next year, the financial drain of establishing it all and then settling into a new environment. I had big plans for next year but in reality I'm just gonna sit tight and see how things pan out.

Cheers all

Magda

AND STILL MORE TURNING THE CORNER

During July I celebrated another birthday, this one taking me closer to the 50s than the 40s. I’m ok with that though. Age is a number and I’ve been told many times that I look good (fit, healthy, good skin etc) that the number is irrelevant. I have days where I feel 26 and others where I feel 86 so the actual number is pffft.

Our family is BIG on celebrating birthdays. I had a dinner out with my husband where I ate oven-roasted quail with a fairly robustly flavoured risotto. I love both of the dishes so the combination was gastronomic heaven. No room for dessert that night. The following evening my bestie cooked a dinner for me and I shared all my holiday delights with her (my shopping). Another lovely meal with a small dessert and a few wines on both occasions.

A week later my mum cooked my favourite meal including my most favourite dessert (100% home-made vanilla slice). I have it once a year and its superb. For the first time I showed some restraint in my portions chalking up yet another success. Tomorrow mum and I are going out for the day. There will be shopping, a movie, coffee, lunch and a good chinwag. Its such a great day and I know that it wont result in a big pigout as has been the case previously.

In fact through all of these celebrations I have eaten well for all other meals, trained regularly and not allowed it to turn into another big eating-free-for-all. I’ve even lost a small amount of weight instead of gaining the usual 2-3 kgs of bloat (and about 1kg of scale weight) that accompanies such celebrations. Woohoo that’s another first for me and another run on the board.

The other thing that I’ve achieved which has eluded me for years is that today I have completed a binge-free month. Yes there has been no binging whatsoever this month and I’m pretty pleased with myself about it. Until now I’d start every month with the goal of not binging and I’d never make it past a few days. It was so debilitating and made me feel like such a failure so its great to finally kick that destructive habit out of my life.

So here’s to a great August continuing in the positive spirit of July. I hope you join me for the interesting journey I have ahead.

Cheers

Magda

MORE TURNING THE CORNER

Soon after my second session with the SP we left for our Singapore holiday. I must admit I wasnt in good spirits at all. I felt fat and pudgy and very disappointed that my previous efforts to lose weight for the holiday had failed. What was I thinking when I packed a pair of white shorts to wear over there?? Eeegads they looked awful further adding to my feelings of despair. Nevertheless I put on a brave face and pretended that I was having a ball.

OMG then I had to decide how to tackle the shopping. Here was my chance to seriously wear out my credit card but I couldnt think of anything worse than buying all these fat clothes. But the Great Singapore Sale had to be taken advantge of so I made a decision to "buy for the future". Whenever I saw something that I'd normally like and wanted to buy, I'd try it on and then buy the size smaller. In one shop I tried on a gorgeous dress and in a 12 it was a perfect fit. When I told the shop assistant I wanted the size 10 and got my card out to pay for it she was gobsmacked and teetered around asking if the dress was for me (obviously thinking I was insane or totally delusional). So I confidently replied that it was my Christmas present to myself and by Christmas I would NOT be the size I am now. It would fit. I'm sure she then thought I was definitely insane but WHO CARES. It will fit and it'll look fantastic.

So I shopped my little heart out and the opportunity wasnt wasted. In fact I got some fantastic stuff that just made my day and helped to lift my spirits.

The other thing that lifted my spirits was my decision to exercise and eat well during the holiday. Feeling so fat and awful at the start, I stepped on the scales in the gym on Day 1 and decided that I didnt want to see the number go higher. So I didnt stuff myself at the breakfast buffet nor at the dinner buffet. When we had beer-o'clock I had a couple of handfuls of nuts instead of about 10 handfuls. I rarely ate dessert but took a liking to a sweet called nonya way (spelling???) which was of a gluttinous rice texture with coconut and ????? A small piece after dinner was all I wanted and I was happy with that. And this time instead of just talking about exercising every day, I actually DID IT. Sometimes I just did a little prehab work in our room (thanks Liz) or I did weights in the gym, incline walks on the treadmill or a walk or walk/jog along the beachfront. The latter being my absolute favourite. It was about 30 minutes /day but it made the world of difference for how I felt each day and how I managed my diet.

For the first time ever in my life I came home weighing the same as when I went away (and in fact less if you discount the crappy airport food and wierd meal times on the trip home). I have never achieved this before as holidays have always been an eating free for all. A breakfast buffet would mean a big plate of toast, eggs, bacon, mushrooms, hash browns and whatever else looked good in big quantities. Then I'd have pastries. Yes you read that right pastriES (3 or 4 usually - again if it looked good, it'd have to be eaten). And this mindset would continue throughout the day for every day we were away. A 3-4kg gain used to be the norm for me.

So thats another installment in my renewed life. Small changes but huge impact. I came home so much happier than when I went away. I have a lot of work ahead of me to get to a good weight and a shape I'm happy with but the difference is that this time I have a quiet confidence that I'll do it and I'll do it happily without feeling like I'm stuck on Struggle Street, battling my demons every day.

:-) Magda

TURNING THE CORNER

Hello to anybody who may still be dropping by to see if I'm still on the face of this earth.

Yes I am and I have so much to write about that I think it'll take a few installments. In case you're yawning and ready to flick me off I urge you to stay tuned even if just for a few paragraphs as I believe I have some interesting stuff to report. Now less waffle and let me get on with it.

As you may remember from my earlier blog posts I had reached a point of total desperation and complete lack of belief in myself a couple of months ago. My binge eating was constant and I felt powerless to change it. I just repeated the same destructive behaviours over and over again, never seeing a way to break the cycle. So I bit the bullet and sought help in the form of a Sports Psyche (SP).

After my first visit I had some positive feelings and could start to see a way forward. I had a second visit just before going on holidays and I felt like we really made some inroads after some very frank discussion, realisations, analysis, advice and her just being bloody good at her job. I can honestly say that I left that session feeling different, thinking different and ready to act different. So I was quick to put my new approach to the test and that I did (I'll expand on it later) and by golly IT WORKED.

After my holiday (again I'll expand on it in another post) I went back for my 3rd session and reported on all I had done, not done, thought, felt and believed and it was obvious that I didnt need to see her anymore. I HAVE NOT BINGED FOR SEVERAL WEEKS AND I FEEL LIKE A NEW (AND IMPROVED) PERSON.

So what's different? Now I understand how some of my thoughts and beliefs were setting me up for repeated failure. I was giving myself no choice but to binge and continue my negative cycle. So I had to let go of some of those beliefs, remove some of my self-imposed rules and view things quite differently. I had this conviction that eating off plan or having "treat food" or similar was a disaster. If I ate off plan (which I did regularly), all good was undone and therefore I may as well have a complete free for all. The SP kept drumming it into me that food is just food and I needed to remove the emotion from certain foods. So if I ate a piece of cake I was not to view that as a disaster (which then gave me licence to keep eating cake cause well I'd blown it all anyway). So I ate some cake and was able to stop at one piece. AMAZING. So I did it again and again stopped at one piece. I ate cheese and crackers and stopped without feeling like I wanted to devour the whole lot. I was thinking differently so I could act differently. OMG IT WAS WORKING.

Thats a very simplified version of it all but I dont need to go back to the SP unless I hit a "hiccup" (her words) and I need to refocus. I'm doing ok. Over the last few weeks I've faced several situations which previously would have had me eating out of control, justifying that I deserved it, what-was-the-point-of-trying-to-eat-well, OMG-the-diet-will-start-on-Monday-so-I-better-eat-everything-bad-that-I-can-possibly-get-my-hands-on and I've hardly been tempted to revert to my old ways.

I'm still fat but I'm working on changing that. I have new skills and a new outlook that will help me achieve my goals instead of making it a bloody hard battle to fight. But the biggest difference is that I finally feel happy within and not just on the surface for show. It may sound corny but I honestly feel like a different person and I look to my health and fitness future with hope and happiness in my heart.

:-) Magda

THIS BLOG IS CLOSED TIL FURTHER NOTICE

Tomorrow we leave for our holiday to Singapore. Then its the All Females in Melbourne so I'll be away for some time.

Last night we had our friends over for a BBQ following a girlie get-together in the afternoon. As I started on my ??th glass of wine, realising that yet again I had eaten too much crappy food, a great sense of sadness came over me. I felt awful both physically and emotionally yet I continued to pretend that everything was great and that I was really happy. I dont want to continue on this way.

When I return I'll be starting a new journey. One of recovering my physical self to a level that I'm happy with. One of finding true happiness that comes from honouring yourself with positive thoughts and actions. One of believing that you can achieve the goals that mean so much to you and claiming the right to do so.

Farewell for now.

Magda

(LACK OF) PASSION

Tonight I read Kek's post about passion and it dawned on me that right now I have a serious LACK of passion. I have drifted through the first half of 2009 ... well I actually feel like I've crawled over broken glass sometimes ....and not made any inroads on the goals that I set at the start of the year. For instance here is what I've cut and pasted from my "Goal Post" done in early Jan.

My first goal is to to get my weight down to 60-62kgs and I want to achieve this in 12 weeks which will be very close to my wedding anniversary: Bombed out on this one.

A week later I'm off for a girls only weekend to Sydney. My girlfriends are both quite slim and this year and I dont want to be the fat-girl-out: Bombed out here too.

I long to be happy in my skin and generally happy with how I look. I want to enjoy good healthy food and the occassional treat and I want to feel good - happy, relaxed and not always fretting that I need to lose weight - over and over again: Yep still longing for all this.

..... my next goal of maintenance: This one has me laughing. I'm so far off the "m" word that its not even a flickering light in the distance.

To compete or not to compete that is the question: Not any more. The issue is more like "how do you expect to run when you cant even walk properly?" This is on the backburner for now.

..... to overhaul my wardrobe ....... Its my goal to ditch everything that is unflattering, unsuitable, dated, cheap and ready for donating to charity and then slowly replace with quality items: Yes but not at this size and shape. Cant stand the thought. Wont even entertain it.

Finally if there was one thing that I wanted for 2009 it would be BALANCE: And I still want it but havent found it yet.

So I sit here nearing the half way mark for 2009 and realise that when push came to shove, my efforts to achieve my goals fell by the roadside and I'm still where I was when I started. A classic case of lack of passion = lack of progress, I think.

I'm not sure that I can can just turn the passion fire on but I can start to take small steps towards achieving my goals in the second half of the year. Perhaps I'll look at it like this:

I spent the first six months learning that certain beliefs, actions and attitudes did not result in the changes that I wanted so now its time to do it differently. And I'll approach this with some excitement and determination and let the passion follow.

:-) Magda

DREAMING .... from Kristy's blog

If I had all the money in the world I would use it to my advantage to be more involved in my son’s life.

By me not working he could sleep til 7.30 each day and not be woken up at 6.40. I could take him straight to school and not drop him off at Before School Care. I’d get more involved with school activities. I’d volunteer to listen to children read, I’d help out on school excursions, I’d get to know the other mums better and keep abreast of all that happens in and around school. I’d love to be the class rep.

At the end of the day I’d pick him up from school and have the luxury of really listening to the details about his day, instead of hearing bits and pieces several hours later.

Selfishly I’d train after school drop off and not at 5am. What a luxury that’d be.

So as you can see for me money would buy time. Time that could be put to much better use by making my family and me happier.

I wont even start on the material things as they rate a distant second to the above.

M

ROUND 2 WITH THE SP

Today I had my second visit to my Sports Psyche (SP). Funnily enough, because I’ve been so busy with work, I had decided to cancel it but ironically it was because I was so busy that I didn’t get around to making the call. Then last night I found myself in a situation that confirmed how important it was that I make that meeting today, no matter what. Down the track I might share what it was but I cant just yet.

So today’s session was a real eye-opener. It took a while for me to get on the same wavelength that she was on because I just couldn’t see things that way but slowly step by step I got there and went WOW (not a good WOW but a light bulb moment WOW). I can now see why I repeat my binging behaviour over and over and it was a bit in-your-face I must admit. I can also see why I just wasn’t able to work it out myself. I needed somebody to take me through it step by painful step, ask pertinent questions, question my thoughts and feelings and put it all together to get where I always take myself. Then it was the deconstruct process (that needs more work but the seed has been planted) that we tackled and I finally felt I had an understanding of it all and hope that I would learn to manage this in future. I havent had that feeling before so this is PRETTY BIG for me.

So my "home-work " is to recognise my negative thoughts around eating and write them all down. We identified some today but I'm sure there are more lurking in different situations. My SP also made some interesting statements about what my triggers actaully are. And they ARENT the most obvious things that spring to mind. Hence another WOW moment and more thinking about it all and moving towards an answer.

But the thing that impressed me the most is that she has prepared a plan for what we need to do over the course of our sessions. Yes its all there in black and white and I can refer to it anytime and track our/my progress.

I dont want to get too smug too soon but I cant help that I finally feel good about this and can see some positive changes happening in the future.

:-) Magda

THE WINTER SOLSTICE

I love the winter solstice (not sure of its exact date this year but always around the 21 June). I love the thought that from now every day will be a bit longer than the one before and that summer is heading our way. Its like "hump day" and that feeling of getting to the other side. So what did you do on the winter solstice?

Today I focussed on two things and I forsaked all others.

1. Preparing our house for sale. Now this would have to be one of the worst jobs in the world. De-cluttering is like a bottomless pit. No matter how much you put away or throw out there is more around the corner and you turn your back and what you've already done, just mutliplies back. I skipped training today but managed a half decent upper body workout just scrubbing anything and everything in the quest for "sparkling clean". I'm well and truly over it but the job is far from done.

2. Playing with my son. We had a ball playing a make-believe game that we do regularly. Then it was a couple of board games before heading to our local shops. He rode his scooter and I walked (lifestyle cardio??) and we went to the local cafe (yum skim cappuccino time) and then stopped at the playground on the way back. The weather was beautiful and it was great to be out.

We have one week before we're on holidays and off to Singapore on the 30th. Counting down the sleeps now.

Cheers all

Magda

WHAT REALLY MATTERS TO YOU

After a massively crappy week with way too much work, late nights working, missed training and some crappy eating days thrown in, I thought I'd unwind with the following D & Ms.

What do you really want deep down inside?

To love and be loved. To find inner peace and balance. To not die wondering "what if".

What matters to you, in the big picture?

Family. My son growing into an independent adult and finding his "happy place" in life. My husband and I continuing our partnership. Loving each other, laughing together, and being the yin and the yang.

What do you want to stand for?

Being caring, understanding and loyal. Commitment and perseverance.

What do you want to do with your brief time on this planet?

Wow. Considering that next month I'm well into "middle age" I better get a move on and start making my dreams a reality.:
1. Raise my son to be independent, socially capable, confident, balanced and happy.
2. Grow old with my husband.
3. Promote happiness and harmony in my extended family.
4. Then there's some material stuff which is personal and not for sharing now.

Who do you look up to?

This will surprise people. I love my mum very much but I live my life very different to hers so I dont really look up to her.

Professionally: My husband. My Director.

Intellectually: My friend at work Miss J.

In the health/fitness area: Shelley (love the postive attitude), Liz (is there anyone who knows their stuff better??), Tara (has anybody come so far and has so much potential to go so much further??) there are more ....

Who inspires you?

My friend Kerry right here in Adelaide.

What personal strengths or qualities do they have that you admire?

Determination. Not afraid of hard work. A can-do attitude. Supportive. Ambitious. Focussed. And a down right lovely person to boot.

If you achieved your goal, then what would you do?

Material goals (not listed): celebrate and then regroup to work out "what next". Personal goals (listed): I'd die happy.

How would your life be different as a result?

It probably wouldnt be a lot different, if at all.

How would you change?

Perhaps I'd have a different outlook on things, maybe a different feeling about myself and what I believed about myself.

What would you do differently from there onwards?

Maybe I'd aim higher. Maybe I'd just be happy with what I had achieved. Maybe I dont really know cause its such an "unknown".

And on that note its time to log off and get some shut eye.

G'night all

M

SPEED POSTING

Just finished work.

Very tired.

The day started good but ended sh*tty.

Binge Monster was trying his hardest again but he was out of luck. Mojo and I conquered all today.

Could post heaps more but sleep is more important.

G'night

M

THE RETURN OF MY MOJO

A funny thing happened yesterday. There was a knock at my door so I went to have a look at who was there. Lo and behold, but what do I discover?

Me: OMG you're back. Where have you been? I've missed you and I cant live my life without you.

Mojo: Yeah yeah you say that all the time but when I'm around you dont treat me how I like to be treated. You always find a way to make me feel useless. I always try to help you but too often you just dont listen.

Me: I'm sorry. Its just that I .....erm, you know I just .......errr. Yeah there's no excuse. I should trust in you and honour you like you deserve.

Mojo: You know if you did that and stuck to it even when the going got tough, we could make such a great team and together we could achieve so much.

Me: You think so?

Mojo: I know so. Why dont you give it a try? You've got nothing to lose. Lets not waste any more time trying to be perfect, beating yourself up if you werent perfect and making poor choices when you know you deserve better.

Me: OK now I'm outta here as there is cardio and prehab work waiting to be done, followed by a healthy breakfast.

So yesterday was quite a good day. A drank heaps of water / herbal tea. I ate enough veges. I had no alcohol. I ate mindfully and whilst I did have a couple of small treats, I savoured them instead of stuffing them down in 2 seconds so I could go trolling for more.

On the other hand, today was a totally shitty day and I was in a foul mood, upset, weepy and beating myself up over totally different stuff. Seeing me weak and vulnerable my Binge Monster decided to sweep in for the kill and all day he nagged and nagged about how I should eat more crap cause it'll make me feel better. But luckily today I had Mojo on my side and she talked him down every time. Thats one for me and my Mojo and the Binge Monster scored a big fat zero.

Amen

:-) Magda

CELEBRATION TIME

Today as I arrived at the pool for my son's swimming lesson the real estate agent rang to say that our offer had been accepted. We have purchased the block of land that forms part of Plan B and its all systems go.

My best friend Miss E visited this afternoon and our boys had a play together and we caught up on this stuff that she knew nothing about. A bottle of Trilogy champagne was opened and consumed in the name of "celebrating this significant first step in the next exciting phase of our lives." Even WH had a glass with us. To say that I'm happy and excited is such an understatement :-)

From-Fat-To-Fit-And-Fabulous has started rolling along albeit very slowly. Not aiming to achieve anything groundbreaking before the Singapore holiday just making sure that everything is in place for when I get back. I'm treating the next 4 weeks as time to plan and prepare not just physically but emotionally too. Geez I'm beside myself having 2 such big things to be excited about. Lucky me!!

:-) M

AND MORE ON PLAN B

Today I faxed off our offer for the land.

Then the sales rep from our prospective builder rang to tell me that he'd made a mistake on our house estimate. A mistake of underquoting by $28,000.

WH was NOT HAPPY!!!!!!

I still think its a great package but some of our higher hopes and expectations have just been cut down a size or two. This property business is an emotional rollercoaster and I'm already exhausted. Maybe if I had something to celebrate I'd feel better.

M

On a happier note, I've put my new From-Fat-To-Fit-And-Fabulous mission into action. Now THATS positive and exciting :-)

PLAN B UPDATE

Over the last wek or 2 we've had 2 different sales people pricing up 2 different houses on 2 different blocks of land. Plan B (to me) was the preference with less hassles and therefore less cost (albeit Plan C had the slightly better address). Plan C is proving to be really problematic which will translate into lots of exta cost and very little return for your money.

How appropriate then that today we got the house estimate for Plan B and it was considerably lower than what WH had calculated. In fact it was so attractive that Plan B was lifted to Plan B+ status and over a bottle of wine tonight (is there any other way??!! LOL) we made the decision to put an offer to the vendors of the land in our Plan B. I'll be faxing it off to the agent tomorrow morning and then we'll wait and see how desperate the vendors are for the sale (they are in the USA on a work transfer).

Fingers crossed that we get the land and that in a few short months (note my level of optimism here) our dream home will be under construction. To say that I'm excited yet again, is an understatement. We might not have our dream address but we'll do everything we can to make this house our best ever (BTW it'll be our 6th home, not counting rentals).

My health and fitness plan is still in the making and I'm getting quite excited about it but have some more work to do on it.

Cheers all

Magda

A SENSE OF CALM

....has come over me. Its really odd. For the last 4 days I've been feeling awful. Food was my comfort except that its a false pleasure. A few minutes of enjoyment followed by madly craving more and more as though its a drug you just cant get enough of. Not to mention the many glasses of wine consumed in the name of sociability/stress relief/"a good meal deserves a good wine" and just downright enjoyment. Not good for the waist-line nor for fat loss so that pleasure comes at a price.

So whats different today?

Last night as I lay in bed unable to get to sleep (due to 2 great sleep-ins on the weekend) I thought about all the things that arent working for me right now - the physical, the mental (thinking) and the emotional (feeling) stuff. There was quite a bit there and I started looking at ways to address some of the issues. Thats when I made a decision about my next course of action and its left me feeling positive and with hope in my heart. I have some time to work through it before we do our Singapore holiday and then I'm hoping to kick it off when we return. That may even be when I'm in Melbourne for the All Females. Deep down I've known this is the way for me to go but I've just been loathe to admit it. Now I'm embracing this option as I believe its right for me.

Stay tuned folks.

PS We are seeing the agent about the Plan B block of land early this week so here's hoping we're in with a chance and its not snatched from under our noses.

M

AND NOW FOR PLAN B

....... on the home front. Plan A is dead and buried. We wont have our "ultimate avenue address" and whilst I'm still sad about it, I know I must move on. So after many long discussions over several glasses of wine (is there any other way??) WH and I have agreed on our plan B on the homefront. (There is a Plan C as well but we're both apprehensive about the cost and the house in Plan C doesnt work as well as the house in Plan B).

Its taken us a while to agree on Plan B. The block is bigger than that in Plan C. The house works better and we think there will be better value for money. So whats the problem you ask? Plan B actually has us moving back to the suburb we lived in before we moved to Brisbane. Its a nice suburb and I liked living there but the resale on our house was bit disappointing and when we bought where we are now (which sort is the same area that Plan C is in), it was certainly more expensive. This shouldnt matter as our next house MUST be long-term but you always worry that you'll sink a lot of money into that bit of dirt and bricks and mortar and it'd be nice know that you'll get it back in the event of a move.

OK enough analysing that nobody is really interested in anyway. I've called the agent about said block in Plan B. He hasnt returned my call so I'll be calling again tomorrow. We talked to him on Saturday and we're ready to take it to the next stage. In the meantime two different builders are costing up two entirely different houses on two different blocks of land for us. Fingers crossed that Plan B wins on value for money and fingers crossed that we get a hold of the agent and get the ball rolling to make an offer.

Is it any wonder that I feel so highly strung and stressed to the eyeballs?

M

TIME TO TURN THE "NEGATIVE NELLY" SWITCH OFF

A big thank you to all the lovely and kind ladies who left comments on my last down in the ditch post. Each and every comment struck a chord in my heart and made me feel a little better and certainly not so alone in my struggles. Some even brought a tear to my eye and reminded me how selfish I was to not take the time to congratulate others on their achievements and successes (GO KERRY!!!!).

Its scary to acknowledge that I clearly am my own worst enemy. For too long my lifestyle has been ruled by self sabotaging thoughts and behaviours. Through various thoughts and actions, I set myself up to fail and then when the inevitable happens I make sure I blow it out of all proportions so I can really beat myself up over it and then wallow in my misery and self-pity, reinforcing how hopeless I am. This has hit home lately and I'll be taking these words of wisdom to the SP with me in a weeks time (I think I'll even email them before my next apppointment). Man, have we got some work ahead of us!!

For now I've decided to give the diet shit a rest. For one week I will NOT do any of the following:

1. Trawl through my bookshelves, resources, internet etc looking for the "perfect diet /program".
2. Weigh every morsel that I eat so I can log it with 100% accuracy on CalKing.
3. Analyse and re-analyse my food so that my marco-nutriet ratios are just right.
4. Eat as though there is no tomorrow. Instead follow 3 easy steps: 1. Engage brain. 2. Open mouth. 3. Feed only until satisfied.
5. Whinge and moan on my blog.

I will replace these behaviours by doing the following things:

1. Focus on eating for good health and enjoying the foods I like in moderation.
2. Drink more water/herbal tea.
3. Take some of my training back to basics and only do what I enjoy. Its not about 100% effort now, its about consistency and just doing it.
4. Turn the "Negative Nelly" switch off and be positive ... even if I have to fake it til I make it.

Thank God tomorrow is a holiday. I had a great sleep in this morning (at least I'm not sleep deprived) but its bed time now so I'll bid farewell.

Magda

PERMISSION TO EXIT NOW

Yesterday the BM claimed victory. Being home with a sick child, yet faced with a heap of work that HAD to be done and being housebound (which meant no cappuccino or the fruit toast I so desperately wanted for breakfast) meant there were way too many trips to the pantry throughout the day. At least I'll have something to report back to the SP from which we can work on (was there ever any question about this??)

I have come to the realisation just recently that I've truly lost my motivation for all things health and fitness related. Although I have managed an hour of training both yesterday and today, getting going was a huge mental battle. Today's session (shoulders + ss cardio on the exercise bike) was quite good and in the main yesterday's was too (back / chest supersetted + ss cardio on the rower) but am I giving 100%? Not even close. What about 80%. Nope. Its more like 70 -75%. I tell myself "something is better than nothing" (thanks Kek) to make myself feel better.

Diet .... well what can I say? Sick of it all. Over it all. Just fed up with it all. Good days followed by bad days over and over again. I know you shouldnt dwell on the negatives / failures but when they're staring at you no matter which way you turn, its hard to look past them. Boy is my head in a crappy place right now and I'm sounding like a total misery guts. Permission to exit now if this negativity pisses you off.

Does anyone else go through the repeated torment of what to eat, when to eat it, how much to have etc etc? I have SO much information about 1000s of different ways to get lean / lose fat / be slimmer / be more toned/muscly etc that my head feels like it'll explode from information overload. No joke, during an average week, I'll drag out 2 or 3 of those 1000 different plans and analyse them to the nth degree (again) looking for "the perfect solution". I'm driving myself crazy.

So there it all is. My honest feelings right now. I could have deleted tonight's post (I hate it coz its so negative) but I've decided to blog it, warts and all. Some of my thoughts arent sensible or rational but hey, its where I'm at right now so I wont pretend otherwise. Cant wait to see my SP again next week. I'm counting down the days.

M

DEALING WITH THE DISAPPOINTMENT

I'd be lying if I said I was ok today. What has "saved me" is a combination of being very busy at work, enjoying a lovely lunch with my friend and work colleague Miss J and focussing on my June goal of clocking up a BFM (Binge Free Month).

I headed off to work earlier than usual today. BS has a virus of some sort and WH took the day off to stay home with him. (Its my turn tomorrow). Going a million miles an hour made the day go very quickly and I even got to enjoy 2 cafe meetings and have my favourite skim cappuccinos. Miss J and I usually have lunch together on Thursdays. Today's catch up was great as it let me get some of the sadness off my chest and we chatted about my future comp prep plans and about her life as the wife of a surgeon. She has some interesting tales to tell!

After lunch I knew I was at geat risk of losing a round to the Binge Monster as my usual negative thoughts started creeping in. A quick refocus on my goals and some stern reminders about how incorrect those thoughts were, managed to keep me on track. Anyway, what did I have to complain about? I'd allowed myself the lunch of my choice (salt and pepper squid with a small serve of chips and salad) so I was hardly deprived. I held it together and was very pleased with my efforts.

So my plan this week has been to eat mainly lean and clean but by no means to aim for "perfection". Sometimes this approach works better to keep the Binge Monster at bay but the trade off is that weight / fat loss doesnt necessarily happen (and right now I want a few kilos off). So I'm weighing up the alternatives:

1. Go "hard core" on a "diet", drop some kilos before we go to Singapore but risk a blow out binge OR
2. Maintain the status quo, go to Singapore feeling fat and frumpy but maybe win the BM war this month.

Geez its like grim and grimmer :-(

M

NOT HAPPY JAN!!!!!! :-(

Its over. I'll reveal all now.

2 weeks ago we spotted a property for sale at a time when we had decided we were going to sell up and build new. (I wont bore you with all the details around why but I'll just say that its taken us years to come to this decision).

This property was awesome. Its in the general area where we live now and the area I grew up in. Its the most beautiful tree lined avenue with a wide median strip that has lots of beautiful full grown trees. The location is about 6kms from the city which is perfect for us as we both work in the CBD. Houses in this street .... sorry, "avenue" are beautiful with a mix of well maintained old houses and quite a few new ones, some of them VERY grand and expensive. Every time we'd drive down this avenue we'd dream about living on it and it always impressed us. It was our ultimate dream.

So here is a property for sale in "our avenue". Its on a big block of land (800m2+) and the house is a wreck (demolition job) which is just what we want. After analysing our finances to the nth degree WH says we can offer X. I immediately decide that we'll offer X + $10K as it has to be our best offer. We delay our offer to await finance approval and in the meantime circumstances allow us to add another $10K. I'm so excited as I truly believe we have a good chance of getting it and I'm well on the way to planning my new life at my dream address. Offers closed yesterday at 2pm and I almost expected a call last night.

It didnt eventuate but the agent rang today to advise that the trustees had accepted another offer. My dream address has gone to somebody else. I'm so sad and so disappointed. This is NOT how its meant to be.

Binge Monster was whispering in my ear that some junk food would make me feel better but I whispered back "FUCK OFF" and hit the computer to do some work. I couldnt control the outcome of that property sale but I can control how I react to it and how I manage my feelings around it.

Cheers

Magda

SPORTS PSYCHE - SECRET UPDATE

I've had a busy few days. Mum's birthday was a lot of fun and Sunday's dinner, while not my best effort to date, was still really nice. The lamb shanks were a hit, yet again and the tiramisu turned out better than expected. Nobody complained about the food.

Monday was taken up with various meetings, phone calls and then my first appointment with the sports psyche. I like her. Whilst I did most of the talking in this sesssion, she was very down to earth and we had a few good laughs together as well. I poured out my life story (in brief) focussing on the particluar challenges I've had over the last 2 or so years. She was able to quickly identify where I was going wrong in my thoughts, behaviours and choices but I'm also doing some CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to give us something specific to work with. Her question about "what do I see when I look in the mirror" was a very interesting one that I found quite hard to answer, especially as she was posing it from the physical perspective. When I did eventually respond, she said that my body image was "reasonably realistic" so I took some comfort in that. My next appointment is in 2 weeks time but my goal is NOT have any instances that we can analyse through CBT. (I'm to record situations, thoughts and outcomes when I am faced with an urge to binge and when I give in). I'm aiming to make June 2009 my BFM (Binge Free Month).

On my "secret issue" I'm pretty sure that all will be revealed tomorrow which is well before the 9th June deadline I mentioned previously. Things have moved along faster than first anticipated and this has been much easier to deal with. I hate things dragging out forever. If I want something, you can be rest assured that I WANT IT NOW. So tomorrow is THE DAY.

So I'm off to bed as soon as I log off. I've had a horrid headache for 2 days and I'm hoping that a good sleep will relieve it. If not, I'll be suffering through another mega busy day at work. But who knows I might be celebrating tomorrow night, or I might be crying into my chicken and green veg.

Stay tuned.

M